


Severus and Snape

by knight_bus_of_doom



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Age Difference because of time travel, Albus Dumbledore Bashing, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Child Abuse, Eating Disorders, Eventual Relationships, F/M, Hard T, He's an asshole for a while bear with me, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Murder, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2019-10-26 04:41:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 68,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17739194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knight_bus_of_doom/pseuds/knight_bus_of_doom
Summary: Severus Snape finds Lily dead in Godric's Hollow, her son's screams echoing in his ears, and decides to end his life with hers.Fate has other ideas.Next thing he knows, he's facing an 11-year-old Lily Evans, on their way to their first year at Hogwarts.





	1. Catastrophes and Choices

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This fic's going to be a doozy, and I have no idea how long it'll be. Stick with me. Specific relationships aren't tagged to avoid spoilers, but will be as soon as they become relevant. I tagged this as T, but please let me know if you think the rating should change, or if there are any other warnings I'm missing.  
> Thank you to my wonderful beta, [LifeShouldBeAMusical](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LifeShouldBeAMusical)! Happy reading!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for this chapter: Attempted Suicide

Severus put his hand on the perfectly white gate to steady his balance. He had heard the first of the rumours, joyful glee mixed with devastation. Something had happened, and the Dark Lord was defeated. His followers were already scattering.

As soon as Severus Apparated into Godric’s Hollow, a sick feeling had settled low in his stomach. He had seen it. Or rather, he had not seen it. The celebration everywhere else, to the point of almost flaunting the Statute of Secrecy, was not to be found here. Muggles rushed past him without a care in the world, but here and there were people in clothing not quite right, sitting on benches with tear-stained faces, or with faces that could show no emotion at all.

Dumbledore had told him the name of the little town. Maybe as a test, maybe to give him some measure of control over the situation. Maybe for this particular moment. Severus walked to the nearest probably-witch-maybe-Muggle, trying to form the ques-tion he needed answered. The woman looked at his face and pointed down a nearby street. He nodded in thanks, or perhaps just understanding, and started down the road she had indicated.

Perhaps two minutes later, here he was at the gate. Her gate. As soon as he had seen the house, shimmering faintly with a Notice-Me-Not for surrounding Muggles, he had wanted to run, but dread had kept his feet moving at a steady pace. Now he stared at the marred cottage, a large section blasted out of the side. He marvelled at the rest of the building, still pristine in a way that no other target of the Dark Lord ever was. Here was the first real proof that the Dark Lord was gone: a house left mostly in-tact, even if the lives inside were not. Severus pushed open the gate and started up the walk.

As he entered the front door, he knew what he would find, even though every part of his soul screamed that maybe it was not so, maybe the Dark Lord had experienced a moment of… pity? No, never pity. Perhaps loyalty, to Severus, to his most faithful of followers, who had only asked for this one thing—

He rounded the corner and there was Potter, his wand still in his hand, his eyes still open. The Dark Lord had not prolonged his death, for he was merely an obstacle. That was as much thought as Severus gave this man, who had been one of his sworn ene-mies when enemies were still something childish and petty, instead of deadly. Severus stepped around his body. Others would find the house soon, and he had to know. The door at the end of the hall was open, and Severus could see a crib and walls of robin’s egg blue, marking it as the nursery. Only a few steps, too few, took him to it, and then there she was.

Her beautiful red hair had always seemed to change colours with her moods, with the seasons, with just a gust of wind. Now the blood that surrounded her body muted and deadened it. Her eyes had laughed with him, had seen him for who he was. They had narrowed in fun and then in hatred and then just in sadness. Now they were closed, hidden. He didn’t deserve them anyway, because Lily, his Lily, was dead, lying there, broken on the carpet. Severus was on his knees, though he didn’t remember fall-ing, and then she was in his arms, as she hadn’t been in years and years, but this was wrong, this was a mistake, because Lily Evans just couldn’t be dead while he was alive. The world wouldn’t exist like it should, everything would be sideways and off kilter and corrupted. Severus slowly raised his wand to his heart. It was shaking, but he wouldn’t let go of Lily to steady it. He’d never let her go again. He let out one last breath, closed his eyes, and cast a silent Arresto Momentum, ready for the world to continue without him. 

He immediately felt a sort of weightlessness, and wished that he could have taken Lily with him. But maybe, he thought hazily, she would be here. Maybe he had done enough, in the end, that he could be redeemed?

Opening his eyes, he saw whiteness. He blinked a few times, and found that he was in a washed-out version of their park, that one almost halfway between his house and Lily’s when they were younger. Younger and happier. He was slumped against a tree trunk, with the branches stretched out far above him, and in front of him was a woman, sitting on a swing just tall enough that her toes barely brushed the ground. She turned her face to him, smiling softly, and it wasn’t Lily, but his mother. She slid off the swing and walked towards him carefully, placing her bare feet to avoid the roots.

As she came closer, he opened his mouth, tried to form words. His mother was dead, and had been since his sixth year. An accident, everyone had said, but Severus knew his father, and he knew that it had been no accident. His mother, now standing in front of him, tilted her head to the side and smiled again, a bit sadly this time, as if knowing what he was thinking about. Which, Severus considered, she probably did, seeing as he was either dead and in the afterlife with her, or she was a figment of his currently dying imagination. She sat down on the ground in front of him and then sud-denly became shy, looking down at her hands and worrying the hem of her simple white dress. Finally she glanced up at him again.

“Severus, I have prepared for this moment, though I had hoped it would occur under different circumstances.”

He cleared his throat and looked down at his own hands, almost smiling at how they were mirroring each other’s mannerisms—emotional talks had never really been their strong suit. “I’m sorry it’s… sooner than you’d like. But I don’t–”

“Oh, no,” she said, looking almost surprised. “It’s not that. Time doesn’t really exist in the same way here, you know, and we, well… we place our trust in fate. That every-one’s time comes when it does. I suppose that’s why these circumstances are strange.”

Severus looked up at her through his too-long hair, confusion and curiosity warring with a need to avoid her eyes. “So has my time come? Or not?”

“That’s the problem. Usually, I wouldn’t even appear like this, like your mother.”

He met her eyes suddenly, startled.

“What do you mean, appear as my mother?”

“I’m not her, really. I mean, I am, because I have her memories and I know who she is. I understand her essence, you know? But her motivations aren’t my own, and her purposes aren’t my own. I’m sort of… a projection of her, onto a general consciousness, if you will. I simply appear—”

Severus was staring without hearing her. She certainly looked like his mother, Eileen Prince, although he supposed she was only about 30 here. But if it was an appearance, a costume, then… “Why you?”

Too late, Severus realized that he had interrupted her, something never allowed in the Snape household, and looked down at his lap again.

“Why not Lily, you mean? Or maybe Dumbledore, the voice of goodness and reason.”

He continued to stare downward, but he could feel his face turning red.

“You mean why not Lily. Well, honestly, it probably would have been her, if not for two things. One, she’s very recently deceased, as I’m sure you know. It’s a sort of… faux pas, you might say. And two, there’s the question of objectivity.”

Severus scoffed quietly. “I assure you, Lily has… had… she didn’t have trouble being objective when it came to me. Not for a while now, not since I… made mistakes.”

A hand came up under his chin and raised it up, and his mother tucked his hair behind his ear, a movement that echoed their interactions from years in the past. He felt tears well in his eyes, but for his mother or for Lily, he did not know.

“It’s not her objectivity I’m worried about. It’s yours. You have a choice to make, Severus.”

Severus just stared at his mother, or the shade of his mother, or whoever she was. She was offering him a choice? He burst into laughter that started quietly but quickly grew, echoing off walls around them that he could not see. His mother look confused but not overly, and simply sat back slightly and waited for him to finish, which he did with a few quick coughs.  
“I’m sorry, but that is… very cliché, and also, rather silly. Does anyone choose… well… Hell?”

“Actually, you’d be surprised, but no, that’s not the choice of which I’m speaking. I’m here to offer you a second chance.”

“Mum,” Severus said, startled into forgetting that this was not his mother, exactly, “I… killed myself. I stopped my own heart. Why would I want a second chance?”

“Again, you’d be surprised. People jump off of buildings, change their minds in mid-air, beg for the universe to change things. The universe usually doesn’t. But you’re a special case, although the choice isn’t quite that simple.”

“What do you mean, not simple? Wait, what do you mean, special case? Wait, the universe?”

At the barrage of questions, the woman laughed slightly, and Severus saw for the first time someone who was not fully his mother, someone wily and cunning past what his mother had been capable of. It bothered him, somehow, knowing that this was and was not her at the same time.  
“Can you appear as someone else? I don’t need… familiarity, or something, I promise.”

“I’m afraid I have to change into someone close to you, and honestly, I picked the best option. It had nothing to do with familiarity. It needed to be someone whose energy was intertwined with yours, somehow. You see, I am the universe, in a way, because I’m… Magic.”

“So am I, but that--” Severus began, but stopped when the woman laughed again.

“No, I mean, I’m Magic. Capital ‘M’. The force, itself. Or at least a piece of it. Usually, I don’t bother to interact with humans. Centaurs are quite interesting, and phoenixes, too, but never mind that.” She paused, looked at him to gauge his reaction, and then continued. “In the future, well, your future, there are a series of events. Basically, your suicide put the odds in favour of a rather mass extinction, and that causes a bit of an imbalance. It would take me far too long to explain it, quite honestly. But it needs to be fixed, and you can help with that far better if you are alive.”

Severus was thinking quickly. She was offering him the chance to be alive again. No, more than that, she wanted him to be alive again, for some reason. So maybe he could use that.

“I can see your Slytherin brain working, Severus. What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking that I killed myself for a good reason, and I’m not begging the universe, or you, to change anything. I don’t want to go back to where I was.”

The woman’s lips thinned and her eyes hardened. “But you’re willing to go back, in exchange for?”

“For Lily’s life.”

“I can’t do that, Severus, and I think you know that.”

“Another faux pas?”

She chuckled and stood, brushing invisible grass from her dress. “Funny boy. Not… not really, though there needs to be a pretty good reason for that. But no. I won’t do that for you. But maybe… you’d take a slightly different gift.”

Severus stood up too, feeling intimidated by this woman who was the world, and Magic, and his mother all at the same time. “What is that?”

“A second chance. No, hear me out,” she said as he opened his mouth to protest that this was the same thing again, wasn’t it? “A second change at more than living. A second chance at the life you have already lived.”

“You mean… no, I have no desire to be a child again, thank you,” Severus said, but inside his head wheels were turned faster and faster. What if he could start again, make different choices, and save…

“I could save Lily another way,” he said with a hint of wonder, looking at her face for signs of subterfuge.

“You could change a great many things, really, although nothing very drastic, of course.” She smiled benignly as she spoke, which was almost more frightening than her laughter.

“…how far back would I go?”

And at that, the woman’s eyebrows raised and she smiled broadly, because they both knew that he would choose this chance, choose Lily, over death any day. 

“Well, I quite think… yes, that will do. I’m sure you’ll figure it out soon enough. It was a big day, after all. For you and for Lily.” She tilted his chin up with her hand once more, nodded thoughtfully at the determination in his eyes, and then walked away from him. There was a roaring in his ears, like he was finally panicking, and he raised his hands to cover them and closed his eyes tight, willing himself to calm down. But the roaring didn’t go away, and then a hand tugged roughly at his arm.

His eyes burst open, and there in front of him was Lily, looking like she had years and years ago, green eyes still seeing and filled with excitement, and her brilliant, beautiful red hair pulled back in a messy ponytail, and her face puzzled. Why was her face puzzled? She frowned, and pulled his hands away from his ears.

“Sev? Are you OK? You just—” her voice, so much higher than he remembered, faded to white noise as the world seemed to blur around him again.  
God, it had been years since she had called him Sev. Or… had it been? Severus could remember the years of estrangement, of hatred, and he could remember the horror of just a few hours ago, of her dead body. But he could also remember another time a few hours ago, hurrying to the car with Lily and laughing as they tried to haul their trunks into the boot, begging her parents to hurry so they wouldn’t be late to their first day at Hogwarts. His eyes widened. Their first day at Hogwarts!

Lily was still looking at him worriedly, but she had stopped speaking. He remembered that now, that she would always wait for him to speak instead of just talking on.

“Sorry, L-Lily,” he stumbled a bit over her name, how long had it been since he’d said it? On one hand, minutes, even seconds, and on the other hand, years. “It’s just a bit loud in here, is all.” It was so odd to hear his squeaky 11-year-old voice.

“Yeah, I know, isn’t it just so exciting?!” Lily was practically vibrating, shifting forward and backward on the balls of her feet. Severus had the distinct feeling that if he didn’t go forward with her soon, she might start jumping up and down. He laughed, and her eyes brightened at the sound. She grabbed his hand and pulled him and all their luggage towards the bright red Hogwarts Express, and he followed bemusedly, staring at their hands with an expression perhaps too nostalgic for the face of a child.


	2. Happenstance and Hats

Severus was following Lily around the train almost blindly. He was too happy that she was here, and that she liked him again, to focus on much else, including finding a compartment like he was supposed to be doing. But all of that happiness fled as he heard a familiar voice ahead of them. They drew even with a compartment with two boys in it: Potter and the beady-eyed boy, what had been his name? But he had paused at the door of the compartment, and Lily was looking in curiously. He hastened to stop her.

“Wait, Lily—”

She turned back with a smile. “Come on, Sev, there’s room for all four of us, and we can always read in the corner anyway.” She giggled once and stepped in the door. Potter looked up in surprise as she walked towards them with her hand stuck straight out in front of her.

“Hi! I’m Lily Evans, and this slow-poke,” she said, directly the word behind her at Severus with a smile as he stood frozen in the doorway, “is Severus. Can we join you, please?”

Beady eyes said nothing, just staring at them. But Potter swaggered up to her, ignoring her hand completely and crossing his arms with a grin, and Severus watched, feeling sick to his stomach, as history repeated before his eyes. He took a step backward into the hallway as if he could make this stop by running away from it.

Potter was about to introduce himself when Severus took one more step backward and ran right into another pair of people, causing them all to stumble into the wall. He quickly righted himself and turned around, apology already half out, when he saw who it was. Narcissa Malfoy — no, Black, currently — stared down at him with her usual air of superiority, which Severus supposed was deserved, as she was a 6th year Slytherin and towered above him. But however frightening Narcissa was, even more worrying was the small boy that was standing in her shadow—Sirius Black.

Severus hadn’t thought about it at the house in Godric’s Hollow, too overwhelmed with grief, and everything since then had been a whirlwind of emotions and nonsensical events and Lily. But looking at the face of this particular 11-year-old, he remembered who the secret-keeper had been. Oh, it had taken some persuasion to make Dumbledore tell him, but if he was going to play double agent, he was going to know how well Lily was protected. Here was the boy that had undoubtedly betrayed Lily and Potter, his supposed best friends, to the Dark Lord. Here was the boy that had betrayed Lily, killed Lily, and Severus was going to rip his throat out—

“Sev?” 

Again, Severus felt Lily’s hand on his arm, pulling him back to reality as he glared at 11-year-old eventual-traitor Black, who looked right back at him with some odd emotion in his eyes. Severus watched as the boy’s eyes flicked to Lily and then to the compartment behind him, and once more to Narcissa towering above them all.

“I’ll just sit in here and you can go find your perfect little friends, Cissy.” Black spoke with arrogance, but there was something about his voice. Severus could have sworn it was shaking slightly.  
‘Cissy’ muttered under her breath and shoved Black toward the rest of them. “Go on then, go with the other firsties. And don’t cause any trouble, I don’t want to hear from your mother _or_ mine.” She stared down at the boy, eyes hard, and then swept off down the hall. In front of Severus, Black breathed a small sigh of relief, and then, setting his shoulders, made his way around everyone still crowded in the doorway and into the compartment, oozing nonchalance.

Twenty minutes later, Severus was sitting next to Lily, as far as they could get from the now-rambunctious trio of boys. Both of them sat with their noses in books that Lily had pulled from her knapsack with a smile, but Severus wasn’t reading. He was thinking. This was the first moment he had gotten to himself since being sent back here, and he needed a bloody master plan, or at least a plan to get through the next few hours. The next few hours were crucial, and so many things had gone wrong already.

As soon as they had all gotten settled, and everyone had begun to introduce themselves, Severus had been struck by the fact that not only had Lily just met most of the people that would ruin and end her life, she had met them because of Severus. She had met them even earlier than she would have otherwise. He had to turn this around, had to make sure she didn’t continue to associate with them. He had to change something big, something that would really send them on different paths. He had to change her house.

But now Severus had a bigger problem. How do you make Lily Evans a Slytherin? His train of thought was interrupted as a ball of parchment flew into his face, making him flail backwards and into Lily, who did some similar flailing. He glared up at Potter, who was holding his hands up in defence and laughing.

"Sorry! I was aiming for this bloke over here, I swear!" Potter said through guffaws, and gestured at beady-eyed boy, who had finally been introduced and was now laughing with the others, holding his hands in front of himself defensively.

Well, Severus thought. Maybe I just have to convince her that nothing could be worse than Gryffindor. It wouldn’t be too difficult.

"And what houses are you two geniuses hoping to lose House Points for?" he said, trying to keep the jaded tone out of his voice. Lily let loose a slight giggle beside him, and he had to keep from beaming – it would have ruined his façade.

Black beat Potter to the punch. "Oh, Gryffindor all the way, stir up some real trouble. Although anything but Slytherin would really do. Bunch of stuck-up tossers, the way I've heard it."

Severus smiled. "Well then, I suppose I'll have to beg for anywhere but Gryffindor to learn anything at all."

To his consternation, this did not appear to offend the Trio of Terror. Instead, they looked rather pleased with themselves. "Oh, and who comes to school to learn, Severus? Certainly not anyone I'd want to hang out with," Potter said with one last smirk thrown his way, before turning back to his parchment-ball game.

"Well. We won’t be hanging out with them, will we?" said Lily beside him, and Severus's chest flooded with hope. He decided not to push his luck any more and make her suspicious, and instead settled down to actually read his book beside his best friend.

Before he knew it, Severus was walking up to the castle next to a sopping-wet Lily, feeling rather victorious. She had pulled them into the same boat as a couple of girls that Severus thought were soon-to-be Hufflepuffs, but Potter, one boat over, had made such a ruckus trying to push Black into the lake that he had overturned their whole boat, soaking its human contents as well as the boats around them. Lily was currently trying to wring out her ponytail and muttering under her breath. Severus thought he heard the words ‘good-for-nothing’ and grinned wider. They would both be in Slytherin, she would never even talk to Potter or Black ever again. Well, he amended, maybe she’d still insult them like she used to.

Imagining what it would be like to have all his classes with Lily, Severus nearly ran down the thin boy in front of him. He stumbled backward, mumbling apologies, but when the boy turned and looked back, Severus unconsciously staggered back a few more steps. His heart started racing. It was the wolf, the wolf he still saw in his nightmares and every time he faced a Boggart. He drew in a fast breath, trying to calm down. He couldn’t afford mistakes like this. He couldn’t be afraid of a boy he had no reason to fear. Well, not a reason that he knew. Yet.

Time travel was a mess, Severus decided firmly.

Wolf-boy was mumbling something into his ratty trainers, probably an apology, but Severus couldn’t pay attention — he was too busy thinking. Was he actually a wolf yet? Severus looked at his pallid, sickly complexion and the anxiety with which he was twisting his fingers in front of him and decided that yes, he probably was. Disgusting.

“Sorry, sorry! We’re too busy looking at everything to see where we’re going.” Lily’s words and tinkling laugh pulled Severus’s widening eyes toward her, and before he could stop her—not that he’d know how—she was sticking her hand out again, meeting another Gryffindor boy, making everything worse. He glared at wolf-boy, trying to dissuade him from returning the handshake. It worked, and he grew even paler, stuttered something incomprehensible, and turned around, hunching in on himself.

Severus’s self-congratulations didn’t last long, however, because he found himself the victim of a Lily Evans Glare.

“What was that?” When she saw his gobsmacked look, she narrowed her eyes and continued. “What’s going on with you, Sev? It’s like you don’t want to be here, or make friends, or… or anything.”

His throat felt constricted and his voice came out shaky, all the fights they’d had flooding back at the tone in her voice, the intensity in her as she put her hands on her hips and squared her jaw.

“S-sorry,” he began, but no other words would come to mind, and she let out a forced breath and turned away, taking the few steps needed to leave him alone and put her next to wolf-boy. Severus watched, his stomach somewhere around his kneecaps, as she bent her head, so much closer to his height than to Severus’s, and said something to him that made him raise his head slightly, though not enough to make eye contact. Then they were moving, moving, through the stone archway and through the huge wooden doors, into the Great Hall.

As usual, the Hall was magnificent. Candles floated at all levels — Severus remembered trying to figure out in his 5th year if there was a pattern to them, or even a precise randomness — and the starry sky opened above them. All the first-years around them were staring up at it with open mouths, even those that had likely been warned of the grandeur, but Severus only had eyes for Lily and wolf-boy in front of him, both of them staring upward as well. He saw him say something to her, pointing up at a constellation, and saw her smile in response, and his stomach dropped further, through the floor to the horrid house-elves below them. Lily would be in Gryffindor for sure, with the wolf, and with Black and with Potter and that what’s-his-name boy, and they would ruin his life all over again.

Professor McGonagall stymied his inner monologue, stepping up and clearing her throat as she unrolled a large scroll of parchment. The hall quickly quieted, all eyes on the tiny first years trembling in fear. The Hufflepuff table looked sympathetic to their plight. All the Slytherins were smirking. Severus started to smirk with them, and then realized he should probably be afraid as well. He schooled his face into one of appropriate terror and waited.

“Avery, Aballach!”

Severus snorted under his breath, and there were a few titters in the audience. He had forgotten Avery’s first name, but he supposed there were worse reasons to insist on going by your last name, like some sort of deranged ex-soldier. Avery, managing to lumber even as an 11-year-old, moved to the stool and sat down. Severus knew where he would end up, so he turned to the bigger problem at hand, leaning down to Lily.

“I hope we don’t end up with those idiots from the train. Can you imagine?” he said under his breath, a slight smile on his face as he imagined Lily and himself in robes of green and silver.

She glanced up and quirked him a small smile, but it didn’t reach her eyes. He put out his hand to touch her shoulder, to try and convince her somehow, to make her understand that she had to be a Slytherin this time. She just had to. He looked up to see Avery taking a seat in that very house, as ‘Damocles, Belby’ sat on the stool, hat down almost to his eyes.

“HUFFLEPUFF!” the hat roared, and the badger house roared in return. As if being in Hufflepuff was anything to be proud of. The boy hopped off the stool.

“Black, Sirius!”

There was a slight hush at the Slytherin table, all eyes moving slightly to Narcissa, and to Lucius Malfoy next to her. Severus turned to see Black walking up to the Sorting Hat, shoulders hunched as if being crushed by all the expectations in the room. Only he knew, Severus mused, that an upheaval was about to occur. That a blood-traitor was about to be born.

Black sat on the stool, eyes scrunched tight, focusing hard. At one point he even whispered the word ‘no’, although Severus doubted that the rest of the student body heard him. Finally, he opened his eyes, a light in them that hadn’t been present before.

“GRYFFINDOR!”

The Gryffindor table erupted in cheers, in roars, in song. Severus saw Lily turn red with embarrassment, or maybe disapproval, at some of the words being hollered, and smiled to himself. No way would she choose Gryffindor now. Looking over to Slytherin, he saw Lucius Malfoy turn white as a sheet as his lips grew thin in anger. Narcissa stopped herself from standing up, but glared daggers at Black as he walked to the Gryffindor table. Well, that was one idiot off the list.

‘Dolohov, Antonin’ was sorted into Ravenclaw, and then it was Lily’s turn. She turned to look at Severus, who opened his mouth but didn’t know what to say, what to try. Turning back around, she straightened her back and walked proudly, if a little too quickly to be casual, to the sorting hat. She sat on the stool and looked nervously at it as it was lowered onto her head. Severus watched in fright. Maybe she would choose Slytherin, but then again, he wasn’t in Slytherin yet, and she wasn’t to know that he’d end up there. But even if she didn’t get into Slytherin, anything would be better than being with Potter for 7 years. Ravenclaw would be good. Merlin, even the Horrible Huffles would be better than Gryffindor. He watched Lily’s brows furrow as she thought furiously at the hat. He watched them relax as the battle was won, and then she opened her eyes and looked directly at Severus.

“GRYFFINDOR!”

Lily smiled sadly in his direction, then stood and walked slowly towards the cheering Gryffindors, blushing as she reached them and was pulled into handshakes and embraces.

Severus just stared at her, watching her become a Gryffindor all over again. He barely heard ‘Fortescue, Alice’ get sorted Gryffindor as well, or ‘Longbottom, Frank’ and ‘Lovegood, Xenophilius’ become Ravenclaws. Not until ‘Lupin, Remus’ did he look away from the red shock of hair, to instead look at the frail boy next to him. When his name was called he had squeaked — a high, obnoxious sound — and now stood paralysed. Frustrated, wanting to get this charade over with, Severus shoved him slightly forward. Wolf-boy seemed to come back to himself and shot Severus a smile—a grateful smile!— before half-running to the hat.

As soon as the hat started speaking to him, he began shaking, and Severus smirked at the idea that the hat was uncovering all his beastly secrets. But all too soon, the wolf was smiling and going to the Gryffindor table, straight to Lily who beamed at him and moved to give him the seat next to her.

Looking at them, Severus moved from anger into thought. So Lily wasn’t in Slytherin, but maybe he could change houses. Maybe he could be a Gryffindor! Yes. He would get put in Gryffindor, then walk to Lily and sit right between her and the wolf. Fix everything from behind enemy lines. He’d done it before.

“MacDonald, Mary!”

Yes, if he could convince the sorting hat that he wanted to be brave, that he wanted to…

“GRYFFINDOR!”

…to protect Lily, that was Gryffindorish, right? He could run headfirst into battle, any idiot could.

“Mulciber, MacGregor!”

He’d get into Gryffindor, then. It was settled.

“SLYTHERIN!”

…but even if he couldn’t. Lily had friends in Ravenclaw. As long as he wasn’t a snake, he could stay around her, he could keep her from Potter, and Black, and the wolf, and—

“Pettigrew, Peter!”

Oh, that was his name. And Pettigrew.

Pettigrew joined the idiot lions, and Potter after him. Severus watched with distaste as he, too, headed toward Lily, and was only slightly reassured by the look she gave him when he tried to sit between her and the wolf.

‘Prudens, Pandora’ was sorted into Hufflepuff, and then it was his turn, the last first year standing in line.

“Snape, Severus!”

He walked confidently up to the stool and sat down. He felt the hat thinking, but it said nothing for a few seconds. Then,

_Well. This is quite interesting, is it not?_

_Interesting?_

_You are 21, and yet you are 11. How is it possible that you should be both?_

Severus rolled his eyes, or at least he did mentally. _There was a whole deal with… Time herself? Magic herself? Or something? It doesn’t really matter. Let’s get down to the real issue here._

_Ah, yes. You wish to trick me into putting you into Gryffindor, so you won’t be in Slytherin. I ask you, is that not a profoundly Slytherin thing to do? One would think that you were trying to strengthen my resolve rather than weaken it._

_I’m not—_

_Barring that, of course, you want to be put in Ravenclaw, or even in Hufflepuff, although I sense an amount of distaste for that house that I would rather not put into words. They would be rather foul._

_Severus shook his head, trying to straighten out his thoughts that the hat had yanked out in a crumpled ball. It’s my best friend. Lily. She’s in Gryffindor, and I have to SAVE her, I have to protect her. You don’t understand. It’s not fair. I deserve—_

_Life isn’t fair, young man. Yes, you are still young, whether you are 11 or 21. I am not fair. And I am not here for what you think you need. I am here to put you where you belong. And anyone who has a strategy and several back-up plans before they have me on their head deserves to be in– ___

__“SLYTHERIN!”_ _

__Severus opened his eyes to see the hall staring at him with wide eyes. His had certainly been the longest deliberation. The Slytherin table was clapping politely. He stood up woodenly, not even wanting to look in Lily’s direction but unable to help himself. She was looking at him sadly, but without surprise, like she was the one who had lived this before. He tore his eyes away from hers and walked to the Slytherin table, sitting next to Mulciber and Avery but fixing them with a glare strong enough that they would leave him alone for the rest of the meal._ _

__Once everyone was done eating, and Dumbledore had finished his speech, he silently followed the prefect to the dungeons, laid down in his old four-poster bed, and stared at the hangings, deep in thought. He was going to need a new plan._ _


	3. Worries and Werewolves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm so happy with the response so far, thanks to everyone reading!
> 
> There aren't any specific trigger warnings for this chapter, other than the general self-hate and angst, which will be there pretty constantly for a while. Severus is a mess, guys.
> 
> Thank you to my glorious beta, [LifeShouldBeAMusical](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LifeShouldBeAMusical)!

Classes the next day passed in a blur. Severus didn’t speak, didn’t raise his hand. Of course, if any professor asked him to demonstrate a spell, he could do so. Several of them he could have done wandlessly, though that would be a time-travel no-no. But although he spent all day trying to devise a new way of getting to Lily, he was no closer to a solution as he walked to the library after dinner. He claimed a table in the back, set his bag down beside him, and laid his head in his hands. He had changed nothing yesterday. At least, nothing for the better. He had managed to introduce Lily to the reasons for her death, after all. He let out a breath of frustration that morphed into a sort of shriek when someone tapped him on the shoulder. Twisting quickly up and around to face the new enemy, he almost fell out of his chair, only just managing to catch himself. Looking up at the wolf standing over him, he was caught up in a memory. He felt the blood rush out of his face as he recalled the huge beast towering over him, staring down with eyes just the wrong side of animal.

“Umm…”

“Merlin’s saggy…” Coming back to reality, Severus could feel his face turning red with embarrassment and anger. “What? Do you make a habit out of creeping up on people in libraries?”

It was the wolf’s turn to blush. “S-Sorry. Umm. I’m Remus.” He moved to shake Severus’s hand, then thought better of it and stuck it in his pocket instead. Well, at least he could read a room.

“I saw you over here, I was sitting…” he pointed behind him to a table strewn with far too many books for just the first day of classes. “…and I saw you, and I know that you’re friends with Lily too…”

Too? As if they were even remotely in the same category when it came to Lily.

“And anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to be friends too. It might make things easier, for her, because, well,” he took a deep breath and plunged onward, speeding up, “she wouldn’t want me to tell you this but she’s really sad and shespentmostofthenightcrying!” By the end of his sentence, his voice had risen dramatically in pitch and volume, enough that Madame Pince shushed them, slamming the book in front of her shut for emphasis.

Severus felt anger rise in his throat, hot and bitter. “What did Black and Potter do?!” he stood so that he could look down on the wolf, only to realize that when he was standing up straight, he really wasn’t that much taller. To his surprise, instead of yelling back or cowering with his tail between his legs, the boy starting laughing.

Madam Pince suddenly appeared beside them, one eyebrow raised in absolute contempt and one long fingernail pointed at the exit forcefully. This only made him laugh louder, but as the librarian’s eyes glinted dangerously, he quickly closed his mouth and began moving toward the door, grabbing his books on the way. Madam Pince turned on Severus, who lowered his eyes and grabbed his own bag. As he caught up to the werewolf, entirely on accident, he couldn’t help but smile slightly at the quiet chortles still escaping him. Horrified at his albeit-normal response, he quickly turned to walk away from the boy.

“Hey!” he heard fast footsteps as the wolf caught up to him. Fine. Severus supposed it was better to just get this conversation over with.

“What.”

“Sorry for the laughing, I just. I can’t imagine those idiots doing anything remotely useful or successful. More like… useless and unsuccessful. No, Lily.” he cleared his throat, “Lily was crying because of you.”

Severus found himself moving toward the other boy. “Because – because of me? What did I do?”

“You got sorted into Slytherin.”

Severus huffed in disgust. “You lot and your stupid obsession with hating Slytherin. What, it took one day?”

“It’s not that it’s Slytherin. It’s that it isn’t Gryffindor. She’s worried about you alone.”

Something small and desperate flared inside Severus at that word. Alone. A thousand images flashed through his mind. The Marauders, warm and happy and together. One or two boys stepping to the front sometimes, but always the others close behind, right there, if you needed them.

Well, Severus didn’t need them. He spun on his heel – a move long since perfected – and walked, almost ran, away from the wolf. He sped around the corner and into an alcove, ducking into the shadows to hide the angry tears in his eyes. He didn’t need them. He didn’t.

* * * * *

Having Potions with the Gryffindors was great. The first day Severus had sat by Lily and she hadn’t stopped him. She had only looked at him happily and started in on how amazing Hogwarts was. Severus found that he liked Potions better now that he didn’t have to try so hard to impress Lily. All his classes were easy now, of course, and he finally started to relax. But the werewolf haunted him, and not only in his nightmares, which had been going on as long as Severus could remember. Sitting in Potions, chatting happily with Lily, he could feel the boy’s eyes on them, watching from several desks back where he sat with Pettigrew. Severus had started by glaring at the wolf, but soon started glaring at Pettigrew instead, which had the lovely effect of making him nervous enough to pour Bittersap in his nutrition potion and cause a quite satisfactory explosion. Werewolves with no eyebrows were a significant improvement, in his opinion.

He also had Flying lessons with the Gryffindors, but the two houses were kept separate — he imagined Mr. Hooch (a balding man who probably hadn’t been on a broom himself in years) had had one too many run-ins with house rivalries on the ground, much less 20 feet in the air. Severus spent whole lessons glaring at the werewolf as he tried in vain to help Lily learn to fly. Didn’t he know that she was a visual learner, that she’d only learn how to fly in third year when Severus charmed their brooms to mirror each other? Nothing ever changed, after all.

It was time for the first Hogsmeade weekend in no time, although of course first and second years weren’t allowed. Sitting by himself in the library once again, Severus was spreading his things out on the table in front of him when he had a flash of hopelessness. Memories of seven years of this, sitting alone studying, over and over again, plagued his mind, until all he could do was lay his head in his hands and let the tears fall bitterly. He wouldn’t even be studying this time, wouldn’t even be learning all the amazing parts of magic. Couldn’t even check out advanced texts from the library until maybe fifth year without attracting suspicion.

The sound of books falling to the floor made him jerk his head up and around, looking for the interloper. He spotted the source: a Ravenclaw, who was old enough to go to Hogsmeade but was in the library instead. Typical. He sat on the floor with books scattered around in sad, spine-ruining piles. He looked stricken, and as Madame Pince stormed up to him it actually looked like he might cry. Severus started to snigger but stopped when he made eye contact with the boy behind the Ravenclaw. The werewolf was smiling too, more openly, eyes full of mirth, and when he saw Severus the smile only dropped a fraction. He seemed to hesitate, then waved, just once, before turning back to the books in front of him. Advanced books, Severus saw.

Well. Who said werewolves had to be stupid, or mean? Maybe he was intelligent, like Severus, spending a weekend in the library to read for fun. Maybe…

Maybe here was his change. Had the wolf been nice to him the first time around? He didn’t think so. He certainly didn’t remember it, though before he knew the boy was a dark creature, he hadn’t paid him much attention. Severus glanced over again, wary, but he was still bent over his books, nose almost touching the page of a book on second year Transfiguration.

What if Severus manufactured a friendship between them? Faked friendliness, faked niceness, would the werewolf get him closer to Lily? Closer to the Marauders? Could he do that?

Yes. For Lily, he could. He would.

Determined, Severus nodded once to himself and stood. He walked over to the boy’s table, but found that when he opened his mouth, nothing came out. How did one begin a friendship? The first thing he had said to Lily was “You’re a witch!”, but he doubted that would apply as well in this situation.

While he was mulling over his predicament, the boy looked up at him, brow furrowed. It clearly took him a second to realize what was happening. Severus recognized the look from when he himself switched from the world of reading to that of people. But now the wolf was looking at him, head tilted, eyebrows lifted, the facial equivalent of, “and what do you want?”

All of a sudden, Severus wanted to run away, run back to his table. Back where he had the whole space to himself and didn’t have to deal with this.

“Did you need something?”

Severus realized his mouth was still open, and shut it quickly, then opened it again. Merlin, he was like a fish, wasn’t he? Just as useless. Words, Severus. Make words.  
“Did you… did you want to…” and he gestured in the direction of his table, 8 feet away. Merlin and _Morgana _, this was horrible.__

__Luckily, the boy seemed to understand his attempt at the English language and smiled at him, though it looked a little like laughter. “You left your stuff at your table, walked over here, and asked me if I wanted to move all of my stuff to your table?”_ _

__Damn it. It would have been better to just bring his stuff over here, wouldn’t it? But then, what if he had said no? Had sent him away?_ _

__Luckily, the boy didn’t seem to need an answer, as he smiled a little wider and began gathering his things. “Okay. But you have to let me look at your Potions essay. What is Professor Slughorn thinking, assigning a foot and a half over a Hogsmeade weekend?”_ _

__“We-we can’t even go, though.” Severus stuttered out, following him back to his table. The boy set his rucksack on the table and sat down, immediately starting to pull things out of it again._ _

__“Well no, of course not, but we’re all so mad about that, we won’t get anything done anyway.”_ _

__Severus almost laughed at that, then caught himself, then realized he probably should laugh at what the other boy said. By that point, though, it was too late. Feeling a bit like his body and his brain were in two slightly different places, he sat down heavily in his chair. Seeing the parchment in front of him, he slid it over to the wolf, who looked at him in confusion before looking down at it._ _

__“This is the Potions essay? But you’re almost – you’re done! There’s got to be two foot here at least, actually. Blimey.”_ _

__“I-I really like potions. I s-study a lot.”_ _

__“Well you can do all my potions, then. I hate it.”_ _

__Severus gaped at him. “How can you hate it? It’s like… it’s like… art.”_ _

__The werewolf smiled wide at the response and launched into a rant about the bad-smell levels of various ingredients, as well as all the different explosions that Pettigrew had caused._ _

__When it was time for dinner several hours later, Severus followed Remus out of the library and down the staircase, and wondered when the wolf had become Remus in his head._ _


	4. Books and Bullies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! No specific triggers in this chapter, just more self-hate and some bullying. Severus is still a mess, but when isn't he? Thanks to my beta, [LifeShouldBeAMusical](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LifeShouldBeAMusical)! Without you, my dialogue would make even less sense.

Severus had a problem, because Severus had made a plan, and that plan was definitely not going to plan, so he needed a new plan, and that was definitely too many plans in one train of thought to be strictly healthy.

The plan was clear: make fake friends with the werewolf, to get closer to Lily, and then stop being fake friends with the werewolf and stay close to Lily. Granted, he hadn’t worked out the details for that last part, but he was fairly confident in the overall structure of this. The plan.

The problem was less clear. He had made fake friends with the werewolf, but then the werewolf had turned into Remus. And those two things were the same thing, but they also weren’t. The werewolf was terrifying and disgusting and mostly terrifying. Remus was… not terrifying. At all. Severus was pretty sure a strong wind could blow him over, for one, and for two, unless you could kill someone with almost useless knowledge about Transfiguration and an almost obsessive love for chocolate, Remus had no weapons at his disposal.

All week, he and Remus had ended up studying in the library together. At first, they would walk in at separate times and ask to join the other. Severus tried to move his stuff more than Remus’, so as to fake more friendliness. Then one day, Severus had a great idea, really the epitome of friendliness, and walked up to Remus in the Great Hall at dinnertime, and said, “Library, 7?” and Remus had nodded, and that was that. They mostly helped each other with their homework, although Severus faked needing help in Transfiguration, of course. He was getting really good at this faking thing. Not that it was surprising, given all the sneaking he had done in the future-past. But they spent a surprising amount of time just talking, laughing, being glared at by Madame Pince, and then laughing more quietly. Some of the laughter wasn’t as fake as he meant it to be.

So all in all, this fake friendship felt a lot like actual real friendship, and that was Not The Plan. Severus was trying to figure out how this changed everything as he walked into the Great Hall for breakfast, but was quickly distracted by a hand grabbing his wrist and yanking. His other hand twitched automatically toward his wand before he remembered that he was, in fact, eleven years old.

Since Remus was about two inches shorter than he was and probably weighed half as much, the yanking was not having its desired effect. Instead, Severus merely looked at him, alarmed by the suddenness but mostly alarmed by the fact that this felt so normal, Remus Lupin trying to drag him places with a smile. Well, now it was mostly a frown. 

“Severus? Do you… do you want to sit with us?” Now he looked uncertain, and Severus felt the need to reassure him, which he shoved down, and then wondered why he had. Wait… us?

“Wait… us?”

“Me and Lily.”

Severus looked over to the end of the Gryffindor table, where Lily was waving, almost frantically. He looked down again where Remus still had his wrist, then back up at the shorter boy, and felt the second part of the plan click into place. Maybe this could be salvaged. He nodded and walked toward Lily, dragging Remus behind him for a second in his haste. It wasn’t until he got all the way to her that he realized where he had to be, to sit with Lily and Remus. At the Gryffindor table. With the Gryffindors.

“I’m… I’m in Slytherin.”

Remus grinned slightly, while Lily just looked at him like she was waiting for him to pass judgement.

“We know that, Severus. The robes were kind of a tip-off.” Remus quipped, but he too was waiting. Severus glanced around—he had always been a follower, never the first one to do anything, and he wasn’t about to start now. But there, down at the other end of the Gryffindor table, there were a few Hufflepuffs, and there was some blue in the sea of yellow at the table next to him. And all the way at the other end of the hall, in the mass of green, black, and malice, he saw one or two sporting different colours as well.

When had houses stopped mixing in the future-past? Severus found he couldn’t remember. He glanced back at Remus and Lily, Remus still standing and Lily looking up at him, and made a choice. Made a change. He quickly slid into the seat across from Lily, who burst into a larger smile than he’d seen in months and quickly passed him the shepherd’s pie.

Lily was fantastic at Charms, Remus at Transfiguration, and Severus at Potions. He figured that for his cover he couldn’t be truly gifted at more than one subject, so he feigned ignorance on Herbology and suffered alongside the other two. And so a study group was formed. Their usual meeting place was, of course, the library, and they even had a designated table: in the Arithmancy section, where younger students rarely travelled, directly in front of a bust of the inventor of some magical harvesting technique. Severus discovered by deciphering the very old inscription that his name was Hermiker Harklton. Lily nicknamed him Hermy, by necessity. Remus, not wanting to be left out, declared him the patron saint of their studying, in the hopes that he would help with their Herbology issues.

One night, while Remus was kneeling in front of Hermy and praying for knowledge about Venomous Trucklehoffers, Lily laughing silently to avoid the wrath of Madame Pince, Severus sat back and looked at both of them. It was wonderful, he thought, to not have to go back to the Slytherin common room each evening, or be at a table alone. He had discovered a certain joy in not having enough room at his table, in elbowing inkwells out of his way and making sure he had his own textbook when they all packed up at closing. He would be sad when it went away. His future-past younger years had been fairly lonely, with Lily for company sometimes, but definitely not always. He recognized now that he’d put too much pressure on her, expected her to make him not lonely. Instead, he should have just hid his own issues and focused on her, made her happier. He could do that now. Why have a second chance if you didn’t use it?

It was that same night, walking toward the corridor where he and the Gryffindors would have to part ways, that they heard a voice behind them. 

“Look, it’s our intrepid bookworms!” Potter walked up and reached out to grab a book out of Lily’s arms. Already enraged, Severus stepped forward, in front of her, and knocked Potter’s hand away.

Now Black, the traitor, the murderer, spoke up from beside Potter. “And why would the tiny redheaded lion need a slimy snake to defend her book on…” he dodged around Severus and grabbed the book, “Charms Level Three? A bit of light reading, Evans?”

Severus stepped to the side, preventing Black from even seeing Lily, his Lily, needed to protect her. But he couldn’t find the words to continue this banter. He never could.

Potter leaned closer, as if Severus was a bug he wanted to study. “Blimey, Sirius, slimy snake is right, look at that hair! Fit to be a Slytherin, Sorting Hat must have felt that grease right away. Come on, wouldn’t want to miss curfew, Miss Evans here might get us in trouble!” He strode past them, in the direction of Gryffindor Tower. 

Pettigrew, ever the echo around these two, could be heard to mutter “…slimy snake” as he trailed the two charismatic boys, almost running to keep up on his shorter legs.

Severus turned around with a sigh, but was unprepared for the fist that landed in the middle of his chest. The very small fist from the very small Lily in front of him. Her anger, though, wasn’t so small.

“Why would you do that, Severus? Like I can’t… like I can’t…” she seemed lost for words, and merely shook her head, then stormed off toward the tower as well.

Severus found himself turning toward Remus for an explanation, commiseration, something, and found the boy looking back at him with a funny kind of smile on his face. Was he going to make Severus ask? Apparently so.

“Why was she mad?”

“You stood in front of her,” Remus told him, already walking backward to follow the other Gryffindors. “She hates that, you know.”

Well. That…

Was something he knew, of course, because he knew Lily. Better than anyone, right?

By all accounts, it was a stupid reason to be angry.

Nevertheless, the next time he saw Lily, he murmured an apology, and she accepted it, and things went back to normal, but it was a weird kind of normal, closer to the way things had been in their third or fourth year in the future-past.

He kept it in his mind, though, and wondered what the matter was. He wanted to protect Lily. That was all he had ever wanted to do. It was why he was even here, for Godric’s sake. How could he avoid that anger? How could he protect her without standing in front of her? Did she just hate feeling unseen, feeling hidden? Severus couldn’t really relate to that. He spent so much of his time trying desperately to stay out of other people’s ways. It was part of the reason being friends—being fake friends, Severus reminded himself—with Remus was so simple. Neither of them gathered any kind of spotlight. Backstage was just the way Severus liked it.

It was some time later, only a couple of weeks before Christmas break, when he once again found himself in the middle of a Gryffindor confrontation. This time, there was no Lily in sight, as she’d been kidnapped by her dormmates. Something about female bonding. He and Remus were heading to the library to scribble out essays on the Centaur Betrayal of 1674, and thus were walking without any sort of spring in their step. Potter called out to Remus first, from down the hall. A totally friendly call, and Severus remembered with a shock that these were his dorm-mates. That Remus was the fourth musketeer. How had he forgotten that? 

As the Gryffindors neared them, though, they noticed the company that Remus was keeping, and Black made a retching sound that made Severus flush with a mix of anger and embarrassment.

“Blimey, Lupin, why do you have to hang around with… this one?” Black sneered, staring at Severus.

“Honestly, Sirius, must you be an absolute jerk?” Remus said, a slight smile to his voice, and took a step forward so that he was at the Slytherin’s side. Severus had never been more grateful for his presence, and glanced over in relief. Remus shot him a grin and then turned back to the bullies in front of them. 

“You know, if you spent less time trying to think up clever insults for people you don’t even know, and more time looking anywhere near a textbook, you might actually pass some exams.” Remus said this calmly, like he was talking about the weather, and put a hand on Severus’s elbow, steering him around the others and down the hallway. “Just a thought!” he threw over his shoulder, and Severus snickered.

For the next hour, while Remus jotted down facts about centaurs, Severus was thinking. Thinking carefully. Obviously, he should say something about what had happened in the hallway. These were Remus’s dormmates, and he had been on Severus’s side, so he had to say something, so that Remus would know his loyalty was appreciated, and so that he would be encouraged to do the same thing next time. But what should he say? It had to be perfect. Serious, but not too serious, and with something to separate Remus from the other Marauders. By the time Remus set down his quill and leaned back, seemingly satisfied with his essay, Severus had a plan. He would apologize, Remus would accept, and then he would make a comment—something about Remus being better than them.

“About the thing in the hallway earlier… I just wanted to say thank you, I suppose.”

Remus looked at him strangely. “Thank you? For what?”

Severus’s plan went right out the window. “F-for what?”

Now Remus was smiling, although his brow was wrinkled in confusion. “For standing up to those jerks, y’mean?”

Severus, completely off script, could only nod.

“You don’t have to thank me, Severus. You’re my best mate.”

Severus stopped nodding and just looked at the other boy, the cogs in his head turning rapidly, trying to find the right thing to say to that, but he wasn’t fast enough. He heard Remus take in a quick breath and then pause before continuing to speak, haltingly. “Am I not…”

Severus looked at him, not knowing what to say but wanting to say something to fill this awkwardness that now suddenly hung like a huge chasm between them.

Remus stood suddenly and hoisted his bag onto his shoulder. “I’m sorry,” he said, too loudly, and then turned pink and almost ran from the library.

A week later, Severus had still not seen Remus. At first, he had thought it was because of their classes. As the semester, and thus many deadlines, came to a close, everyone was busier and much more stressed, and Severus had taken to studying in the Slytherin dorms because of all the students newly discovering the library. Then he checked the calendar—but no, the moon was almost two weeks away. Out of ideas, he turned to his last hope, Lily. He cornered her, yes, in the library, sitting down next to her and clasping his hands in his lap to keep them from tapping a nervous pattern. She glanced up, saw his face, and set down her quill, sensing that this was not a casual visit.

“Where’s Remus?” Severus blurted. He had decided not to even make a plan for this talk, since those just never ended well.

“He’s in the common room.”

Well. That hadn’t really answered his question. He tried again.

“Is he mad?” Severus was pretty sure he was angry, but the thought of asking why, and then hearing it, was not a beginning of the conversation kind of thing.

“No.”

He glanced up at her, confused, brain recalculating. She smiled and shook her head gently, as if she could see him thinking.

“Sev, he’s not mad, he’s embarrassed. You know,” she added as an afterthought, “you’re both kind of idiots.”

He was certainly not an idiot, thank you ever so. “I am certainly not an idiot,” he said, thinking it was an important enough thought to be said out loud. Lily laughed out loud, once, and then turned more fully in her chair to face him, tucking her hair behind her ear.

“Is Remus your friend?” she asked bluntly, and then, when he didn’t respond in the next few seconds, she turned back to the book in front of her.

It was a good ten seconds before he blurted, “I don't know!”

Lily turned on him at once, eyes almost wild. “How can you not know?! Of course he’s your friend, Sev. You know, sometimes, sometimes I’m almost jealous, because I was friends with you first, and it took so long for us to become friends, you know? It took us weeks to even hold a conversation that wasn’t so awkward and bad, you know? And then you and Remus hit it off right away, two birds of a feather, you don’t even try, and you’re telling me you’re not friends?! That we’ve sat here, at this table, you and me and Remus and Hermy, for weeks, and laughed and almost cried and studied and studied and…” she paused for breath “and you’re not sure?!”

This whole speech had been said in a whisper, but a whisper that had gotten steadily louder, and Lily had been slowly leaning closer. Now she blinked, and straightened up, and took a deep breath. “Sorry. That was, Sev, I’m sorry. I just… you two are my best friends, you know?”

“Yes,” Severus responded, glad to have a clear answer to give her, trying to process all the information she had just poured out to him.

“Why did this even come up? All Remus said was that he told you he was your friend, and you didn’t…”

“There was a thing. In the hallway.”

Lily looked up at him with a smile. “Oh, right. A thing. Well, that explains it.”

Severus found himself rolling his eyes and was glad for the slightly lighter conversation. “With the other Gryffindors? Potter and Black and the other one.”

“Peter?” Lily said, but there was a slight edge to her voice now. Worried, Severus plunged ahead.

“Yes, Pettigrew, and they said something to me, and Remus… was on my side. And so I thanked him, and he said that was what mates did, and I…”

“You didn’t think of him as a friend?” Lily said, a bite to her tone.

“That’s not…” Severus said, although he knew that she was at least a little correct. But that wasn’t it, not exactly.

“Oh,” Lily said, and she was quieter now, looking at him with big eyes even as he looked at his hands in his lap. “You didn’t know you were his friend.”

And there was no good response to that, of course there wasn’t, so he just kept staring at his fingers, watching as they turned pale from lack of blood flow.

“Sev?”

He glanced up at her, glad his hair was in his face and covering most of his expression. He wanted to be so far, far away. He hadn’t really felt eleven years old again until this moment.

“Sev, of course you’re his friend. Just like you’re my friend. We have your back just like you have ours, right?”

“…Yeah.”

Lily nodded, firmly, like that was that, and turned back to her book. But something occurred to Severus, and it came out before he could think it through.

“Butthenwhywereyoumad?”

Lily turned, a look on her face that clearly told Severus his mumbling had not been intelligible. There was no backing out now, so he tried again.

“Then… why were you mad?”

“When was I mad?” she asked, and she sounded honestly confused.

“I had your back. In the hallway, a few weeks ago? And then you were mad. But I’m your friend.”

Lily looked at him, brow furrowed, for a few seconds, and then a flash of recognition lit her face. She turned fully to face him, closing her book.

“I hate bullies. I _hate _them, I’ve hated them since Year 3 when Doug McLeroy pushed me down, just because I was small. But Tuney, she helped me up, and she yelled at them. And then when we went home, she sat me down and she told me what to do next time.”__

__Severus, who had met Lily’s sister Petunia only a handful of times, was having trouble believing that she had ever sat Lily down to talk about anything, but looking at the fond smile on Lily’s face, he was glad she had._ _

__“She told me how to stand up for myself, and the next time Doug bothered me, she came over and she stood beside me, just to be there, while I yelled at him instead.” Lily was smiling broadly at the memory, and Severus could imagine her as a tiny 7-year-old, vanquishing a boy twice her size with words. “Since then, I’ve always wanted to stand up for myself, because I can! No one has to stand between me and those jerks, Severus. Not even you.”_ _

__Severus relaxed as all the information slid into place in his mind. She wasn’t mad that he had protected her, just how he had. He remembered how nice it was to have Remus step up and stand next to him, joining him against the others. A team, instead of one hiding behind the other._ _

__“Ok, Lily. I won’t do that again.”_ _

__She smiled and then stuck her tongue out, making him laugh, before going back to the book in front of her._ _


	5. Family and Friendship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for references to domestic and child abuse/neglect. Also, description of a panic/anxiety attack. If that's not something you want to read, I'll put a summary in the notes at the end. As always, thanks to my beta, [LifeShouldBeAMusical](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LifeShouldBeAMusical). Happy reading!

Severus’s updated plan was as follows: One, find Remus, who may or may not be hiding in the Gryffindor Common Room. Two, explain to Remus that yes, they were friends. Three, try not to do too well on any of the end-of-term homework—he had gotten a note from Professor McGonagall on his last Transfiguration essay praising him for reading so far ahead.

Two things derailed this well-thought out plan. The first was the fact that even though Severus knew he needed, and even wanted, to tell Remus they were friends, he wasn’t sure if he wanted them to _be_ friends. After all, this was still Remus Lupin, the werewolf, who haunted Severus’s nightmares, who was part of the bane of his existence for much of his future-past life. Every day, though, those things seemed further away and he was surer that he wanted to be friends with this Remus, who lived for chocolate and who must never see how good Severus actually was at Transfiguration.

The second thing derailing the plan was a letter. One morning at breakfast, an owl zoomed down and landed in front of Severus at the Slytherin table. Remus and Lily still hadn’t joined him here, and he hadn’t asked, afraid of what kind of welcome they would receive from all the future Death Eaters around him. He quickly took the letter and gave the owl a piece of sausage. Looking at the return address, he felt ill.

His parents. Truth be told, he had barely even thought about them since arriving in this time. Every time he had started, he had rerouted his brain. They hadn’t written, and neither had he, although he vaguely remembered writing them the first time he was sorted into Slytherin. Staring at the envelope, and his mother’s handwriting, he felt himself starting to shake, and knew he couldn’t open the letter here. He glanced up and, finding Mulciber’s eyes on him, quickly looked down again and shoved the letter into his bookbag. He spent next few minutes picking at his porridge, but finally gave up and left breakfast early, walking out of the Great Hall perhaps a little too quickly to be casual.

Rounding the corner of the first corridor he came across, he backed into a wall and slid down into a crouch, trying to breathe. Why had he not thought about them, all this time? They were at home. His father was at home.

She was alive.

He heard his breaths begin to speed up again, and black dots had begun to swim in his field of vision, when he heard fast footsteps coming toward him.

“Severus?” a voice whispered, and that voice echoed in his ears, close to him but far at the same time, tinny and distant. Then someone was crouching down next to him. Severus glanced up and saw that a hand was hovering above his arm, but not touching. He looked up at Remus, and just knew that his eyes were wide and wild.

“Breathe, Severus. Try and match your breaths to your heartbeats, ok? Just… breathe. You’re fine."

Severus looked at Remus for a moment, and then did as he was told. He made his breaths match the very loud pounding of his heart, and felt himself slowly warm again, felt his vision widen and normalize.

“Do you need Madame Pomfrey?"

Severus shook his head, not trusting himself to speak just yet. What would he say, anyway? ‘Don’t mind me, I just need to have a lie down every time I get the post’?

“What can I do, Sev?” Remus asked once more, and the shock of him using that nickname for maybe the first time, the name Lily had always called him, made Severus actually move. He reached into his bag and pulled out the unread letter, holding it out to Remus in a barely-shaking hand. Remus took it, and with one more look at Severus, opened it and pulled out the letter inside.

While he read, Severus slid down the wall the rest of the way and crossed his legs, leaning his head back against the cold, stone wall and trying to keep his breathing steady. He wasn’t exactly sure why he had given Remus the letter. Maybe it was just so he wouldn’t have to read it himself, although he knew he had to know anyway. Severus had to know what he wanted, because as much as that was his mother’s writing on the envelope, he knew it was really Tobias who had written that letter.

Remus settled down next to him, and laid the letter on his knee. Severus braced for his questions, but they didn’t come. Of course, this wasn’t Lily, who would push and push until all your words were in the open. Severus had always loved that about Lily, that she wouldn’t stop until she knew you were alright, but it had never really helped him, not in moments like this.

They sat there until Severus straightened up and opened his eyes, and then Remus stood up.

“Breakfast is over in a few minutes, there’ll be people all over,” he said, and held a hand out to Severus to help him up. He took it and was hauled easily to his feet, which surprised him until he remembered: werewolf. He shuddered, but just slightly, and started walking further from the Great Hall. He felt Remus hesitate, then walk after him, and he slowed until they were walking side by side. They both headed down to Potions, but a few halls away from the classroom, Severus gathered his courage and turned into an empty room, holding out his hand for the letter. Remus handed it to him and he looked down, focusing on the words in that lovely cursive writing that he would always recognize as his mother’s. ‘Dear Toby’, he read, and sucked in a breath before blinking a few times to clear his eyes of panicked tears that were definitely not there.

> _‘Dear Toby,_
> 
> _How is school, my dear? I ran into Violet Evans at the shops, and she told me you had been sorted into Slytherin. A lovely house, although I certainly have a soft spot for my own Hufflepuff. Your father and I have been speaking, and we’ve decided that it might be best for you to stay there over Yule. Catch up on your studies, and really acquaint yourself with the school. I love you, my little prince._
> 
> _Mother’_

By the end, Severus was shaking again, and almost jumped out of his skin when Remus put a hand on his shoulder. He heard Remus mutter something about being late, and then he was guiding Severus toward Potions again just as people began filing in. They entered the classroom, and Remus headed toward his seat at the back, but when Severus looked at Lily at the front of the room, he couldn’t imagine having to answer her questions and reassure her for the whole class, so instead he turned and followed Remus. When he reached the desk, he started to put down his book bag, but hesitated, glancing at the other boy, who looked surprised but nodded and shot a look at someone behind them. Severus dropped his bag to the ground and sat carefully in his new seat, only vaguely seeing Pettigrew, Black, and Potter fight over who got to partner up and who had to go sit by Lily.

Throughout Potions, Severus tried to help, but more than once Remus had to stop him from putting in the wrong ingredient. Finally he just stopped and chopped things when he was told, mind still trying to think in a way that was like jogging through molasses. His mother was alive, and that was good, but his father was there too, and that was bad. He could see him in every word his mother wrote. In the name Toby, which Tobias insisted he go by, because ‘What kind of name is bloody Severus, Eileen?! What, you want him to be a freak?’. He could see him in the pure Muggle-ness of the letter. Not even the word Hogwarts was used, certainly no mention of magic. The inked words ‘Slytherin’ and ‘Hufflepuff’ were darker, the words almost tearing the paper, as if she were in pain while writing them. And there was no anger, or even sadness, at the fact that she had found out his house from a neighbor, and a Muggle one at that. At the fact that he had not written her. Just a demand, phrased as a request, that he not go home for Christmas, and a hurriedly scrawled message of love from the shadow of his mother that was alive, still alive.

There was a burst of sound, and Severus was jerked out of his thoughts. He looked over at Remus, who looked concerned but gave him a smile and pointed to the two vials of potion he had just stoppered. He wrote Severus’s name on one, his on the other, and went to hand them to Slughorn at the front of the room. Suddenly, Lily was at his side.

“Severus, what’s wrong? Why are you back here?” she laughed slightly and stepped closer, not noticing when he flinched back slightly. “I had to sit by Potter, which as you know is a big sacrifice to make. But it’s fine, he’s not that bad at Potions, I suppose. At least it wasn’t Peter, who blows his up half the time.” She paused, perhaps really looking at him for the first time. “Sev, are you okay?”

Remus, his hero Remus, took that moment to walk back to them. “Let him be, Lily, he’s fine.”

“He doesn’t look fine, Remus, what’s the matter?” her voice was getting louder, and Severus knew from experience that she could go from calm to hysterical quicker than you could say ‘bubotuber pus’, so he gathered himself and stood up. He cleaned the cauldron with a flick of his wand, grabbed his bag and Lily’s arm, and gestured at Remus to follow them, leading her out of the room and around the corner.

Lily looked almost angry now, hands on her hips, and Severus was struck by the fact that for the first time in maybe 7 years, they were the same height.

“My mother wrote me, Lily.”

Whatever the redhead had been about to say, she didn’t, and instead immediately looked worried. He hadn’t told her about his family (he had never gotten to, actually, even though later-earlier he wished he had, after she was no longer speaking to him), but she wasn’t stupid, and they’d had more than one argument with her trying to get him to open up. Well, now was the time, he supposed. What was a redo if you didn’t fix some of your regrets?

“They don’t want me to come home for Christmas.”

Lily was immediately protesting. “I’m sure they want you to Severus, maybe they’re just going out of the country, or too busy, or something! Or maybe they want you to have access to the library…” she kept talking, but Severus glanced at Remus, who was just looking at him sympathetically, and cut her off.

“They don’t want me to come home, Lily. It’s my father, actually, he never really wants me in the house, and my mother always agrees with him.”

Now they both were looking at him sympathetically, and he had the urge to take it back, to jump at Lily’s excuses, but he can’t really do that, so he looked at Remus again. He must have seen the cry for help in his eyes, because he filled the silence. “Why did she call you Toby?”

Lily jumped at the chance to answer a question, and Severus almost smiled, because that was such a Lily thing to do in any situation—answer the question, any question. “Tobias is his middle name! He’s named after his father.”

“Actually,” Severus corrected her, and really smiled at her surprise that she’d gotten it wrong, “Tobias is my first name, Severus is my middle name. Legally, in the Muggle world. On my birth certificate.”

“But all the teachers call you Severus.” Remus almost phrased it as a question, and Severus was happy that they were entering less emotional territory.

“Well, in the magical world, my name is Severus Tobias. They went to St. Mungo’s to register my birth, you have to do that if you want to be known in both worlds. And she put Severus Tobias on the forms. She switched them. They thought a Muggle name would be better in the Muggle world, and a Wizarding name here.”

Actually, his mother had gone alone to St. Mungo’s, since his father never stepped foot in the Wizarding World willingly. And if his father ever learned that she had switched the two names, he would likely… But his two friends didn’t need to know that.

“Does that mean that being here, this is the first time you’ve gone as Severus and not Toby?” Remus asked, and Lily quickly interjected.

“No, he asked me to call him Severus when we met, and that was months and months ago. You know, we can call you Toby if you…” she trailed off, because Severus was shaking his head, hard.

“No, please. I… I like Severus better.” He let out a relieved breath when they both nodded. “Can we get out of here?”

Remus answered quickly, “Yes, please, let’s go to the library. I still have to finish that Transfiguration essay that’s due this afternoon.”

Remus Lupin had never left a Transfiguration assignment until late in his life. Severus shot him a small smile and mouthed ‘thanks’ as they all turned and walked toward the library. Remus raised an eyebrow and smiled back, and Severus knew he was forgiven for their conversation-slash-argument about friendship. Still, he felt the need to say something, so he let Lily get slightly farther ahead and matched his steps to Remus.

“I would… very much like to be your friend.”

Remus’s smile brightened, and Severus thought he smothered a slight laugh. “Well I guess we’re friends, then. By the way, I’m staying for Christmas break too. Want to try and find the kitchens?”

Severus snorted, and spent the rest of the walk to the library wondering about how to ‘find’ the kitchens when he already knew where they were.

Christmas break at Hogwarts was… rather joyous, honestly. In his future-past, he had stayed almost every year, but had stuck to the dungeons most of the time, his nose in a book and trying not to imagine what was happening at home, or what kind of new and better friends Lily might be making without him. This year, though, Remus pulled him headlong into Christmastime. They went into meals where there was only one table set up, and mingled with the other people staying for Christmas. There were only around 15 of them, mostly in their last years at school, but a couple other first years were there: Mary McDonald, a Gryffindor and Lily’s dorm-mate, and Frank Longbottom, a Ravenclaw who mostly seemed thrilled to be spoken to. Mary was a force of nature, and that very first breakfast organized an all-ages snowball fight complete with well-balanced teams and a prize of one house point per person on the winning team (the points were gifted by a Hufflepuff prefect who was greatly amused). Remus scored the winning snowball, hitting a Ravenclaw seven-year in the face, and was hauled onto the shoulders of their team in victory.

Christmas day, Severus awoke to find more gifts than he had ever gotten before at his feet. As promised, he and Remus met in an empty classroom and opened them together. He got a book on the infamous Hermiker Harklton from Remus and a book on Muggle plants and their magical counterparts from Lily, and resolved to tease them both about their Herbology-themed gifts. Remus beamed as he opened Severus’s gift of Honeyduke’s Changing Chocolates, which you could switch from dark to milk with a tap of your wand. The best gift by far, though, was a gift from Lily’s mother: a framed photo of him and Lily at the park, Lily swinging higher and higher and jumping off, Severus looking slightly alarmed and worried until she drifted slowly down to the ground. It was in a simple, but elegant, frame, and Severus decided to put it next to his bed the first chance he got. He surprised himself by immediately thinking that he needed a picture of him and Remus next, so both his friends would be represented.

A few days after Christmas, they were sitting at dinner, and Remus seemed nervous about something. Finally, Severus put down his fork and turned to his friend.

“Is something the matter, Remus?”

Remus jerked slightly and looked almost nauseous. “Yes! No. I’m fine, I just… feel a little ill, I suppose. Think I’ll go see Madame Pomfrey after dinner.”

Severus almost offered to go with him, but remembered what day it was—the full moon was tonight. No wonder Remus was nervous. Severus would let him be, then, and bring him something tomorrow to help with the recovery. There was no point in making Remus try to get away from him. “Alright, sounds good. I’ll probably be in the library tonight, I want to read ahead a bit in Potions. I hope you feel better.”

Remus relaxed, quite obviously in Severus’s opinion, and he wondered how in the world Remus managed to keep his lycanthropy a secret from anyone at all. He was a truly horrid liar.

The rest of the break went by in a similar manner, and soon enough, students filled the hallways of Hogwarts again. Lily, Severus, and Remus started up their daily study group again, although now it was more… relaxed, Severus supposed. It wasn’t always in the library, and it wasn’t always studying. He found himself enjoying school, for the first time in a long time, and he began to forget about his future-past. It wasn’t forgetting, Severus told himself, but simply putting it aside, until he needed to think about it again. Everything was different, and everything was great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Severus is planning to go apologize to Remus when he gets a letter from his parents, who he hasn't spoken with since he went back in time. Severus panics, remembering how it was in his house in the future-past with his father, and remembering that both his mother and father are still alive. Remus finds him huddled in a corner and, with Severus' permission, reads the letter. It is brief, and basically only asks him to stay at Hogwarts for Christmas, but it is addressed to Toby rather than Severus and has almost no mention of the Wizarding World. Remus then helps him to Potions and carries them both through the class, leaving Severus to think and recover. Lily is concerned, and Severus drags them both to an empty classroom after class to tell them the semi-truth about the letter and his house. He tells them the significance of Toby, his middle name in the magical world but his first name in the Muggle world, a name he absolutely hates going by because it is his father's, and also tells them that they don't want him home for Christmas.
> 
> On their way to the library, Severus tells Remus he'd like to be friends, and Remus smiles and tells him he'll also be at Hogwarts for Christmas. We jump to a few weeks later, with Christmas at Hogwarts. Because of Remus, it is different than any of the Christmases Severus spent at school in the future-past. They have meals with the rest of the students, and regularly join snowball fights. Nearing the end of break, Remus makes the excuse of feeling ill, and Severus remembers it's the full moon and accepts his sort-of-lame excuse, telling him he'll just be in the library. When students return for the spring term, Severus starts to just relax in the company of friends, and begins to forget about the stress of his time-traveling purpose.
> 
> Ok wow, summaries are hard. This is why I can't write short fanfics!


	6. Shenanigans and Summertime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for this chapter include a bit of child abuse/neglect for Severus, as well as the general self-hate that's pretty much constant in this fic, at least for now. All of that happens after a section break (the asterisks), so I'll summarize the second part in the notes at the end of the chapter, for those of you who would rather not read it. As always, thanks for reading, and thanks to [LifeShouldBeAMusical](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LifeShouldBeAMusical)!

It was April before Severus thought about his future-past again. They were nearing exams, only a few weeks out, and he, Lily, and Remus were sitting on the grounds in the sunshine. They had just finished their History of Magic review, and the vote for a break had been unanimous, anything to recover from the stupor of goblins and their numerous rebellions. Lily was making wildflowers grow in a patch around them, Severus watching in appreciation, when Remus suddenly spoke from his place, lying in the grass.

“James and Sirius are driving me batty.”

The other Gryffindor boys were a bit of a taboo topic, honestly. Severus had always been clear about his dislike for them, and Lily and Remus were irritated enough by their antics to go along with it. Ranting about them was less taboo, though, so Severus responded.

“What’ve they done now?”

“They’re working on a prank. Prank of the Century, apparently, even though they called the bubble one that as well.” He levered himself up to his elbows and looked at Lily and Severus. “You remember the bubbles, where they started raining from the ceiling of the Great Hall?”

Lily nodded. “I thought the magic behind that was quite clever, even if it made my hair stringy for the next week.”

“The spell for that was actually me,” Remus said with a grin.

Severus groaned. “Don’t tell me you’re a part of their stupid club.”

“Eh,” said Remus, making a so-so gesture with his hand before falling back to the grass again. “I’m not usually, but sometimes they talk about a prank for weeks. Weeks, Sev! And I know just the charm to make it happen. You don’t know how frustrating it is, knowing the answer and not saying it.”

“Lily definitely doesn’t,” said Severus with a snort, and Remus started laughing, a warm sound in the sunshine. Lily made an offended noise, but she was smiling too. The fact that her hand was always the first one raised in class was common knowledge, and a source of great humor for her two best friends.

“Anyway,” continued Remus, drawing out the vowels in the word, “They’ve got a new idea for the Prank of the Century. They’ve been talking about it for about a century, anyway. They’re going on and on about making the entire Slytherin house hiss, instead of speak, or something like that. And it’s driving me absolutely bonkers.”

“Why don’t you tell them the answer, then?”

At that, Remus sat up, taking some flowers with him that Lily had grown through his hair. It was quite a sight, and Severus and Lily burst into laughter.

“Because—all right, yes, aren’t I pretty with a flower crown? Because I don’t know it! Alright, get it together, I need your help with this. Stop!” It took a few more minutes and some flower projectiles on Remus’s part for the laughter to subside, and a somewhat thoughtful silence took its place.

Severus was mostly offended. “They’re just doing this to the Slytherins?”

“Well, yes. They’re rather obsessed with pranking Slytherin, actually, the bubble prank was supposed to only be on your side of the room. I told them I didn’t know how to do that.”

Lily spoke up. “Does it have to change their words to hissing, or can we just, I don’t know, make their robes hiss?”

“I think they really just want the Slytherins to stop talking, which is a bit unfair, really.”

“I rather want Potter and Black to stop talking, so I suppose I understand the feeling,” said Severus, but he was getting an idea. A good idea. “Wait.”

Remus turned toward him, and Lily reached forward to take over pulling flowers out of his hair. “What, Sev? Have you got a solution for us? For me? Please, make my suffering stop.”

Severus shook his head a bit at Remus’s dramatics. “Well, not for how to make them hiss, although it might be easier to make something else hiss over their talking, instead of replacing it. But…what if you told them you found the spell, and volunteered to do it? And then it wasn’t really the right spell.”

Remus started to grin, but Lily rolled her eyes. “Really, Sev? We’re pranking the pranksters? Honestly, all you boys are so immature.”

But Severus was on a roll now. “No, listen, Lils. It’s almost the same spell! So it makes the Slytherins hiss, like it’s supposed to, but it also makes the Gryffindors roar!”

“And the Ravenclaws caw! And the Hufflepuffs… wait, what sound do badgers make?”

“They squeak!” said Lily, and then blushed when Severus and Remus looked at her in amusement. “Well, they do! I still think it’s immature, but if you’re going to do it anyway… oh, hush.”

In the end, Severus found the right spell, and Lily figured out a way to make it happen: they’d charm the tables in the Great Hall, so at dinner they would make the correct noise whenever someone spoke. Remus was playing double agent.

The night it was to happen, the three conspirators met outside the Great Hall and walked in together, sitting at the Gryffindor table. 

“Did it work?!” asked Lily in a not-so-quiet whisper, and Remus hushed her hurriedly. 

“Yes, of course it worked, yes, you’re a genius,” he responded much more quietly. Lily blushed and looked down. “They almost caught me, though, didn’t understand why I needed to charm all the tables and not just the Slytherin’s.”

“How’d you convince them?”

“I told them it was to catch Slytherins who were sitting at a different table. That’s probably why they're so excited you’re sitting here. As if I knew how to do that! I suppose you’ll roar with the rest of us.” And indeed, Potter, Black, and Pettigrew were glancing down at them with excited expressions. Severus had put it off as excitement for the prank, but if they simply wanted to see his embarrassment… he was glad he was going to be a witness to theirs instead.

A few minutes into dinner, Potter gave Remus some kind of signal, and he flicked his wand under the table. All of a sudden, sounds across the Great Hall changed drastically. Severus was looking at the other Gryffindors, and watched with great amusement as their faces changed from victorious to confused, glancing around at the noises surrounding them. Potter tried to say something to Black, but it was covered completely by a roar. Black responded, and the same happened. Pettigrew tried to outsmart the spell, yelling loudly, but a louder roar simply emanated from the table in front of him. At this point, Lily, Remus, and Severus were laughing hysterically, and were only egged on by the tiny roars they were creating. When Potter’s eyes widened and he looked down the table at Remus, Remus gave him a thumbs up, and all three laughed even harder. It was the best meal Severus had had at Hogwarts yet.

By the time Dumbledore got around to counteracting the charms (and Severus thought he had probably taken his time, the man loved chaos) the whole of Gryffindor had figured out how to create bigger roars, and a small competition had broken out among the fifth and sixth years. Once they could speak again, the original pranksters came down the table and sat by Remus.

“Wow, Remus, that was a good one!” Potter said, a smile on his face. Wait, a smile? Severus was confused—why wasn’t he angry?

“That’s why you needed to charm all the tables! That’s why! Pete, didn’t I tell you that was suspicious?” Black questioned the small boy at his side, who nodded quickly. “That was well done, Lupin.”

“Actually, the spell was all Severus. And the bit about the tables was Lily,” Remus added, pointing to each of his friends in turn. Severus wanted to glare at him, but knew the other boys would see it. Betrayal!

“Oh, well, then. Well done, Evans. Snape.” Potter had lost some of his smile, but still congratulated them easily enough, before standing back up and pulling Black with him. “We’ll see you later, Remus!”

Severus stared at the back of Potter’s head as he sauntered away. What in the world? Just… what?

He turned to Lily and attempted to convey his confusion with a look, but she was laughing with McDonald next to her, so he turned his confused face on Remus instead.

“What?” Remus said, a huge grin on his face.

Severus just shook his head. He had just had something close to a pleasant encounter with James Potter, and it was because of Remus Lupin. This timeline was messing with his head.

 

* * * * *  
* * * * * 

 

Several weeks later on the train ride home, Severus was sitting with Lily and Remus in their own compartment. But while they were talking about exams and their classes for the next year, Severus was staring out the window and tapping a nervous rhythm on the glass, trying to make a plan for seeing his parents for the first time in almost 7 years. He was trying to remember how he had acted when he was actually 11, what had worked. How to make everything as good as possible. 

“Sev?”

He was shaken out of his reverie and his tapping by Lily’s voice. “What?” he asked, and he cursed his voice for being ever so slightly choked. Luckily, she was too invested in the conversation to notice, although Remus shot him a slightly concerned look, which he ignored.

“I’m saying we should all meet up to get our schoolbooks in Diagon Alley, the week before term starts.”

“But we always went…” Severus cut himself off before he could finish that statement. Lily didn’t know that they had gone to Diagon Alley just the two of them for years. It was a tradition that had lasted longer than any other part of their friendship. Even when she wouldn't look at him in the halls, he could trust that they were friends in the summertime.

“Well yes, I know we went early last year, but that was because we were first years, Sev. We’re going to be second years this time! We should go when everyone else goes. All three of us.”

“Yes, yes, you’re right. That’d be good. Remus?” Severus felt his friend stiffen beside him.

“Umm. The week before school starts? I don’t know if… I mean…”

Severus winced. It must be a full moon—he hadn’t thought to check that far in advance.

“You know what, Lily, I forgot,” he said, trying not to seem to eager to make excuses, “that my Aunt… Pearl’s birthday is that week. We always go visit, and this year’s her 50th, so I really can’t miss it. I’m sorry, you’ll have to go without me.”

He glanced over at Remus, who was chewing on a fingernail but looking at him with a strange expression. Lily seemed not to have noticed anything amiss, though, and shot down his offer for only her and Remus to go immediately, setting up the shopping trip a week earlier. Severus and Remus both relaxed, Remus at the continuation of his secret and Severus at the predictable and lovely nature of his Lily, who would reschedule plans immediately if it meant everyone could be there. They spent the last hour of the train ride in pleasant conversation, although Severus’s fingers never stopped their constant twisting and fidgeting. 

They got off the train, dragging trunks behind them, and stood in a small cluster, searching for their parents. Remus found his first, but when Lily would have gone over and introduced herself, he stuttered out something about being late and hurried over to them alone, and was gone without even a wave in their direction. Severus figured that he owed Lily’s anger for the next few minutes to this abrupt goodbye, and he was a bit curious himself. Was Remus embarrassed by his new friends? Embarrassed by Severus? It was understandable, he supposed. Just as he was sinking into a plan to fix it, Lily began tugging him across the platform toward her parents with one surprisingly strong hand, waving frantically with the other one and leaving him to grab her trunk as he was yanked towards the two beaming adults.

His eyes found Mr. Evans first, as they always did. It was hard to look anywhere else, honestly. Even though the man was short and stocky, with a quickly receding hairline, he practically leaked charisma. Severus had heard him joke on multiple occasions that though he was shorter than his wife, his personality made him taller.

Even now he swept forward and grabbed Lily into a hug, bellowing loud enough to be heard over the chaos, “My beautiful Calla lily! My gorgeous Tiger lily! She has been returned to me, huzzah!” He swung her in several circles, Lily laughing and her hair coming out of its lazy ponytail, before setting her down gently.

“Hi, Dad!” Lily said, almost as loud as him, and Severus was reminded of how noisy the two of them were together. “Hi Mum!!” Lily continued, turning to the woman behind her.

Severus had often wondered why Violet Evans, known as Lettie to everyone but her parents, had married the bombastic man beside her. Was it because she was the middle of 5 children, searching constantly for a spotlight to stand near, if not in? Or did she know that next to a man who lit up a room, she could always hide in his shadow?

Mrs. Evans stepped forward and gathered her daughter in a tight hug, then tsked and smiled as she flicked Lily’s now completely askew ponytail. Lily blushed slightly, and took her hair down, smoothing it as she did so. Her mother smiled wider and turned to Severus.

“Severus, dear, I saw your mother outside in King’s Cross. I suppose she didn’t want to fight her way in here, it’s a madhouse, truly.”

“Nonsense!” broke in Mr. Evans, cuffing Severus on the shoulder hard enough that he almost knocked him over, “This is how it should be. Happiness is noise, and noise is happiness, my buttercup.” He dropped a hand on Severus’s shoulder again and leaned down as if imparting a secret, though half the platform could probably hear him. “We’ll just take you to her, shall we? I bet she’s anxious to see her boy, Lettie’s been a wreck for days.” And with that, he grabbed Lily’s trunk and began guiding their small group to the exit.

Once through, Severus began searching for his mother, anticipation coiling tightly in his gut and around his lungs, making it difficult to draw in a breath. There, there she was, in the corner, looking straight at him. He almost turned to Lily, to point her out, but he watched his mother’s eyes dart between him and the Evans’s and saw her curl in on herself just slightly. And though it had been so many years since he’d seen her, he knew what those movements meant—that she couldn’t deal with Lily and her family today. Severus said a quick goodbye to Lily, promised to come over in a couple of days, and walked over to his mother, giving her a careful hug. The last time he had hugged her, she had felt so much smaller and more fragile. And then four months later she was gone. She was dead. He fought the urge to hold on a bit tighter.

Severus didn’t blame his mother for avoiding the Evans’ perfect family, because sometimes when he was with them he felt the same way. Like he was a puzzle piece being shoved somewhere he didn’t fit, being crammed into a space almost his size but not quite. Better to avoid the puzzle altogether, sometimes, so you didn’t have to fake it. But then again, wasn’t it better to make yourself fit in an almost-right space than be left all alone in the box?

Severus stepped back from his mother and looked up at her greedily. It had been so long since he had seen her, and even longer since she had been taller than him. She was smiling down at him, but there was something missing from the smile.

“What’s wrong, Mum?”

She laughed slightly, and began leading him toward the exit. “You’re always worrying, Toby. I’m fine.” He heard the name ‘Toby’ louder than she said it, felt it echoing inside his brain. He was going to have to get used to it again.

“How was school? Did you like it? I know you and Lily got sorted into two different houses, I’m sorry. She was such a good friend to you.”

Severus felt his two versions of this moment clash jarringly. He could almost hear himself agreeing, lamenting the end of his friendship with Lily. Over some uniform colors and lunch tables? Not this time. Nothing would keep him from staying with Lily.

“She is my friend, Mum. Just because I’m in Sl…” —he quickly remembered his mother’s dislike of using Hogwarts-specific words— “…a different house, we still study together and eat together sometimes.”

“Oh! Well that’s lovely, Toby.” Severus could hear the doubt in her voice, but didn’t push her. After all, he had believed the same thing in his future-past. His mother didn’t have the gift of ultimate foresight.

They drove home almost in silence. This would not have been strange, except that Severus was desperately trying to think of something to say. Right after she had died, he had made lists and lists of things in his head that he wanted to tell her and words he wished he had shared, but now none of them were right.

His mother drove very precisely and carefully, parking the car and adjusting minutely until it was perfect, but it still didn’t take long enough. They were walking into the small, one-story house, and there was Severus’ father sitting in his armchair.

He looked up at Severus and narrowed his eyes, and Severus was thrown into memories like he had accidentally tripped into a Pensieve. His father’s face, red and ugly with anger. The kitchen around them in disarray, plates broken on the floor. A hand gripping his arm, hard.

In the here and now, Tobias Snape the senior stood up and folded his newspaper, looking Severus up and down and grunted, “Tobias. You’re back. Lawn needs mowing.” Then he turned and left the room, leaving it eerily silent and waiting, waiting for something else to happen.

That interaction seemed to set the pace for the rest of the summer. Whenever his father was in a room with him, he would say acknowledge his presence, give him a task, and then leave. This was so uncomfortable that Severus took to being out of the house as much as possible when his father was at home, either at Lily’s or, when he felt too much like a burden on her and her family, just walking around the nearby park. The two months passed just like that, the tedium only relieved by Lily and by the occasional letter from Remus, who at least wasn’t too embarrassed by Severus to write him. 

Sometimes Severus would see his mother sitting somewhere with a vacant stare, and he’d have the sudden urge to pour his heart out to her, to tell her everything. To tell her everything that had happened, that would happen, to save her from… from something. From everything. But his future-past brain trumped his 12-year-old brain, and he stayed silent. He couldn’t do anything for her. Not yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary after the asterisks: Lily, Remus, and Severus take the train home for summer break, and Severus is nervous about seeing his parents again. The three of them make plans to meet in Diagon Alley. Severus makes up a story to reschedule it when he realizes Lily's chosen the week of the full moon, and Remus looks confused by this. When they disembark, Remus sees his parents and runs off, making excuses so they don't meet his friends. We meet Lily's parents. Her father is very charismatic and loud, her mother much more formal, composed, and quiet. The family seems perfect to Severus, even though he feels out of place among them. Severus's mother Eileen is outside the platform in the Muggle area of Kings Cross. They share a hug and some small talk, Eileen lamenting Lily being in a different house and their friendship thus being over. She is very delicate, and references the magical world as little as possible.  
> Once at home, Severus sees his father, Tobias Snape, for the first time in years. He gets a flashback to a violent scene in a kitchen, but in the here and now, Tobias gives Severus a chore and then leaves the room. This is the pattern all summer, with Severus avoiding his house as often as possible, either going to Lily's or to the park. He wants to tell his mother everything, but refrains, thinking he can't help her yet.


	7. Trios and Toilets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, sorry! I thought I posted this on Friday, but apparently not. No specific triggers in this chapter. Severus is a little more clueless than usual, tiny child that he is now. Thanks as ever to my beta, [LifeShouldBeAMusical](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LifeShouldBeAMusical), and happy reading!

A few days into his second year at Hogwarts, Severus sat in Defense Against the Dark Arts. Professor Hawke was standing at the front of the room, lecturing about dark creatures quite vehemently, but Severus wasn’t listening. The only thing he could focus on was the list he had written on the chalkboard behind him. Grindylows, Red Caps, Runespoors, Trolls, Acromantulas… Werewolves. He looked down at the textbook in front of it, Dark Creatures of the Wizarding World, a wolf howling in the background, and remembered buying it with Remus, just a few weeks ago in Diagon Alley. The three of them had each picked up a copy, Severus and Lily telling him about their summer, and Remus had just stared at the book for a moment, before placing it carefully on his stack of textbooks and moving on. Severus had felt a twinge of sympathy—it can’t be easy, being a dark creature, he had thought to himself. To be reminded of what you are all the time.

Now, as Professor Hawke’s words faded into a sort of white noise, Severus glanced over to the Gryffindor side of the room where Remus and Lily both sat. Lily just looked focused, if a bit unnerved by the emotion and anger in the professor’s voice, but Remus was even paler than usual and chewing at a hangnail with some force.

“Now werewolves,” Professor Hawke was saying, “are some of the most fearsome creatures on this list, simply because they are sometimes able to hide their true nature, hide among us.”

A Slytherin, Edward something, raised his hand. “But Professor, aren’t they… y’know… feral?”

Another Slytherin piped up, “Yeah, who can hide in plain sight with that smell?” Laughter erupted from both sides of the aisle.

Professor Hawke was not amused. “While it is true that most werewolves are indeed feral, and therefore are perhaps easier to spot, some can fake humanity long enough to remain unnoticed. Each year, dozens of unregistered werewolves are caught by the Aurors.” The class had grown silent at this information, staring at him, but Severus was once again staring at the board. Fake their humanity? Remus didn’t belong up there, with giant man-eating spiders and snakes. He couldn’t help it. He was…

“Cursed.”

Professor Hawke turned to look at Severus, furrowing his brows. “What did you say, young man? And please, raise your hand.”  
Severus raised his hand and spoke again. “They’re not like all those other creatures, they don’t… they’re cursed. It’s a curse. Sir,” he added belatedly.

Hawke was frowning at him. “There is some pity to be felt for the humans that are bitten, but that pity should be for the human, not for the monster that is created.”

Severus spoke again, raising his hand hurriedly as he did. “But it’s just once a--“

“It does not matter!” interrupted the professor, close to yelling now, and Severus could see that this had gotten out of hand. “They will kill you any time, anywhere, we must control them first, we must kill…” he trailed off, perhaps realizing he was in a room of 12-year-olds.

“But they’re people!” exclaimed a voice behind Severus. He didn’t turn to see who had said it, still staring at the professor almost unbelievingly. He was advocating killing werewolves, any time of the month? He glanced at Remus again, and saw the other boy staring at him. He met his eyes, and Remus’s stare widened. Severus shot his friend a half-smile, hoping to send some sort of reassurance, and looked back toward the front of the room, thinking rapidly for the rest of the class.

It wasn’t until he was walking out that he realized he wasn’t supposed to know that Remus was a werewolf. His brisk walk faltered slightly, then resumed as he immediately started forming a plan: how to not let Remus know that you know. He heard Remus and Lily come up behind them, and slowed slightly so they could walk to dinner together. Ok, step one, the only step, of the plan. He had to find an alternate reason for his slight outburst during class. 

"I cannot believe that professor!" Lily said beside him. It was the first thing any of them had said since leaving the classroom, and Severus thought she had probably said it more to fill the silence than for any other reason. Remus hummed in agreement next to him, but when he spoke, his voice sounded just a little quieter than usual. It sounded like it had at the beginning of last year, when he was asking Severus to sit with him, when he hadn't known if they were friends. "He certainly seemed to... feel strongly." Aha, thought Severus. Here was an alternate reason, right here. 

"Well that's why I got so mad," started Severus, warming to his point as he spoke. "Teachers shouldn't act like that, they shouldn't let their feelings get in the way of learning. If I don't get the plain facts, what's the point of class at all?" He looked at Remus, who had an inscrutable expression on his face. Relieved, tired, and something else. Angry? That couldn't be it.

They walked into the Great Hall and all headed to the Gryffindor table. Somewhere outside the moment, Severus reflected that it had been automatic, no hesitation. They sat down and Severus dug in to the shepherd’s pie in front of him, moving calmly but quickly. He froze as a pair of voices came closer to them.

“I dunno, mate, Flitwick’s pretty crafty, maybe we should wait until History of Magic.”

“With Binns? That’s not even a challenge, though. We’re working toward greatness, here! We can’t just do the easy stuff.” Potter and Black slid themselves onto the bench next to Remus, Pettigrew across from them. 

“We could do it in Transfiguration!” the smaller boy piped up.

Black sniggered. “And what, Pete, get our heads chopped up by McGonagall? You’re batty, she’s a hundred times worse than Flitwick. Plus, I think she still holds it against me for when I lost 50 house points at once last year.”

“You did give those Slytherins dog tails, though. Maybe she took personal offense?” Remus offered, and Severus looked at him in amazement. Why was he getting involved?

“Why would she take offense to dog tails?” Pettigrew asked, tilting his head to the side in such a comedic way that Severus almost laughed along with the other boys.

“Because—“ Potter managed through his laughter, “—because she’s a cat, Pete. Oh, I didn’t even think of that! Remember the look she gave you?” 

He fell sideways into Black, continuing to laugh, and Remus put his face in his hands as a look of understanding hit Pettigrew’s face. Severus looked at Lily across from him and rolled his eyes, and she gave him a small conspiratorial smile. Well, at least one of his friends knew they were annoying and not to be friendly with.

Much to Severus’s disappointment, the terrible trio continued to sit with them over the next few days, always talking about mischief and pranking.

“Why do you hate them so much?!” Remus asked him in the library a few weeks later, and Severus was surprised at how close he was to yelling. Severus had told him that he wanted them to stop sitting together, wanted he and Lily and Remus not to talk to them anymore. He had not been prepared to justify it, though in retrospect, perhaps he should have been.

“They’re just… they do stupid things, and they think they’re so funny, and they just…” he faltered. How could he explain that he didn’t want his friends talking to future murderers, to the people that had doomed them?

“Of course they’re like that, Sev, they’re twelve year old boys,” Lily said, holding her hands out in a placating gesture and looking between her two best friends with some anxiety.

“Exactly!” Severus said, pointing at her.

“You’re a twelve-year old boy too!” she threw at him, no longer placating.

“No, I’m— “ Severus forced his words back and changed them. “I’m not like them! Neither are you,” he added to Remus, but Remus had stood up.

“You know,” he said, in a whisper that was somehow sad and emotionless at the same time, “you don’t have to sit with us, if you don’t want to.” Then he was gone, walking out the doors of the library.

“Oh, Sev,” said Lily, and Severus turned to look at her. “He’s not replacing you, or anything like that, he’s just—“

Severus scoffed and stood up himself, grabbing his bookbag and shoveling things into it, wishing he could leave as dramatically as Remus had. “It’s not about that, Lily, I just don’t like them. I thought you understood that.”

He didn’t look back as he left, didn’t see the redhead, normally larger than life, shrink a little more into her seat as she looked at the now-empty table and began to gather her things.

The next morning, he walked into the Great Hall for breakfast and his feet turned toward the Gryffindor table. He looked at Remus, laughing at something Potter had said, and itched to join him. But then Lily glanced his way, and he saw the sad look on her face. He had made her sad, when the whole point of even being here, of even being alive in the first place was to not make her sad, was to keep her away from the people she was sitting with right now.

Unable to be any closer to the proof of his failure, he turned away and walked toward the Slytherin table, sliding into an empty space near, but not next to, the other second years boys, Mulciber and Avery. He pulled out his History of Magic textbook and started reading about the Centaur Riots that they had been covering, and told himself not to look behind him.

He spent lunch the same way, and all of his classes that day were with either the Ravenclaws or the Hufflepuffs. This was working, this could work. He’d stay away from them, and Remus would realize that Severus was right, and then the three of them would be friends again. But—Severus paused as he was taking out his quill in Charms—Lily might blame him, for not being the bigger person. She was always telling him that in the future-past. ‘Potter and Black are just being juvenile, Sev. Be the bigger person.’ 

He couldn’t be the bigger person and give Remus the silent treatment. But he couldn’t just go back and give in, let them keep spending time with Potter and with Black. That was against every plan he had ever made.

Walking into dinner, he glanced toward the Gryffindor table as subtly as he could and felt his throat tighten with fear. Lily wasn’t looking at him this time. Instead, she was looking at Potter, and almost smiling. As Severus’s feet carried him toward the Slytherin table at the other side of the room, he realized something. He could give in, and let them sit next to the troublemakers and future murderers. Or, he could stay over here at Slytherin, and they would forget about him and sit with them anyway. And then he wouldn’t be there to stop anything.

Faced with his new conundrum, he sat staring at his plate and forgot to bring out a book to repel too-friendly students. If there were any of those in Slytherin. He was lost enough in thought that when someone tapped him on the shoulder, he yelped quietly. Ignoring the snickers his noise had caused, he turned and saw Lily standing behind him. He was filled with affection for the redhead. She had always been able to take the first step in arguments like this. She tapped him on the shoulder again, pushing him slightly, and he understood, sliding sideways to make room for her on the bench. Then she looked at the people around him expectantly, and he realized the mistake he had made, letting her sit down. He should have convinced her to leave the hall, or gone back with her to Gryffindor. Anything but the situation he now found himself in. Lily was still looking between Severus and the third years across from them. Severus thought one of them might be named John. Or was it Jack?

“Sev? Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friends?” Lily gestured to John-maybe-Jack and the two boys around him. Any hope Severus had of escaping unscathed disappeared as they looked up at the Gryffindor in front of them, and one of them let out a huge laugh before raising his eyebrows at his friends and going back to their conversation. Dismissing Severus completely. He felt blood rush to his face, and he fumbled for his bookbag under the bench, almost falling over it in his haste to escape. He shook his hair slightly so it would hide him from view and hurried from the room, ignoring Lily calling his name behind him.

He was huddled in the boy’s bathroom on the third floor, trying to calm his breathing, when he heard the door open. He checked his watch—20 minutes until dinner was over, no one should be here now. The first floor bathrooms were much closer.

“Severus?”

He jolted at his name and debated quickly whether he could disillusion himself quickly enough—he hadn’t done advanced magic very much since getting here, afraid that he would forget and blow his cover. As he was raising his wand, determined to try, Remus rounded the corner. Severus could see him calculating, looking at his raised wand and blotchy eyes from definitely not crying. This was the second time Remus had found him like this.

Remus took a step toward him but then seemed to rethink it and stayed where he was.

“Lily came back and said you had left dinner, so I wanted to make sure you were okay.” He seemed to be waiting for Severus to say something, which would have struck Severus as funny if he was not feeling quite so numb—surely anyone who knew him wouldn’t hold their breath waiting for him to speak.

Remus tried again. “I didn’t know where to come looking for you, but James and Sirius…” he paused, as if uncertain that he should mention them, but plunged ahead, “suggested I try in here. Which seems rather coincidental, now that I’ve found you here.” He paused again, and looked to Severus again.

“Why did you listen to them?” Severus asked finally, hating how small his voice sounded. He couldn’t wait for puberty to hit him again, so his voice didn’t showcase his emotions so much.

Remus exhaled in relief, and came to sit down next to him, a 4-foot stretch of wall between them.

“If you mean about the bathroom, I’m not really sure. Sometimes they say things with such confidence that they just sound right. It’s a little bizarre, though, isn’t it? We’ll have to figure out how they knew, just in case they’re planning something stupid. If… if you mean why do I listen to them, in general—“ 

“I meant about the bathroom,” interjected Severus, trying to quickly stop this conversation from turning into another argument about Potter and Black. And Pettigrew, he added as an afterthought. A small pang of sympathy went through him for Pettigrew, who must constantly be an afterthought with friends like that.

But Remus would not be so easily dissuaded. “I have to listen to them most of the time, you know. They’re my dormmates, and I have all my classes with them, and…” he trailed off, but Severus wasn’t going to fill the silence this time.

“…and they’re so confident, Sev, you have no idea. You said I wasn’t like them, but I want to be, sometimes.” He ended much quieter than he had started.

Well, and this, Severus could help. Maybe he couldn’t be friends with Remus and Lily again, maybe they’d end up friends with Potter and Black. Maybe he had failed. But this, he could fix.

“They’re not confident for any of the right reasons, Remus.” When the boy looked at him doubtfully, he tried again. How to explain this? “They’re confident, or they seem confident, because they don’t know any better. They think that stuff like pulling pranks and being loud is stuff to be proud of, and they’re good at that, so they act like they’re the best wizard since Merlin.” How wonderful, to be able to rant about the two of them. He had already alienated Remus, and so there was no more need for caution. He could say as much as he wanted, and Merlin, there was so much to say.

“But that’s not important! In five or ten years, no one will care that you can make the Slytherins hiss like snakes, not that they could do that anyway,” he was pleased to see Remus snigger, “they’ll care about how much you _learned _, or about how polite or respectful you can be, or… or your ideas! They won’t care about Potter or Black.” And here it was, what he really wanted to say to the boy beside him who seemed to envy Black and Potter, when he was in every way superior. “They’ll care about _you _, Remus. You just have to be proud of what you’re good at.”____

____Remus was staring at him, and Severus was suddenly very aware of just how much he had said. He felt himself starting to turn red. This wasn’t him, giving emboldened speeches in bathrooms. Merlin, why did he ever open his mouth?_ _ _ _

____“Thanks,” Remus managed, and Severus nodded stiffly and started to stand up, ready to be out of this bloody bathroom and conversation. But Remus stood up next to him, and when Severus shot him a confused look, he only squared his shoulders._ _ _ _

____“You didn’t sit with us at breakfast or at lunch,” he started, and Severus immediately wanted to curl in on himself again. He didn’t want to talk about this, didn’t want the invitation to sit with the Gryffindors to be formally revoked. If he just stopped on his own, he had some semblance of control. He could pretend, if only to himself, that he had voluntarily gone back to the friendlessness that he numbly remembered from the future-past, rather than being dumped back into it._ _ _ _

____“Lily said you were mad, and you just wanted to sit with your Slytherin friends, but then she went over to mend fences, you know, and she was mad when she came back.”_ _ _ _

____“Lily was mad?” Why would Lily be mad? Severus couldn’t quite decide if that was better or worse than her being sad._ _ _ _

____“Yeah, she thought you didn’t want to introduce her to your friends, like you were… ashamed of her, or something. I told her you weren’t like that, you weren’t like the other Slytherins.” At that a rush of shame went through Severus, as he remembered the events of his future-past fifth year. He was just like the other Slytherins._ _ _ _

____“I don’t have any other friends, except you and Lily.” Remus was looking at the bathroom tile, one hand picking at the other._ _ _ _

____Severus looked at him in surprise. Not because he didn’t believe him—the fact is, that he did, although he wondered why he had never realized it before. He was surprised that Remus had admitted it. Wasn’t it something bad? Why would he tell Severus? Was it just because he assumed Severus was the same? Well, he was, and now they knew it._ _ _ _

____“That’s why I’m trying to make friends with James and Sirius and Peter.” Remus said, like this explained everything. And Severus supposed that it did._ _ _ _

____“I thought that if we made friends with them, then—“_ _ _ _

____“We?” Severus blurted without thinking. Merlin, why did he keep asking questions, prolonging this? He just knew his eyes were still red and his robes a mess._ _ _ _

____Remus laughed a little, but stopped when he saw Severus’s face. “Sev, do you think I could stand those three—well, two, Peter’s not so bad by himself—if you weren’t there too, and Lily? Who would I roll my eyes with?” he joked, although he looked a little self-conscious._ _ _ _

____Severus just stood there, plans running through his head and then being discarded. Remus wanted them all to be friends with Black and Potter, even though he didn’t really like them either? If Severus said no, then he ended up without Remus and Lily, but if he said yes, then he had to deal with Potter and Black for who knows how long, and Remus was just looking at him now, with a look that made Severus want to reassure him, somehow, and Severus didn’t know how to do that. But now Remus was walking away, out of the bathroom, and Severus could almost see his new life, his second chance, walking away with him, and he didn’t think, he didn’t plan, he just took a step forward._ _ _ _

____“Wait for me,” he said, very quietly, and then hurried to walk side by side with his best friend._ _ _ _

____They walked toward the library without really discussing it, and the whole way there, Severus was resigning himself to having to revise all his plans. Step one: remain friends with Lily. Check. Step two: keep Lily away from Remus. Failed. Step three: keep Lily away from literally everyone that was going to doom her, to get her killed. Hugely failed. Catastrophically failed. Just such a failure, he was such a f—_ _ _ _

____“You know, all that stuff that you said mattered?”_ _ _ _

____Severus looked over at the other boy. “…yes?”_ _ _ _

____“James and Sirius, they are that stuff. Sort of. They’re really smart, they just use it for all the wrong things. And they respect who they want to respect, which is pretty much just Peeves and Dumbledore, that’s a whole other issue… and they have ideas, they’re just. Stupid.”_ _ _ _

____Severus wasn’t quite used to people really listening to his speeches, almost as much as he was unused to giving speeches in the first place, so it took a while to get past his amazement and parse what Remus was saying._ _ _ _

____“You just told me that they’re none of those things, except…”_ _ _ _

____“The parts they want to be? Yeah, basically. So maybe we just need to make improvements,” finished Remus, and shot Severus a conniving sort of smile._ _ _ _

____Step four: make the people that were going to doom Lily into better people. That… that could work. Severus was thinking through possible improvements when they heard Lily calling for them, and slowed to let her catch up._ _ _ _

____“What are you two talking about?” she asked, and Severus winced at the slight wariness in her voice. He did not want to have the bathroom conversation in the hallway. Luckily, it seemed like Remus had the same idea._ _ _ _

____“How to improve James, Sirius, and Peter.”_ _ _ _

____“Ooh!” Lily pursed her lips in thought. “Maybe we can take all their mirrors away. That ought to help.” Severus laughed._ _ _ _

____“Let’s make them stop victimizing Slytherins so much. It’s just obvious, and that’s boring,” Remus added, and the three friends were a group once more, walking into the library together._ _ _ _


	8. Suspicions and Slytherins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your basic bullying and self-hate triggers. An eensy bit of violence, as much as some jerkwad fourth years can muster, anyway. Yes, I'm technically posting this on a Saturday in my time zone, but let's just pretend I'm on schedule, shall we? I'm also caught up to the chapter I'm writing, so hopefully I can get some stuff done on my trip this weekend. Because I left this until late, my normal beta didn't have time to check it, so thank you to my emergency beta [kitkatkatie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitkatkatie)! Happy reading!

Since the incident in the Great Hall, every time Severus was alone with Lily she would press him about making friends in Slytherin. Severus knew she was just worried about him, and he appreciated that, but how could he explain to her that everyone in Slytherin was going to be a Death Eater? That he might be a Death Eater? He had tried just telling her he didn’t like them, but Lily vehemently did not believe in judging a book by its cover. Her mantra was ‘Try to get to know them, Severus!’ which was not only annoying, but rather pointless. He did know them, after all, even if it had been in the future-past. They wouldn’t be different, and he didn’t much fancy doing it again since it had been perfectly horrid the last time.

So when he saw her coming to sit by him in the courtyard, he had to fight the urge to run. Running from Lily had never ended well—she was liable to either chase him or yell after him, and neither was better than just sitting still.

“Hey, Sev,” she said as she neared him, “can we go somewhere to talk about something?” she was a little out of breath, and her normally very neat hair was rather mussed on the top, like she had slept on it without fixing it. Her hand was anxiously tapping on a book in her arms, and reading the title upside down, he saw that it was their DADA textbook.

Maybe this wasn’t about him and his nonexistent friends then, maybe it was about school. Or Professor Hawke. He stood up and led the way around the corner, to a tree on the side of the castle that wasn’t very shaded and thus wasn’t very popular. They settled underneath it, and Severus looked at Lily expectantly, but she just kept tapping on the book nervously, seeming to look everywhere but at him.

Severus was slightly at a loss as to how to deal with Lily when she wasn’t talking. He, after all, was usually the quiet one. How did people deal with him? Lily would be blunt, Remus would be patient, and… well, that was both of the people who dealt with him. Bluntness wasn’t his strong suit, and he was afraid to be patient in case Lily exploded from whatever she needed to tell him. A middle ground, then. He reached forward and tugged the book from her grasp, hoping to still her hands long enough for her to move her mouth instead, but when he set it in his lap he saw a piece of parchment sticking out of it. That wasn’t very Lily-like at all. It didn’t even look to be color-coded. He tugged it out and saw a list of… of symptoms, it looked like. Then he looked at the heading, the word that stood out among the rest. Werewolf. 

He felt his brain begin to work very fast, though it wasn’t really forming thoughts. He mashed the facts together in different ways, trying to find a solution. Lily was about to tell him that Remus was a werewolf, she had to be. He couldn’t lie to her—he’d lose her, she’d be gone, and she still wouldn’t give up. Lily never gave up, except on him. He couldn’t tell her the truth, though. It was too dangerous to know, to be more involved than they already were. Third option, then. Don’t lie to her, but don’t tell her the truth. Act like you’ve been acting, like you have no idea.

Severus set his shoulders, decided, and looked up at Lily, who was anxiously tapping the air now that the book was gone from her arms.

“What’s this, Lily?”

Finally, she sat down, breathing out rather shakily, and took the book back from him, flipping to the chapter on werewolves.

“I was reading ahead, looking at all the creatures that Professor Hawke listed before, on the board, and I got to werewolves, and I was reading…” she trailed off, and Severus willed his face to be blank, to not at all understand what she was saying.

“I was reading,” she started again, “about how to recognize a werewolf outside of the full moon. The warning signs. And they reminded me of, of Remus.” She was looking at him warily, as if waiting for him to explode. In the future-past, perhaps he would have. But he couldn’t encourage her in this. He had to be… dismissive, as hard as it was to do that to Lily.

“Remus? What do you mean? You think he’s a— a werewolf?” His voice sped up a bit at the end, and he took a breath, forcing it back to normality. “Lily, that’s ridiculous.”

Lily leaned away from him as if he had insulted her. He supposed he had. “But he—“

“He’s not a monster, Lily! Werewolves are vicious, they’re _evil_.” He voiced a silent apology to Remus in his head, but he couldn’t let Lily talk her way through this. She’d only convince herself. It made too much sense. He saw her set her chin, and knew he had to get out of there. “Listen, I don’t have time for this, I’m sorry. I have to go finalize my Charms essay before class. I’ll see you later, okay?” She called his name after him, but he kept walking, not stopping until he was back in the dungeons. He made sure he was almost late for charms, so she couldn’t corner him outside the classroom before she went to History of Magic. He wanted to skip dinner, or eat at the Slytherin table, but that would just make Lily suspicious.

Plus, he really did hate sitting with the Slytherins.

So he walked into the Great Hall and sat down at the Gryffindor table with Remus and Lily like normal, flashing them a smile before pulling the mashed potatoes toward himself.

“So, Remus, how’re you feeling? Sick, or anything? Think you’ll need to go to Madame Pomfrey this weekend?”

Severus choking on his potatoes was only barely covered by Remus choking on _his_ potatoes. Both boys turned to Lily, who was smiling nonchalantly and looking at Remus in expectation.

“Uhm,” he offered, which Severus thought was a bit weak for someone who’d been hiding his lycanthropy for years. 

“I just noticed that you’re sick pretty often, so I thought I’d ask. Y’know, if you’re feeling sick already, we can get your assignments done for next Monday before you feel any worse.” Lily said this as if it was perfectly normal. Severus supposed from an outside perspective that it was, but they were skirting dangerous territory, and it didn’t look like Lily would be backing down anytime soon. He had come into this too late. She was already sure, secure in the fact that she had to be right. Severus had felt the same way when he’d figured out something was off, in the future-past.

Lily opened her mouth to continue, and Severus hurriedly kicked her under the table. She looked at him in irritation, and looked ready to demand the truth, audience be damned.

“Remus! My savior!” Potter fell into a seat, clutching Remus’ arm and almost falling into his lap as Black and Pettigrew roared with laughter behind him. “Remus, please help me, Slughorn assigned this horrible essay and it’s supposed to be three feet. Three! I barely have one! Listen, what do these ingredients…”

Severus had never been so glad to see Potter in his life, and that included when he had saved him from Remus Lupin, Werewolf. Remus turned to look at his dormmates, and Severus mouthed ‘later’ at Lily. She narrowed her eyes, but nodded once and went back to eating.

The rest of the meal set itself up to be torture, as Severus was trying to come up with a good alternate plan and failing. But soon, he got drawn into the talks about the Potions essay against his will. (‘James, ask Sev, won’t you? He’s the Potions prodigy. Gah, let me eat my dinner, you heathens!’) Before he knew it, dinner was over, and as they walked out of the Great Hall, Lily pulled Severus away from the other Gryffindors and around to a secluded classroom.

“I was right, wasn’t I?!” she demanded. Lily was not one to ease into a discussion, half of Severus’s brain mused, as the other half tried not to run in fear from her intense expression.

“Yes,” he started, about to explain, but Lily was off again.

“I cannot _believe_ you two! I thought we were all best mates, but here you are keeping secrets from me, a total boys club! Like I couldn’t handle it, like I couldn’t help…” here she paused, perhaps trying to come up with a way she could have helped. 

Severus jumped at the break in words. “It’s not a secret!”

Lily scoffed at him, and he rephrased. “I mean, it’s not a secret the two of us have. Well, it is, but it’s—“ He took a hurried breath and tried again. “He didn’t tell me. He doesn’t know that I know.”

Severus took a moment to appreciate that he had surprised Lily Evans into forgetting her side of an argument, if only for a moment.

“You said it was ridiculous, Sev. You basically called me stupid.” she said this last part more softly, and Severus cursed in his mind. He had known that would come back to bite him. “Why?”

Severus didn’t have a plan for this. So he went with the truth. “It’s dangerous, Lily.”

“Remus isn’t _dangerous_.” Lily stated it as a fact. She had never questioned that, and it made Severus a bit sick to think of the years he had thought that he was.

“I know. But people hate werewolves. You heard Professor Hawke, and he’s an adult. A professor. If people found out what Remus is…” he trailed off, partially because he didn’t want to scare Lily. But partially because he’d never truly thought about it himself. If people found out about Remus, his life would be ruined. Would be over. Severus couldn’t help but compare it to the Dark Mark, something that had happened to him, that had forever changed how everyone saw him. That had ruined his life and had ended Lily’s.

“We’re not going to do anything to hurt him, though.” Lily’s voice was softer, sadder. They weren’t fighting anymore, not really. “We should tell him we know, so we can help.”

“If he hasn’t told us, it’s for a good reason. Maybe Dumbledore made him keep it a secret. Or maybe he doesn’t want to make us deal with it too.”

“Maybe.” Lily stopped, winding a lock of her hair around one finger tightly. “ Are we just waiting for him to tell us, then?” 

“That’s what I was going to do. Wait until he feels more comfortable. I don’t want him to have to talk to us about it before he wants to.” He met Lily’s eyes and felt a little self-conscious about how understanding she looked. This was about Remus, it was. At least Lily seemed resigned to following his lead on this one, now. Severus relaxed a little.

“I’m sorry about this morning, but I thought maybe if I talked you out of it, you wouldn’t have to worry about it.” Severus turned and opened the classroom door for Lily to walk out ahead of him.

She turned once she was in the hallway and laughed lightly, although her eyes were still a little bit sad. “You should know that you can’t talk me out of stuff, Sev. Or keep me from worrying.”

“I guess so.” he smiled at her as they walked toward the library, where hopefully Remus hadn’t been waiting for too long.

“Just… don’t do it again, okay? I understand why. I don’t like you worrying about things either. But when you notice something, I tell you.” 

Severus looked up at her, brow furrowed. What was she not telling him? What was he not noticing?

Lily took a breath and changed the topic, adopting a cheerier tone as they neared the library. “I still think we should do something for Remus, you know.”

Severus once again held open the door for her to go first. “I bring him chocolates in the Hospital Wing. He doesn't know it’s me, obviously, but…”

“He loves chocolate. That’s a really good idea, Severus.”

“Chocolate? What about chocolate?” Remus appeared beside them, walking the last few yards to their usual table. His friends burst into laughter.

After his talk with Lily, Severus was relieved. He thought that now everything could go back to normal. 

But it didn’t. Lily, by far the bluntest of the three and often known for spitting out truths that were just pushing to get out, was having a hard time. Every time Professor Hawke said something about dark creatures, she’d glance at Remus before looking away. Every time someone mentioned Remus’ time in the Hospital Wing, she started fiddling with her hair. 

The last straw was one day at lunch, when Pettigrew was eating faster than usual. He needed to hurry and eat something before McGonagall murdered him during Transfiguration, he informed the table with a very full mouth.

“Jeez, Peter, don’t wolf down your food like that. You’ll puke all over McGonagall’s shoes, or something, and then she’ll expel you.” Pettigrew indeed looked a bit green at Sirius’s words, but Severus was looking at Lily in exasperation. At the word ‘wolf’, she had jumped violently enough to overturn her pumpkin juice. Remus, laughing at Pettigrew’s face, didn’t notice the cause of her clumsiness, though he certainly noticed the juice all over his pudding. But Severus had seen it all. How could it be that Lily was the only person worse at keeping this secret than the one _with _the secret?__

__“Calm down!” he hissed at her, and she nodded miserably, vanishing the mess carefully and taking half of Remus’ lunch with it._ _

__After the Pumpkin Juice Debacle, Lily seemed to take a new strategy. Namely, that she couldn’t tell Remus they knew he was a werewolf if she didn’t speak to Remus as much. Lily thought this plan was the best she could come up with under the circumstances. Severus thought this plan was an extremely short-term solution._ _

__Remus thought there was something wrong._ _

__There came to be a kind of cycle. Lily would avoid Remus, and by extension Severus, for longer than usual. Remus would ask Severus, and then Lily, what was wrong. Severus would deflect masterfully, Lily awkwardly. Remus would get upset. Lily would apologize, and things would calm down again. Rinse, repeat._ _

__After a few iterations of this, Severus took to spending a few more of his evenings a week in the Slytherin common room, rather than the library where an increasingly neurotic Lily was trying not to mention anything moon-related at all. The problems with this were myriad, of course, one of the largest being that if Lily spilled the beans, Severus wouldn’t be there to do damage control. Not that he would help all that much. The other problem was that he really hadn’t spent that much time in the Slytherin Common Room in this version of events. He didn’t know all of the politics._ _

__And so it was a day a few weeks before Christmas Break that Severus was sitting in a chair far from the popular spots by the fire, rereading the Herbology essay due the next day to make sure it wasn’t too advanced._ _

__“Hey! Snape!”_ _

__Severus glanced up at the person who had called him. Severus remembered Myra Farrington and her brother, Myron, from the future-past. Small-time bullies, mean enough to join the Dark Lord but nowhere near where Severus had been. Killed only a few years out of Hogwarts, he vaguely remembered. They were fourth years now, although Myron was already as big as some of the fifth or sixth years._ _

__“Yes?” he answered, with a fair bit of trepidation. He could beat them in a duel, no problem, but that would only cause more trouble and a lot more questions. Better to just cede to their power._ _

__“You’re at our table, Snape.”_ _

__This struck Severus as completely unfair, and that emotion in itself threw him for a loop. In his first second year, and Severus tried not to dwell on that phrase, he would have moved immediately, no issue. He wouldn’t have had the thought ‘This table doesn’t belong to you’. And he certainly wouldn’t have wanted to stand up to them. Bloody hell, he wouldn’t have stood up to them 3 years ago, as a full adult. It was easier to just let life happen to you, he had discovered._ _

__“Is something wrong with those saucers you call ears, Snape?” Myra was closer now, leaning close to his face. “Move.”_ _

__This struck Severus as funny, for some reason. As he began to chuckle, several parts of his brain were working on different thoughts. The main part was wondering why in the world Myra Farrington had decided Severus’ ears were the things to insult him about. Many parts of his body were oddly sized and shaped, that was for sure, but his ears were honestly quite normal. Another large part of his brain was telling him that laughing at this girl was a bad idea, even if she didn’t know why. Especially if she didn’t know why._ _

__Sadly, only a very small part of his brain saw Myron draw back his arm and punch Severus squarely in the face. He felt himself tip out of his chair as if in slow motion, and then he hit the stone floor with a heavy _thunk _He felt one, two kicks to his stomach, and he curled up in a ball, just waiting for it to be over, but no more came. After maybe 10 seconds, the buzzing in his ears subsided, and he heard a new and angrier voice.___ _

____“—second year, for Merlin’s sake. He’s what, sitting at a chair at a table in his own Common Room? Grow up!”_ _ _ _

____Myra took a step toward Severus’s savior. It seemed to be her favorite intimidation tactic. “No one asked you, did they, Mudblood?”_ _ _ _

____The savior laughed in Myra’s face. “Honestly, Farrington. I’m a half-blood. Did you not learn how to count from all those fancy pureblood tutors? Go find another place to _study _,” she put a sarcastic stress on the word, “before I decide to take any more points.”___ _ _ _

______Myra scoffed and turned away, leading her small group away and revealing the crowd that had gathered around them. A circle of future Death Eaters, staring down at Severus. Was this what he was headed into?_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Hey. It’s Severus, right?” Emma Vanity, because that was her name, stood in front of him, hand out. When he hesitated to take it, she turned her head to the crowd, keeping her hand toward him. “Alright, everybody, show’s over. Go away.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Severus took the hand and Emma pulled him up to a standing position and then pushed him gently back into the contentious chair._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I’m Emma.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I know,” said Severus, startled into rudeness and not truly paying attention to her. Most of the occupants of the Common Room had gone back to their activities, but two first years were still standing there. It was as odd as it had been at the Sorting to see 11-year-old versions of Barty Crouch Jr. and Regulus Black again. They stood there now, smirking at him. Emma, still standing in front of him, turned to follow his stare. She must have made a convincingly murderous facial expression, because the two boys quickly turned and walked toward their dormitory._ _ _ _ _ _

______Severus blinked and turned his attention back to the girl in front of him. He remembered Emma from the future-past, of course. Star of the Quidditch team her whole Hogwarts career, fifth year prefect and Head Girl, although not for another two years. They’d never really spoken before._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Thank you,” Severus said, and he meant it, though his voice sounded rather emotionless and flat._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I don’t suffer bullies well,” said Emma lightly, and Severus could only nod. “Listen, I think it’s time I welcomed you to the club.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“The club?” Severus questioned. His eye was starting to hurt, now, and he lifted a hand to it gingerly._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Oh, here, let me see what I can do about that. You should really go to Madame Pomfrey, of course.” At Severus’s headshake and panicked look, she sighed. “I tried. We Slytherins are a proud lot. Anyway, the club.” She raised her wand to Severus’s face and muttered a few incantations, only some of which he recognized. “I’m a Halfblood, as I’m sure you heard just then. I make it my business to know every other Halfblood in Slytherin.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______How had Severus not heard about this the first time? It couldn’t be new to this timeline, because he had never talked to Emma before._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Some of them don’t want my help, which is fine. It’s up to them. But my Quidditch talent and Prefect badge both come with some immunity and popularity, even though that’s utter rubbish. And I’m inclined to share that immunity with the other ‘lesser-bloods’ in this House.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Severus just stared at her. Immunity. Here was another option. Maybe he didn’t have to be in the middle of a circle of jeering Death Eaters. At least, not alone._ _ _ _ _ _


	9. Confessions and Changes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only triggers are for the aftermath of last week's violence. Other than that, happy reading, and thanks to [LifeShouldBeAMusical](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LifeShouldBeAMusical)! Welcome to Emotional Talks, the Chapter.

Severus walked into the Great Hall the next day in a rather good mood, to be quite honest. So it was a bit surprising when a blur of red sprinted to him and almost knocked him over. Severus managed to keep his footing, and drew back to look at Lily, confused. She was not the bowl-you-over type, not normally. Especially since he had seen her yesterday.

“Sev, what happened to your face?!”

Oh. There was that, Severus supposed. He hadn’t looked in the mirror this morning. He never looked in the mirror, really. But his eye and jaw certainly hurt enough that they were probably bruised. How to reassure Lily, without lying to her? She could always tell when he was lying. “Lily, I’m fine, it was just some bullies in Slytherin.”

“We can’t let them get away with that!” Lily tightened her grip on Severus’s arms, and he sent Remus a ‘help me’ look over her shoulder as he walked up to them.

“Lils, you’re blocking the door,” he said, and Lily quickly let go of Severus, looking sheepish. Severus smiled at her, relieved, and tried to walk toward the Gryffindor table, but found his arm now gripped by Remus instead. “You need to go to Madame Pomfrey, Sev.”

Severus shook his head perhaps a bit too wildly, and had to take a calming breath before he could reply. “No, I’m fine, really, it looks worse than it is.”

“It looks bad, though!” Lily chimed in, and took hold of his other arm again. 

Severus found himself being led out of the Great Hall by his two best mates. He didn’t want to cause a scene, so he let it happen, no matter how ridiculous they were being. But as soon as they turned a corner, he tried to wrest his arms free. “Guys, I’m _fine_. It’s nothing, I’ve had worse, and it’s...”

That was apparently the wrong thing to say, because both Lily and Remus turned and looked at him. Lily with incredulousness, Remus with concern. Severus tried to change the subject. “But Emma talked to me after, and she said that—“

“Who’s Emma?”

“After _what_?”

Remus and Lily had spoken at the same time, and Lily’s question was safer, so he answered her first. “Emma Vanity, she’s a fifth year. A prefect, actually,” and here Severus paused, knowing that this would automatically give her points with Lily, “and she said that since she’s a half-blood too, she’ll…” and here Severus paused. If he told them that she promised to look out for him, they’d be concerned. They’d want to protect him. But if he just said she wanted to be friends, well that was a little suspicious, wasn’t it? There was nothing for it. He’d just have to describe the atmosphere in Slytherin a little differently than it was, so they wouldn’t overreact.

“She said she’d protect me. And the other Halfbloods and lesser-bloods, too. It’s sort of a club, I guess.”

“She’ll _protect_ you? From what?” Lily asked, as he had known she would.

“From the other people in Slytherin, from the Purebloods. It’s just not a very accepting House, I suppose.” This was a bit of an understatement, and from Remus and Lily’s expressions, they probably knew it.

Remus spoke up again. “What do they do? I mean, I’ve run into some nasty Slytherins, although there are nasty people in all Houses,” he added, perhaps as a peace-keeping gesture, “but they mostly just use tripping jinxes or call people names, and you’ve got a black eye there, Sev.”

Did he really? Huh. He usually had avoided things like that before, but then again, in the future-past the physical violence hadn’t started until maybe fourth year, when he knew some protection spells. And his father didn’t aim for his face.

“Come on,” urged Lily, grabbing his arm again, “you need to go to the Hospital Wing.”

Severus couldn’t stop his quick intake of breath and automatically put a hand to his stomach when Lily’s pulling caused the bruises on his torso to throb painfully. She immediately stopped and turned back, letting go of his arm but reaching toward his robes, as if to pull them aside and look, before thinking better of it. “You have bruises on… you have more bruises?”

Severus was suddenly just too exhausted to lie to her or plan anymore. He nodded shallowly.

“This wasn’t a… a fistfight.” Lily’s brow was furrowed, and she looked far more worried than before. This was exactly what Severus had been worried about. “You didn’t just get punched, and then punch them back.”

“They kicked you.” Remus’s voice was quiet, but had an edge to it, as he turned to Lily. “He was on the ground, and they kicked him.” His voice almost broke, to those who were listening for it.

Lily sucked in a breath, looking from Remus to Severus, and Severus had never wanted to be pulled into a secret trapdoor more in his life. He opened his mouth to say something, to downplay this again, but he found that he couldn’t. Maybe they had backed him into a corner. Or maybe he just wanted someone to know.

“I don’t have friends in Slytherin,” he began, willing himself to stay calm and detached. If he let this conversation get to him, it would be so much worse. “No one there talks to me, or anything like that, and yesterday I was sitting at the Farrington’s table,” he waiting, half expecting Lily to jump in, but she was just looking at him with something uncomfortably close to pity in her eyes. He looked away quickly and continued, “so they got… angry. And then Emma made them stop and told me about this club.” Maybe his two friends would focus on that last statement, and not the rest of it.

They were still just looking at him, and Severus didn’t want to be standing in front of them anymore. Glancing around, he saw an alcove complete with a large windowseat, and he moved over to it numbly. If his friends followed, they could sit there until they found the words. If they didn’t follow, well, he could deal with that too.

“Do you really not have friends in Slytherin?” Lily asked, and Severus could feel his face turning bright red. Now was a good a time as any to be mortifyingly honest, he supposed.

“No,” he managed, not trusting himself to elaborate.

“But what do you do… in the Common Room? Or at the Slytherin table?” Lily seemed genuinely confused, and Severus found himself getting almost properly angry for the first time in, well, years.

“I’m alone!” he said, barely keeping his voice at a normal volume. “I’m alone in the Common Room, Lily, and I’m alone at the Slytherin table, and I’m—just—I’m alone, alright?” he finished, trailing off and suddenly very aware of the emotion he had let leak through.

Lily looked like she was about to cry, and Severus quickly tried to backtrack. “I’m sorry, Lily, I’m fine, okay? Don’t—I’m fine, really, it’s just the Farringtons.” But Lily was shaking her head and moving toward him.

“I’m so sorry, Sev,” she got out, before she was hugging him. Severus made a sort of abortive gesture with his arms, not sure where to put them, and finally settled on very gently hugging her back, ready to let go the second that she did. He made eye contact with Remus, hoping to communicate his confusion. What was Lily sorry for? It was his fault. This was all his fault. And maybe the Farringtons’.

“I’m sorry I didn’t notice,” Lily continued, finally drawing back from him. “I should have. You don’t really talk about any other Slytherins, and you’re always sitting with us.” She inhaled sharply and refocused on him. “That day when I sat at the Slytherin table, and I asked you to introduce me to people, and… I’m so sorry, Severus, I’ve been a horrible friend not to notice.”

Severus wasn’t sure whether his mouth was hanging open or not. It certainly felt like it should be, like the one Saturday morning cartoon he had been allowed to watch as a child. “I don’t—“ he stopped, took a breath, and tried again. “I didn’t want you to know, Lily. You couldn’t have known.”

“I knew.” Remus spoke up from behind Lily, and now he was looking at Severus with pain in his eyes too, and how could people bear this kind of talking, this kind of confessing? It was horrid. Remus moved to sit on the windowseat beside Severus, and stared at his shoes as he spoke. Severus was very glad that he did—he was growing to detest eye contact. “I’m worse, and I’m sorry, because I knew. I saw you at the Slytherin table sometimes, and I know you’re in the library all the time even when we’re not. I should have… said something, or done something, but…” he turned to look at Severus, making a sort of half smile that ended up twisting his mouth into a grimace. “I wouldn’t want people to say something, y’know?”

Severus nodded. He did know. He and Remus noticed things, and kept them to themselves, because it was better that way. It was safer.

Lily let out a sound that was akin to a slightly wounded Grindylow and sat down on Severus’s other side. “You’re not worse, Remus, I’m worse, I’m the worst, I didn’t notice and then I _did_ notice and then I said something which you didn’t want me to do, but I don’t care! I don’t care, Sev, because you’re my friend and they hurt you and I’m going to punch them in their tiny stupid horrible faces.”

A stunned silence followed her outburst, and then Remus began to laugh. Severus tried not to at the look on Lily’s face, but finally the sound just burst out of him as well, and after a moment all three of them were laughing loudly in a windowseat in a hidden alcove of Hogwarts.

Remus recovered first. “Alright, Lils, we can both be the worst. We tie. I guess James and Remus and Peter aren’t the only ones who need corrections.”

Lily, still laughing, was quick to offer up a suggestion. “Yes! I vote that the stupid horrible Slytherins that hurt Severus get punched. Wait, that’s not a correction to us. I vote that we… punch them more often than we do now?”

That sobered Severus up fairly quickly. “Don’t hurt them, please. It’ll just make them hurt you.”

“And it won’t help,” Remus added, which Severus had to admit was probably a more convincing argument to Lily, “they’ll just keep bullying people when we’re not around. But I meant non-violent corrections. Things like… we tell each other when things are going on. Alright?” This last he said to Severus, who nodded grudgingly. If it made Remus and Lily feel better, he’d tell them when this sort of stuff happened.’’

“We also need to make friends with Emma and her club,” Lily suggested. “Can we join the club?”

“It’s not really a club. It’s more like… an alliance, I suppose. An alliance of lesser-bloods within Slytherin.” Severus was still reeling slightly by his friends’ response to his confession. “Emma’s a fifth year and she’s on the Quidditch team, so she’s important enough that people ignore her blood status. She protects other people in Slytherin, when she can.”

“It all sounds so professional,” Lily commented. “Aren’t they just a group of friends?”

Oh. “Emma and a couple fourth years are, yes. I could probably hang out with them sometimes.” That way he wouldn’t be crowding Lily and Remus.

As usual, Remus saw a little more than Severus meant him to. “If you want to, of course you should, but we want you to be friends with them too, not… instead.”

Lily hurried to agree. “Of course not instead! I want to be friends with her too, I think it’s a great thing, what she’s doing. Obviously some of Slytherin house is exactly as stupid as Potter and Black are always saying, but this group sounds so much better than that. Remus and I may not be Slytherins, but we’re—what did you call it? Lesser-bloods, so maybe we can have honorary membership. I just…” Lily stopped, halting her nervous flow of words and choosing them with care instead. “I don’t want you to be alone, Sev. Not unless you want to be.”

Severus, not trusting his voice right then, just smiled at her.

“I do think you need to go to see Madame Pomfrey.” Remus stood and offered both his hands to Severus and Lily. Lily took it immediately and was pulled to her feet, and Severus, after a moment of contemplation, did the same. His eye did hurt a fair bit.

Once in the Hospital Wing, Severus was tutted over and made to sit on a bed while Madame Pomfrey fixed his bruises and ran various diagnostic spells. Finally, she pronounced that he would be fine, but that he needed to stay still for a few minutes while she got the correct bruise paste, sensitive for faces, from her storeroom. Severus sat cross-legged on his bed to wait.

“So,” Lily said from her place on a chair, “do we need to make any more corrections? Maybe we could split our time between the two house tables, so we can all try and get to know Slytherin. The good ones, that don’t deserve punching, I mean.”

Severus almost scoffed. “You’re fine, Lily, you don’t need corrections. You’re perfect, I just need to—“

“I am not!” Lily said this perhaps louder than she had meant to, because she looked around guiltily before turning back to Severus. “I have a correction for you two, and that’s that you can’t call me perfect, or tell me that I don’t need to fix anything. Nobody’s perfect, and I'm definitely not.”

“Lily,” Remus started, but he seemed not to know what to say to that. Neither did Severus. Lily had always been perfect to him, but it sounded embarrassing when he said it like that, even in his head.

“I’m not! I talk too much, and too quickly, and I’m way too obsessive about schoolwork. And I’m annoying when I try to know the answer to everything, and I get way too emotional. I’m too much of a Muggle for Hogwarts, and I’m too much of a witch for home. And I didn’t even know that Severus didn’t have friends in Slytherin. Petunia—“ Lily’s voice cracked on her sister’s name, and Severus leaned toward her, wanting desperately to help and not sure how he could. “She won’t even talk to me anymore. That’s how fine I am, that’s how perfect.”

“Petunia, your sister?” Remus asked, glancing at Severus for confirmation, who nodded. He had only met her once or twice, but knew she was important to Lily. He couldn’t remember the last time she had mentioned Petunia, though.

Lily sniffed once, determinedly, and then blinked her tears away and looked at Remus. “She hasn’t talked to me since I came to Hogwarts. She says I’m a freak, and I’m not her sister anymore. I write her letters,” here the tears threatened to come back, but Lily wiped them away quickly and kept talking, “but she never opens them. She just ignores the owls until they come back.”

Severus was flabbergasted. How could anyone cut Lily out of their life voluntarily?

“What about your parents?” Remus asked, far quieter than Lily had been speaking.

Severus glanced over at him, suddenly afraid of what Lily’s answer would be. If even the Evans family could cause hurt, could cause pain, what did that say for the world? Things wouldn’t seem right, anymore. The ground wouldn’t be… solid. Balanced.

“They don’t know. Probably.” Lily shrugged, and Severus was surprised by how much that one motion worried him. Lily didn’t shrug things off. She _felt_ things, talked through them, even when she didn’t want to. Did she feel this less, or too much? Merlin, he wanted to protect her from all of this. Lily had to be happy, because if Lily wasn’t happy… could anyone ever be? Could _he_ ever be?

“—to know, right? If you’ve sent owls, your parents have seen them.” Remus didn’t sound too confident in his own words, and now both of them were looking at Lily, lost for words.

She shook her head and her shoulders, as if freeing herself from the topic. “Anyway, I really just wanted to say that… I’m not perfect. None of us are perfect. We could all use… corrections. We could all use help. And it’s better when we give it to each other, right? When we tell each other all our rubbish.”

“Blimey, this got serious again quickly.” Remus was leaning back in his chair, hands over his eyes. “No secrets, that means?”

Lily shot a panicked look at Severus, who widened his eyes slightly in response. Their plan still stood. If Remus didn't want to tell them, then—

“I’m a werewolf.” Remus’s hands were still over his face, so he didn’t see their not-surprised-at-all reaction.

Well. Alright. The second part of the plan still stood. They shouldn’t tell him that—

“We know!” Lily burst out, the dam finally breaking after two tortuous weeks.

Well.

Alright.

“You know?!” Remus asked, unfairly incredulous in Severus’s opinion. He was the worst secret-keeper of all time, surely he couldn’t be _that_ surprised. “For how long?”

“I’ve only known for a couple of weeks, but Sev—“ Lily glanced at Severus as she named him and quickly stopped speaking at the warning in his eyes. But the damage was done. Remus turned to Severus, and asked again.

“How long have you known?”

Severus felt a knot begin to tighten in his stomach. Keeping his knowledge from Remus had been the right thing to do, but how could he explain it? He’d just told them he wouldn't keep secrets anymore, but he couldn’t very well say ‘I’ve known for almost 6 years, when your best friends in Gryffindor tried to kill me with you as the murder weapon’. Not the truth, then, but something close to it.

“For a while. Since last year, around… Christmas, I suppose.” The lie settled on his shoulders, heavier than it would have been last year, and for a terrifying split second, Severus wanted to tell them everything he knew. He noticed his hand tapping anxiously on the blanket next to him, and stilled both it and his mind. Some secrets were more important than others.

“Last year? You’ve known for…” Remus trailed off, looking at Severus with realization. “You rescheduled shopping in Diagon Alley for me, didn’t you? I knew something was off about your Aunt Whoever. And you never raise a fuss about me going to the Hospital Wing all the time…”

“He leaves you chocolate!” Lily added, giggling when Severus glared daggers at her. “Well, you do. I thought it was thoughtful.”

“Oh, blimey! I thought that was Dumbledore, he’s always offering me candy when I go to his office.” Remus’s smile faltered slightly. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Severus looked at his friend and told him all the truth that he could. “I wouldn’t want people to say something.” He shrugged one shoulder, hoping Remus remembered his own words from earlier. This was the same. Wasn’t it?


	10. Gryffindors and Gridlock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! No specific triggers, just drama and obliviousness and a bit of self-hate on Severus's part as per usual. The boy just does not cut himself a break. Thank you to [LifeShouldBeAMusical](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LifeShouldBeAMusical)! Also, in honor of Camp NaNoRiMo, I'm posting Chapter 11 today, too :) Happy reading!

It took some time, but by Christmas, Remus seemed to have accepted that they were fine with his lycanthropy. The first week or so had been the hardest; Lily was enthusiastically supportive to the point of hysteria, and Severus just didn’t know how to voice his own support. He wasn’t happy that Remus was a werewolf, exactly. But he couldn’t say that, could he? Eventually, Lily calmed down and Severus ‘revealed’ to Remus that since he had been researching it and getting used to it for close to a year, nothing had really changed for him. And Remus began to accept that his friends were really, truly still his friends.

Discussions of Christmas break completely overtook any awkwardness still left. Lily would be going home, as usual. The full moons fell on either side of break this year, and so Remus was headed home as well, leaving Severus staying alone as per the request in his mother’s last letter to him. This semester, they had been sending short missives back and forth, and though she always seemed happy to hear from him, Severus couldn’t help but prefer it when they weren’t communicating. Thoughts of home should stay at home.

Lily was alternately infuriated and saddened by this predicament, and she and Remus tried to find another solution to Severus staying by himself in the castle. But he couldn’t go home with Lily—her parents wouldn’t understand him staying with them, when his own house was a few blocks away—and Remus had confessed that his parents disapproved of him having friends in conjunction with having lycanthropy. That had infuriated and saddened Lily even more.

It wasn’t until just a few days before break that a solution presented itself. The three of them were sitting at the Slytherin table, as they did once a day, much to Severus’s slowly mellowing horror. Severus’s metaphor of political alliances hadn’t been too far off, to Lily’s confusion, and though Emma and her compatriots were friendly, they mostly held their own conversations and left the three friends to their own devices.

Lily, about to take a bite of her roast, huffed out a breath in frustration and slammed the fork back down, turning to Severus. “It was bad enough last year, but at least Remus had to stay too. Sorry about why, Remus,” she added as an aside to their third friend, “but at least you two had each other. This year you’ll be alone! For Christmas! That’s just not fair.”

Severus set down his fork much more quietly and restated his mantra of the past few weeks. “I’ll be fine, Lily. I will do my work, and I will read some books for fun, like you always want me to, and I will avoid the jerks with stupid faces of whom you speak so fondly. It is only two weeks. I will be fine.”

“But you’ll be _alone_!” Lily stressed the word, referencing the embarrassing confessions from before that Severus longed for her to forget, please, just for a day or so.

“No, he won’t be,” said Emma, sitting across from Remus.

“Really?!” Lily asked, and Severus willed her to calm down. He could almost feel himself blushing.

“Yeah,” Emma said nonchalantly, like there wasn’t a second year Gryffindor almost yelling at her. “I’m going home, but Trish is staying.” She hooked a thumb at the girl on her left, who Severus recognized as one of the people he saw her with the most. He supposed that probably made them best friends.

“Why are you staying?” Lily asked Trish, much calmer now that Emma had assuaged her fears. 

“Oh, my parents are out of town the whole time. My mum had a business trip in Thailand, so they made a trip out of it, and I didn’t want to crowd them. Plus, Hanukkah was a couple of weeks ago, so I’m not missing out on anything.” Trish turned to look at Severus. “I’ll be around, if you need anything, or just want someone to sit with and talk to at meals. If you’re good at snowball fights, I’ll take that too. But only if you’re good.” With that, she turned back to Emma once again.

Lily seemed much happier now that she had entrusted Severus’s well-being to someone else, and she and Remus left for the break without any further drama. Severus had sent Remus’s gift with him, not to be opened until Christmas, but Lily couldn’t be trusted to do so—hers would travel by owl when the time came. All his preparations done, Severus settled in for a break spent partially in the library and partially avoiding Trish, his appointed babysitter.

However, the blasé attitude she had shown so far continued, and Severus really only saw her at meals or passing through the Slytherin common room, where she hung out with a few other fourth years. When he did see her, she nodded in his direction, but made no effort to speak to him. Was he bothering her? She had said he could sit with her at meals, after all. Severus found himself fighting between his curiosity and his fierce need to not be a bother. 

The fifth day his curiosity, and frankly his slight boredom, got the best of him and he sat across from Trish at dinner. She smiled at him, but went back to her food, and Severus found himself almost… saddened. Had she just been humouring Lily when Trish told her she would be around to talk to? Severus could understand, he supposed. She was a fourth year, after all, and how was she to know that he was actually… wait, how old was he really? Was he still 21, would he be 21 until he actually got to 22? Was he _older_ than that, even though he’d never gotten to be, technically? Merlin, it was easier not to think about it.

Trish must have noticed his confusion or discomfort, because she turned back to him again. “Hey, Severus, how’s break going?”

Oh, and this was worse, now she pitied him. “It’s fine. I’m fine. You don’t have to… check on me, or anything, if you don’t really want to. I’ll be fine.” He saw her eyes narrow slightly in his direction, and ducked his head in embarrassment. Why did he get himself into these conversations?

“That was a lot of ‘fine’s for one sentence, there, Severus.” And now she was smiling at him, a smile contagious enough that it almost made him smile back at her automatically. “It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you, I just figured you’d let me know if you wanted to. Didn’t want to crowd you. I’ve seen you about, and you’re the quiet type, yeah?”

Severus nodded, and realized that she was having what he used to consider the _correct response_ to his silent demeanor and loner behavior: she was leaving him alone. How strange to be in a timeline where she was in the minority.

“I’m certainly not the quiet type, though, anyone can tell you that.” Someone from the other side of her chimed in their agreement, and she looked over her shoulder to shout a quick retort before turning back. “That’s why we didn’t try and bring you into the club last year, y’know. Me and Ems make it a rule not to cozy up to new students who keep to themselves, the ones who handle being in Slytherin by flying under the radar. If you do it right, it works pretty well, and us talking to them can ruin a strategy like that. We’re too high-profile.” Trish beamed in what Severus supposed was pride, though he couldn't imagine being proud of a target painted on your back.

That explained why he hadn’t known about them in the future-past, he supposed. His strategy had definitely been to stay out of sight, out of mind, and not to associate with any lesser-bloods other than Lily. Certainly none of the ones in Slytherin. With him avoiding them, and them avoiding him, no wonder he hadn’t known the extent of their organization. And now Trish was looking at him, waiting for some kind of response. “Oh,” he managed, and she grinned good-naturedly before turning to answer one of her friends. But the rest of the meal, she would glance at him every so often, or ask him a question related to the conversation she was in, and Severus could feel himself being inexorably pulled into a new Slytherin social circle. Merlin help him.

The rest of Christmas break went about as planned. Severus woke up in his empty dorm, grabbed an early breakfast before everyone but the most stressed Ravenclaws, and hit the library. He had finished his holiday work in the first couple of days, of course. In fact, he was amused to find that he _remembered_ McGonagall’s Transfiguration assignment from the future-past. It had given him some difficulty the first time around. This coincidence, or rather this unchanged detail, led to a bit of remembering on his part that he was in fact a time traveller, and the rest of his library time was spent checking out all the advanced books on time and space manipulation that he couldn’t usually be seen with.

Lunch was spent sitting near, if not with, Trish and her friends, and then he was sometimes dragged into a communal activity. He wasn’t _good_ at snowball fights by any means, but he could use spells beyond his year level as long as no one was watching, and he quickly became a regular on Trish’s team. He found himself almost happy as part of a team sport, and wasn’t _that_ an odd self-realization after 23 years of chess and solitaire.

Dinner was again near Trish’s group, and then a quick escape to the library again before returning to his blissfully empty dorm to read and turn in. The days passed rather quickly this way, and almost before he realized it was New Year’s and students were pouring back into the halls of Hogwarts. He was waiting in the Great Hall for Lily and Remus at dinner after everyone had arrived, although he sat at the Slytherin table. A glimpse of fiery red hair helped him find Lily, and he returned her energetic wave with a smile, but as she almost ran up to him, he saw that Remus wasn’t with her. He fought the worry that forced its way up his throat. He was probably fine. There hadn’t been a moon, after all. But the way he hadn’t wanted Severus anywhere near his house for break…

“Hey Sev! Thanks for the notebook. I’m used to parchment, I am, but notebooks are so much easier! And I tried out the ink-drying charm on it, it works like a charm.” Lily giggled at her pun and sat down at the place Severus had cleared next to him. “Hi Emma, Trish!” She waved at the girls across from them, but they were wrapped up in a quiet, fast conversation.

“Hi Lily,” Severus said, a genuine smile breaking across his face. He had missed his best friend. “Thank you for the Sneakoscope.”

“You’re welcome! Remus and I went in together to get it. I was just so worried about you in Slytherin without a way to warn you. It’s almost more a gift for me,” she finished rather sheepishly. “That’s silly, isn’t it? Getting you a gift that makes me feel better.”

“No, Lily, I—” Severus struggled to put the warm feeling in his belly into words. “You worrying about me _is_ the gift, kind of. It makes me feel better, too. Although I may have to put some silencing spells around it with Mulciber and Avery in the room.” He paused and glanced around the room again, about to ask Lily if she had seen Remus on the train. But then he spotted him across the room, at the Gryffindor table. Maybe he hadn’t seen them? 

As Severus raised his hand to wave, he saw Remus double over in laughter, and clap the person next to him on the back. Someone with longish, black hair and an annoying smirk. Black. Severus slowly lowered his hand again as he watched Remus with the rest of the Gryffindor boys. He wouldn’t make a big deal out of this. He _couldn’t_ , not after all the drama of the last time he’d tried to cut the other Gryffindors out. 

“Did you finish all your work due this week? Can I look at your Potions essay? I think mine is fine, but yours are always better, Slughorn says so.” Lily went on about the Bittering Solution they had been studying, reaching past Severus for the potatoes. “I thought my last one was good, but I forgot that honeysap root had that special preparation method, and he took off points…”

Why was Remus sitting with them?

“…even though he only mentioned the method once, and I _swear_ it wasn’t in our textbook. Well, it was, but it was in a whole different chapter, I checked…”

What had happened over break? Was Remus mad at him? Did he not like the Comfy Quill Severus had gotten, for when his fingers hurt after the full moon?

“…and I really don’t think he should be able to do that. But you’ve read the whole book ten times, I bet, haven’t you? Sev?”

Hearing his name, Severus jumped slightly and tried to finally hear everything Lily had been saying. “I’ve read it a lot. Yes. I will… I will look at your essay. Is tomorrow morning okay?”

Lily looked at Severus with slightly narrowed eyes and raised one eyebrow, then pointedly looked over at the Gryffindor table. “He sat with them on the train, too, but I saw him on the platform at King’s Cross.”

“I’d like to look at your Charms essay, if you don’t mind. I think you might be able to read Professor Flitwick’s mind, you always write exactly what he wants.” Come on, Lily, let it go.

“He ended up at Potter’s house for Christmas. Not the whole time, I don’t think.” Severus felt himself react in surprise. Lily waited for a more verbal response for a few seconds, and then seemed to give up, loosing a large breath and rolling her eyes. “Pass the peas, please?”

Severus knew, as he passed over the bowl, that he was being stupid and silly. But so much of his Christmas break had been spent thinking about all the stupid and silly and _dangerous_ things that Potter and Black and Pettigrew could still be destined to do. It was hard to reconcile them again with their past selves. And now Remus was spending Christmas with them? Black and Pettigrew had been there too, he was sure of it. Why hadn’t Remus told him before? Was he afraid of what Severus would say or do?

The next morning, he met Lily to swap essays. Twenty minutes in, Remus walked in and straight to their table.

“Hey, I tried to find you before I left the Tower,” Lily said to him in greeting. “How’d you know where we were?”

“James—” Remus cut himself off. “Lucky guess, I suppose.” He sat down and started to pull things out of his bag. “Hey,” he said to Severus.

“Hello,” Severus said automatically. How had Potter known where they were? That was twice he had told Remus where to find Severus. How much time did Remus spend with ‘James’, anyway? 

Severus tried to continue with his work like nothing was different, but he could hear himself getting snappy and sarcastic. He was resigned to having to leave the library early so as to not cause a row when Lily spoke up instead.

“Honestly, you’re both idiots. Remus, why did you go to Potter’s for the break? Why didn’t you tell Severus?”

Remus almost slammed down the quill he was holding, only tempering his gesture at the last second. “Why are you interrogating _me_?! He’s the one who’s upset.”

Lily huffed. “Believe me, it’s his turn next. Also, both of you are upset! Neither of you have given me a helpful suggestion on my essays yet. Usually they’re covered in red ink by now. So you’re both upset, and both being idiots. Remus?”

Remus sighed and sat back in his chair, and Severus realized that he’d been tense this whole time. Apparently Lily had noticed when he had not.

“I went to James’s house because he invited me, and it’s better than going to my house. Apparently my parents are fine with my friends as long as they don't have to _see_ them," he added bitterly. "I didn’t tell Severus because I didn’t know until we got to King’s Cross and his parents invited me.” That was apparently all the reason he was going to give, and he looked at Severus as if to say, your turn.

“Alright,” Lily allowed, and turned to Severus too. “Severus, why are you mad that Remus went to Potter’s house for break?”

Stupid, he should have been planning this answer instead of listening to his friends. Go with as close to the truth as you can get, then, as per usual. “I’m not mad that he went, I’m mad that he didn’t tell me. I thought he hadn’t told me on purpose.” And now he’s hanging out with them here at Hogwarts, too, he thought to himself. They’re becoming one tyrannical unit. Again.

“It wasn’t on purpose,” Remus said, directly to Severus this time. “I just didn’t know until I was already gone, and then… I thought it was better to tell you when we got back, instead of in a letter. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.”

“Alright,” Severus said. It wasn’t alright, but Remus wasn’t to know some of the reasons he was really mad, so he couldn’t really answer for them. So it was alright.

“Alright,” Remus said, and they were done. They nodded at each other and went back to correcting Lily’s essays. 

Lily put her head down on the table in front of her. “ _Boys_ ,” came her muffled voice from under her hair.

The problem was that all of Severus’s concerns couldn’t be answered, so all of his anger couldn’t really go away and Remus didn’t stop spending time with his new friends. In retaliation, or as Severus told himself, to give his friend time with his new friends, he began to spend more time with Emma and Trish at the Slytherin table, with or without Lily and Remus. For a couple of days, Lily tried to bounce back and forth when this happened. But after a particularly frustrating lunch where she tried and failed to get them all at the same table, she seemed to fold to retaliation as well, and began to sit with her dormmates at the Gryffindor table, though she pointedly sat at least three seats away from Remus. _See, I can do this too,_ she seemed to add to their silent sort-of-fight.

They were still in their mealtime stalemate by the time they all had to meet with their Heads of Houses about electives for third year, and Severus had a long few minutes where he considered breaking the silence to see what his friends were planning to take. After all, being in as many classes with both of them as possible was a good time traveller plan. But in the end, he couldn’t do it. Looking at the Gryffindor table, at Lily with her dormmates and Remus with his, Severus felt something different than usual. Maybe this is where they were supposed to be. This is where they would be, without his meddling in their lives. Perhaps he should just try to guide things from the outside. He could whisper things to Dumbledore, change enough of Lily’s security that she wouldn’t die that night. He could leave them be. Would they be happier that way, smiling with all their brave, courageous friends?

He walked into his meeting on Friday afternoon with Slughorn in an almost fugue state.

“Severus, m’boy! Come in, come in. Care for some pineapple?” Professor Slughorn sat behind his desk, one hand in a box of candy and the other around a glass of brandy. It seemed he’d gone alphabetically through the second year—there were several empty boxes and a half-empty bottle on the table behind him.

“No thank you, Professor,” Severus said politely as he sat. He had learned many years ago that the best way to deal with Horace Slughorn was to be quiet, polite, and good at Potions. If you were potentially powerful, it gave you sway with him. But it also gave you a lot of trouble and required formal events. Better to lay low.

“Just fine, just fine. Here we are then, your grades! Excellent across the board, m’boy. Top of your year in Potions, and pretty high up there in Transfiguration and Charms! Excellent. Any idea what electives you’d like to add next year?”

Severus well and truly blanked at that moment. In the future-past, he had taken Ancient Runes and Divination to be with Lily, but he didn’t have quite the same desperate need to be in all her classes anymore. He wasn’t even sure she would choose the same classes, anyway. And who knew what classes Remus was thinking of? There was also the question of whether he should take all different electives this time around, to know as much as possible.

“What do you think I should take?” he asked, mostly to stall.

But Slughorn seemed genuinely delighted by the question. “You’d be surprised how seldom anyone asks me that! I’m meant to advise you, of course, but you Slytherins always walk in knowing exactly what you’re going to do. Let’s see… you’re a half-blood, aren’t you?”

Severus nodded. It was rather common knowledge in Slytherin.

“Alright, so Muggle Studies is probably out for you. Already know everything, right?” Slughorn laughed before continuing. “Divination is a good class, but if you don’t have the Sight it—”

“Not Divination,” Severus said quickly. He wouldn’t sit in a classroom and listen to prophecies when one had ruined his life, especially if Lily was in that room too.

“Alright, not Divination. That leaves Care of Magical Creatures, Arithmancy, and Ancient Runes. You can choose two from that, of course,” Slughorn paused and looked down at the parchment in front of him again, “but I think with your marks you could handle all three, if you wanted to.”

Well, and of course he could, when he had taken most of these classes before. He nodded, and Slughorn marked a few boxes quickly. “That does it, m’boy. Any other questions? No? Pineapple for the road?”

“No thank you, sir. Thank you, sir.” Severus left Slughorn’s office contemplating his next 5 years at Hogwarts. Ancient Runes again, that was fine, but he was almost _excited_ for Care of Magical Creatures and Arithmancy. He hadn’t been able to learn something in class yet. He missed it.

Walking to dinner that night, he was bolstered by his new excitement over electives and found himself walking to the Gryffindor table. He wanted to share the news with his friends. He wanted to talk to them about the future, make plans. Sitting down next to Lily, he shot her a warm smile, and she responded by hugging him tightly.

“Sorry,” she mumbled into his shoulder.

“Me too,” he said. He hoped this covered all the things they had been fighting about. He just wanted the silence to be over. He looked around for Remus, hoping to resolve everything now, but couldn’t see him or the other Gryffindor boys.

“Where’s Remus?” he asked Lily.

“He got in trouble just now with Professor Hawke,” she explained. “Something silly he and Black were writing on a piece of parchment, and they had to stay back. You didn’t miss anything, really. Oh!” she stopped and turned her full attention on Severus. “Speaking of which, what electives did you pick?”

Severus fell into conversation about the pros and cons of various classes, glad to have his friend back. He would apologize to Remus tomorrow.


	11. Poison and Partnerships

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, Chapter 11 as well. Which kind of messes with the sort-of-ironic-cliffhanger last chapter, but I was just too excited about this one. Slightly more triggering stuff, including shackles, poison, and general self-sacrifice nonsense. I think it's mild enough that I don't need to put in a summary, but if you think otherwise, let me know and I'll add it. Happy reading!

Saturday morning, Severus got to the library at 11 as agreed. Lily walked in at 11:30, not looking rumpled like she normally did when she had overslept. She threw herself into a chair at Severus’s table.

“I waited for Remus for like an hour, and nothing! He doesn’t usually sleep this late on Saturday. He’s usually up before I am!” Lily looked worried, but Severus felt the familiar anger and frustration welling back up.

“He’s probably with Potter and Black and Pettigrew, up to something,” he said bitterly.

Lily looked at him sharply. “Maybe,” she conceded. “Or maybe he’s not feeling well. The moon is in a couple of days, you know.”

He hadn’t forgotten. Even when they weren’t talking, he kept track of the moons in a little notebook by his bed, along with all of his lists. It was habit, at this point, he supposed. Only natural to still keep track.

Remus never showed up to their study session, and Severus could feel his desire to apologize shrinking by the second. Why should he be the one to say sorry, to mend the gap, when Remus was the one avoiding him and moving on to new friends? Severus was walking slowly to lunch with Lily, lightly fuming, when he tripped over nothing and yelped as he went sprawling down the last two steps to the Entrance Hall. He jumped up amid Lily’s worried questions, just in time to see Pettigrew laughing from the landing above, always a bit slower to get out of sight than his friends. 

“Get _off_ , Lily!” Severus snapped, brushing her off.

She took a step back, looking put out. “I was just trying to help. Was it that vanishing step? Professor Dumbledore should do something about that.”

Severus scoffed at her naiveté. “No.” He turned and kept walking toward lunch, trying to control his anger and his hurt. He knew what a tripping jinx felt like. “It was them. Potter and Black and Pettigrew.” He stopped walking, causing Lily to almost run into him, and sucked in a breath. “And Remus.”

He walked into the Great Hall without waiting for a response from Lily. He knew she would only make excuses. But he couldn’t stop her from following him to the Slytherin table. As soon as they sat down, he started filling his plate and she started talking.

“He wouldn’t do that.” At the look on Severus’s face, she doubled down. “He wouldn’t! You know he hates when they pull pranks on you.”

“He used to not like hanging out with them. He used to spend time with us. Face it, Lily,” Severus tried to really make eye contact with her, so she would really understand. “He’s different, now that he’s friends with them.” He took a few more bites of his sandwich, but it tasted like ash in his mouth, so he got up to leave. He could finish his Herbology homework in the Slytherin common room where he wouldn't have to think about Gryffindors for a while. Instinctively, he looked at the red and gold table as he passed. No second year boys.

When dinner came around, Severus was too deep in _Time Manipulation: A Timeless Endeavor_ to go. He simply had to finish this set of chapters, or he would lose his place in the extremely dry text, he told himself. He could go to the kitchens later and get something. It was Saturday, after all. Lots of people skipped one meal or another.

He fell asleep with one hand still tracing the last sentence he had managed to read, and when he woke in the morning he was starving. He raced through his morning routine and down to the Great Hall, plopping down on the bench and immediately reaching for a toast triangle. He had barely gotten it in his mouth before someone sat down forcefully next to him, shoving him into Crouch on his other side, who shot him a filthy look and scooted a good 3 feet down the bench.

Lily, who had shoved him, looked a mess. Her hair was in a very iffy bun, and her tie was askew, and she was looking at him with wide and distressed eyes. 

“Remus is gone!”

“He’s just with Potter and Black again, Lily,” Severus said wearily. Why couldn’t she accept that Remus had changed?

“No, he’s not! They’re sitting over at the Gryffindor table. They were there last night too, _without_ Remus, while you were Merlin-knows-where.” Lily’s voice had risen slightly in pitch and was gathering attention from other people at the Slytherin table.

Severus looked over to the Gryffindors, and sure enough, there were Potter and Black and Pettigrew, laughing and making a general mess of their breakfasts. Remus was nowhere to be seen. “Maybe he missed dinner like I did, last night, and just isn’t awake yet today.” But even as he spoke, he could hear the doubt creeping into his voice. That was three—no, four—meals in a row that Remus had missed. “Oh, Merlin,” he said quietly.

“What?!” Lily whispered loudly, but Severus was already standing and pulling her with him over to the Gryffindor table. 

He hesitated only a second before sitting down across from James Potter. “Was Remus with you yesterday?” he asked, feeling it was best to just jump into what was sure to be an uncomfortable conversation.

Black and Pettigrew, who had stopped talking when he sat down, just looked at him with surprise and a bit of amusement, but Severus was looking straight at Potter, the unspoken leader of the trio and perhaps the most reasonable one of the lot.

“…No,” Potter finally answered. 

“Not even yesterday morning?” Severus pushed. How had he missed this before? The only thing Remus hated more than the trio pranking Severus was the trio using juvenile, painful pranks like tripping jinxes. ‘Lacking imagination’, he called them.

Black, Potter and Pettigrew had burst into giggles at the mention of yesterday morning, and the unspoken reference to the stairs incident, but Potter quickly stifled his and actually seemed to blush slightly under Severus’s stare. “No,” he said, quieter than before. “Why?”

“When was the last time you saw him?” Severus asked, but only part of his mind was listening. The other part was thinking. Remus, missing two days and four meals only a couple days before the full moon? Something was wrong. How had Severus not noticed until now?

“Right before detention with Hawke, on Friday night. He split us up to clean different things,” Potter said, sharper now. “ _Why_?” he repeated, with a tone that told Severus he wouldn’t answer any more questions until he got an answer.

“You didn’t see him Friday night, or last night in the dorms?” Severus was hoping to avoid involving Potter, but received only a look in response to his last question. He sighed and finally answered. “We haven’t seen him since then, either.” Or actually, before then. “If he hasn’t been with us, and he hasn’t been with you…” Severus trailed off, letting Potter draw his own conclusions. 

Lily, who had been quiet throughout this conversation, let out a sort of strangled sob.

“Oh, Merlin’s saggy…” Black said, involving himself in the conversation at last. “It’s not odd, for Remus to not be in the dorms at night. He stays in the Hospital Wing a lot. Some kind of chronic illness,” he added, looking sideways at Potter. “And the rest of the time… we assumed he was with you. That he was avoiding us, that’s why we-- Oh, Merlin, where is he?” Black sounded worried now, and Severus could hear Lily beginning to hyperventilate next to him. 

He turned to put a hand on her shoulder. They needed to find Remus, now. All those times that Remus had found him, and now—

A thought, an observation, hit Severus and he swivelled to stare at Potter, who looked back at him uncomprehendingly. Remus had found him in that bathroom, and said it was because of Potter and Black. He had found him and Lily in the library, and said it was because of Potter. And the Gryffindor trio always seemed to find him to torment and prank him. Even in the future-past, they were everywhere. Did they pay attention to his schedule? Or…

“We need to _find him_ ,” he said to Potter, putting enough stress on the words to cripple an elephant. “Do you have a way to see where he is, Potter?”

A light bulb went on behind Potter’s eyes, and he jumped up, Black catching on in the same instant. Severus stood too, and the three boys walked out of the Hall quickly, leaving Lily and Pettigrew to look at each other in confusion and then follow.

A left, a left, and a right out of the Great Hall, and Potter declared them far enough away from people to pull a folded piece of parchment from his back pocket. Even from here, Severus could see rough sketches of rooms and words scratched all over it. Potter unfolded it, and a map of Hogwarts became clear. It was very basic, with only the Great Hall, Library, Hospital Wing, and several second year classrooms clearly defined and labelled. _This_ was how Gryffindors kept finding him?

Potter cleared his throat and looked at Severus with distrust, wand hovering above the paper. Clearly, he wasn’t going to do anything else with Severus watching, so he threw up his hands and turned away, taking a couple steps down the hallway. He took a moment to breathe and calm himself. They would find Remus. They had to. He heard Potter murmur something behind him, and turned back to see a single dot had appeared on the map, labelled simply ‘Remus’. It was sitting in an unlabelled section of hallway near the Defence Against the Dark Arts, and in a rush, Severus remembered that the last place Remus had been seen was before a detention with Professor Hawke.

“Hawke,” he said simply, and then all five of them are running, running toward the Defence hallway. When they got there, it seemed to stretch on forever in both directions.

“We should split up,” Potter suggested, and Severus had to agree that it isn’t a terrible idea. 

He nodded and turned left with Lily, already checking the first classroom as the others turned to the right.

He heard the voices from the fifth classroom before he got to it, and he motioned Lily to the wall as they moved closer.

“Really, Mr. Lupin? Never?” came the voice from inside, and Severus knew he was right. It was Hawke. His voice was different than in class, though. Colder, more tightly coiled. “You’ve never looked at the throat of someone, someone you claimed to care about, and thought about ripping it? Tearing into it, until nothing is left.” 

Severus fought to control his shudders, and pulled out his wand, glancing at Lily. She was shaking too, but met his eyes with ferocity and pulled her own wand, nodding to him. He turned back toward the door and aimed at the lock. “ _Alohomora_ ” he murmured, praying Hawke hadn’t put anything more substantial up. He knew other spells, but not as a second-year, and no amount of time-travel protocol would stop him from getting to Remus right now. He reached out a hand and gently turned the knob, thanking Merlin when it turned quietly and without fuss and the door opened a centimetre. The voice, Hawke’s voice, was much clearer now.

“You can say no, Mr. Lupin. You can say you’ve never thought these things. That you’ve never killed anything, that you’ll never kill anything, but we both know that you’re lying, don’t we? We both know that you’re still a monster, whether you won’t kill for another week or another year. You’ll kill, and you’ll like it. So doesn't it make sense that we should kill you first?” 

This time, Severus could hear small noises in response to Hawke’s question. Remus? He inched his head around the doorway and risked a glance inside. Hawke, looking rather deranged, was facing a cage in the centre of the room. Severus, if he had been thinking about it, would have recognized it as the cage that he had seen holding kappas and pixies in the future-past. But now, it held a boy, looking much smaller than usual, curled in on himself and shaking his head over and over again without pause. There were silver shackles on his wrists and ankles and blood oozing from under them. And when he shook his head more fervently, Severus could see trickles of blood coming out of his ears.

Severus sucked in a breath at the sight, just a bit too loudly, and Hawke whirled around to stare at him. Severus began to raise his wand, but Hawke was faster, and he slashed his wand down in one fluid movement. Severus found himself pulled into the room, Lily behind him as she grabbed his cloak to try and keep him in place. Both of them were shoved into the stone wall hard enough to crack their heads and drop their wands, and Severus only just heard the door slam shut and lock again through the rushing sound in his ears.

When the world stopped spinning, he looked up to find Hawke only a meter away from him and Lily, staring at them intently and holding both their wands in his hand. He turned away to place them on the table at the other side of the room.

“…Yes,” he said, and he sounded more like the teacher they had heard all year. It was almost worse than the cold, emotionless voice he had been using earlier. 

“Yes,” Hawke said again, sounding more certain, “I think this will illustrate the lesson well. Mr. Lupin, these are your friends, are they not?”

Remus looked up from his place in the cage, and Severus could see tear tracks running down his face. He had a sudden urge to put Hawke in a cage and make it smaller, smaller, smaller.

“Remus, answer my question, please,” Hawke prodded, and Remus nodded carefully, staring at Severus and Lily with eyes that were almost empty.

“Good,” Hawke said, sounding pleased. “So now, we add some facts to this farce you call a friendship. Mr. Snape, Ms. Evans, we have been talking about werewolves this year in class. I am deeply sad to inform you that Mr. Lupin here… is a werewolf himself.” He stopped facing away from them, clearly expecting a dramatic response that he could see reflected in Remus’s face. When all he received was silence, he turned to look at Severus and Lily again.

“We know,” Lily said quietly, so quietly Hawke had to step closer to hear her. “We _know_ ,” she repeated, “and we don’t care.” She looked around Hawke, to Remus. “We don’t care, Remus! You’re not a monster, I promise. You’re Remus. Okay?”

But before he could do more than blink, Hawke had blocked their view of him. His face was contorted in anger, and as he spoke, spittle flew from his mouth. “You know _nothing_! You’re _children_ , you don’t know. You see your friend there, and think he’ll always be your friend? You think he doesn’t turn into a vicious, dangerous monster every month? You think he doesn’t _relish_ that, live for it?” He took a step closer to Severus, so that all Severus could see and smell and hear was him. “I _will_ prove it. I will prove that he is a monster, that he is a killer. And you will watch me.” Turning away, Hawke walked back to the cage in the centre of the room and Summoned a potions vial nearby that had escaped Severus’s notice until now. It was a yellowish-green liquid, almost watery, and Severus knew immediately that it was Essence of Wolfsbane, a werewolf poison mentioned in every book he had ever checked out of the library. He had to stop Hawke from forcing any more of it down Remus’s throat. Who knew how much he had ingested already? He had to… he had to…

“Hey!” he shouted at Hawke, thinking quickly. “We’re children, sure. We’re just children. But the only _monster_ in this room is you, _Ethan_.” Severus had learned early that the first names of adults could be used to calm or enrage them. Just turn away from Remus, put down the vial, come hurt me instead. “You’ve had him locked up for more than a day, and you still can’t prove he’s hurt anyone, because he _hasn’t_. You’re wrong.”

Hawke paused and turned, looking at Severus like he had brought up an interesting point in a debate. “But what if he did, Mr. Snape? What if, on the full moon in a few days, he hurt someone?” Hawke began to slowly walk toward Severus, the vial still in his hand. “What if he hurt _you_?” he asked, really asked, like he wanted an answer. “Imagine him as a huge wolf, with teeth this long,” he held up two fingers up to illustrate, “and claws even longer. Towering over you, nothing between you and him.”

Severus almost laughed. As if he hadn’t seen that moment, relived it, in nightmares for years. As if he hadn’t considered this argument over and over again. “It wouldn’t matter,” he said calmly. Funny, how it took a madman to make him sure of this. “Even if he hurt me, even if he killed me, as a wolf. It wouldn’t be his fault. And I’d still be his friend.” Severus gave a half-smile to Remus as he hit the Potions vial out of Hawke’s hand. It shattered on the floor, and Severus turned to look Hawke in the eye. It didn’t matter what happened to him now—the poison was gone.

Hawke took a few steps back, vibrating with anger, and pointed his wand at Severus, who was trying to Summon his wand without much success. 

Severus was about to just close his eyes and hope for the best, sending a silent apology to Lily and Remus, when the door burst open to admit Professors McGonagall and Sinistra.

“ _Stupefy_!” they yelled in unison, and before Severus could truly comprehend the order of events, Hawke was bound, gagged and Stunned on the floor, his wand in McGonagall’s hand. Sinistra had run to the cage, making short work of the door and the shackles and helping Remus up. Lily ran to him, Severus close behind, and the three of them sat on the floor in a small circle, numb but alive, as chaos reigned around them.

When Madame Pomfrey finally arrived, she immediately began to berate the adults present about medical care first, thank you very much, when will you learn, and whisked the three of them away to the Hospital Wing.

After being poked and prodded for what seemed like hours, Severus and Lily were pronounced healthy if a bit shaken up. They both immediately left their beds and went to sit by Remus’s, who had been put into an enchanted sleep to help draw the Essence of Wolfsbane out.

A few minutes, or was it hours, later, Severus woke up in his chair by Remus’s bed and almost jumped out of his skin when he found himself looking straight at Potter, Black, and Pettigrew. They were standing around the foot of the bed, looking incredibly awkward, but they didn’t seem to be leaving.

“…Yes?” Severus tried, unsure if they wanted to talk to him or not.

The three Gryffindors looked at each other for a moment and seemed to elect Potter as their speaker. “Can you tell us what happened?” he asked, careful to keep his voice quiet to not wake Remus and Lily, slumped over in her own chair.

Severus hesitated. There would probably be an official story, one that didn't involve lycanthropy. A twisted version of the truth it was, then, as usual. “We found Remus in one of the classrooms on our side with Prof-- with Hawke.” Severus felt anger building in him at just the man’s name, but made himself continue. Better to tell the story once and get it over with. “He was saying crazy things, trying to prove something to somebody, and…” Here he paused. Was the cage and the chains too much of a clue? “…he was poisoning Remus. He asked Lily and I questions and we answered, and then the Professors got there.”

Potter nodded, seeming to accept this version of the story. “We heard the door slam behind you, and we ran to it but we couldn’t get it open. So I went for McGonagall, and Sirius went for Dumbledore, and Peter went for Pomfrey.”

A three-pronged plan. Severus was almost impressed with their quick thinking. “Thank you,” he said. The Gryffindors looked shocked. “You saved our lives by calling them. So, thanks.”

Black let out a single laugh of disbelief, but slowly all three of them nodded to Severus, who nodded back and was hit with a wave of exhaustion. He was suddenly very done with reticent Gryffindors and half-truths, and he leaned back in the chair to go back to sleep, hoping they took the hint. All of this could wait until tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to call this "Hawke and Horrors" but that seemed a little too spoiler-y.


	12. Fabrications and Fault

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, it's Saturday. Whatever, I haven't slept since Friday, so it doesn't count. Trigger warnings: child abuse and domestic abuse. I _think_ this is as descriptive as stuff like this is going to get, just so you know, other than maybe a few planned flashbacks, but I'll warn you. I'll put a section break (* * *) before that, so you can scroll past if you want to, and I'll put a short description in the notes at the end. Happy reading!

“Yeah, but it doesn’t make _sense_ ,” Remus insisted from his place in the bed in the Hospital Wing. “Why would Professor Hawke hate me for being a troublemaker? James and Sirius are much worse than I am.”

“Yes, well, we can’t tell them that he was a psychotic werewolf-hating… psychotic person, and that you’re a werewolf, can we?” Lily contributed from the chair by the bed. “And there’s nothing else about you that makes any sort of sense.”

“Nothing about the fake story makes any sort of sense either,” Remus groaned, sitting back against the pillows. “Maybe they could pretend I punched him, or something? Something to merit _poison_.”

“Maybe you hit him with words?” Severus suggested as he sorted through the candy on Remus’s beside table, setting aside all the chocolate for his friend. “You can be viciously snarky when provoked.”

“Look who’s talking,” Lily said in a monotone, closing her eyes and trying to shut out the ridiculousness of the entire situation. But when her friends started laughing at her comment, she joined in.

They were still laughing when Professor Dumbledore walked through the curtain into Remus’s space.

“What has amused you all so?” he asked, smiling at them. 

They glanced at each other, but couldn’t find a response that explained it accurately. Finally, Remus spoke. “Hello, Professor. How are you?”

“Why, I believe it is I who should be asking you that question, Mr. Lupin. How goes the recovery?” Dumbledore stepped closer, taking the empty chair at the foot of the bed.

“Good, I think,” Remus answered again. “Madame Pomfrey tells me that the Wol— that the poison should be out of my system by now, but she’s keeping me until tomorrow just to make sure.”

Dumbledore nodded. “Good, good. Well, I’ve not just come here to interrupt your joyful camaraderie!” Here he paused and looked at Lily and Severus, who gave him a polite smile. Severus had some questions for Dumbledore, but he didn’t know if now was a good time to voice them.

Dumbledore continued. “I assume, being in the room with Mr. Hawke as you were, that you both learned something about Mr. Lupin two days ago?”

Lily glanced at Severus, even as he willed her not to. Here was a story they really should keep up, since Remus wasn’t supposed to tell anyone about his lycanthropy. “Yes, sir,” he said, and Lily echoed his statement.

Dumbledore seemed to take their hesitation and eye contact as related to the news itself, rather than when it was delivered. “Mr. Lupin’s continued safety at Hogwarts is based upon the privacy of his condition. Can I trust you both to keep it under wraps?” He tilted his head slightly and looked first at Lily, then at Severus.

“Yes, sir,” they both said, and he seemed convinced, because he smiled, nodded, and rose to his feet as if to leave.

It was now or never, Severus thought. He wasn’t about to go to Professor Dumbledore’s office to ask him a question, not when he was trying to fly under his radar. “Professor Dumbledore?”

“Yes, Mr. Snape?” Dumbledore said, turning to look at him over his glasses. 

Severus suddenly felt very small, but he trundled onward. “How did Prof— Mr. Hawke know about Remus?” As far as Severus knew, the only people other than he and Lily that knew were professors, which meant—

“Ah,” Dumbledore sighed, looking rather sad all of a sudden. “I’m afraid that is my fault, Mr. Snape.” He turned to Remus. “I owe you an apology, Mr. Lupin. I told Mr. Hawke of your condition in his capacity as a professor. The professors here at Hogwarts are informed so that they can keep all the students, including you, safe if necessary. I was sadly unaware of Mr. Hawke’s anti-werewolf stance, and did not see the danger in informing him. Again, I apologize, Mr. Lupin.” With that, Dumbledore swept out of the Hospital Wing.

That was curious. Remus had suspected another professor had told Hawke, but that it was Dumbledore? How could he not know the stances of someone he himself hired? Even the second year classes had heard Hawke’s views on werewolves at the very beginning of the year.

Severus was still thinking about Dumbledore’s possible involvement later that week, when all three of them were sitting at the Gryffindor table trying to avoid the stares of everyone in the Great Hall. For once, the company of the other Gryffindor boys was welcome, as they were some of the only students who weren’t acting utterly shocked to be in their presence.

“Oi, Sirius, are you coming to mine this summer?” Potter almost yelled to his best friend sitting right next to him.

“Oi, James, do you think I’m deaf?!” Black responded, quite fairly in Severus’s opinion. “And yes, that’d be swell. I’d invite you to mine, but you’d hate it so much, and you haven’t done anything evil enough to me lately to deserve it.”

“Cheers!” Potter said, only slightly quieter, and then turned to Remus. “Remus, you’re invited too, of course. Christmas was great fun, Dumbledore was right.”

Severus perked up. “What do you mean, Dumbledore was right?”

Potter looked in his direction in confusion, like he had forgotten Severus was even there. It was certainly possible. “Dumbledore mentioned something about a Gryffindor Christmas, before. Gave me the idea to invite Remus too, since Sirius was already coming and Pete lives next door.”

Severus didn’t respond, wheels already turning. Dumbledore had convinced Potter to invite Remus to Christmas. Why had he done that?

It wasn’t for another few weeks, in which exams caused almost as much stress as psychotic poisoners, that Severus put together the puzzle that had been bothering him for some time. He was seated next to Lily on the Hogwarts express, waiting for Remus to find them, when it fell into place. Or at least, it seemed to.

“Lily…” he started, but once she turned to look at him, he wasn’t sure how to continue. The idea was preposterous.

“Yes?” she asked, and if anyone would listen to his harebrained ideas, it was Lily, lovely, open-minded Lily. 

“Dumbledore told Potter to invite Remus for Christmas, right?”

“…yes?”

“What if he did that so Remus would be better friends with them?”

Lily looked at him with her brow furrowed. “Well… then that would be a good thing, wouldn’t it? That he wants them to be better friends?”

“No, Lily, what if… what if Dumbledore wanted him to be better friends with _them_ than us?”

Now Lily looked almost concerned. “Why would he want that?”

“I don’t know!” Severus couldn’t figure that part out, and it was driving him crazy. “But Remus was hanging out with them because of Christmas, and then we didn’t notice he was gone for a couple of days. And Dumbledore _told_ Hawke about Remus. Why would he do that, if not to make him try and hurt him?”

“But what does one have to do with the other?” Lily asked, and then shook her head a little bit as if to clear it. “And before all that, Dumbledore would never get Remus _attacked_. He’s the Headmaster!”

Severus recognized a lost battle when he saw one. He supposed it didn’t make sense, if you didn’t have prior experience with Dumbledore being crafty and convincing and conniving. If you didn’t remember him promising to keep someone safe and alive and then breaking that promise.

If Dumbledore had told Hawke about Remus, and had made sure Remus was closer with the Gryffindors, was he trying to…? Lily was right; this didn’t make sense. 

By the time the Hogwart’s Express pulled into King’s Cross, Severus had moved on from Dumbledore to his parents. His game plan was basically the same as last year’s: get out of the house as much as possible, and lay low when he needed to be there.

Stepping off the train, all three friends began their search for their parents, though Severus knew his mother would be waiting outside in the Muggle side of Kings Cross as usual. Still, he found himself scanning the crowd. Maybe this year she would cross through the barrier.

“Guys?” Remus asked, and both Severus and Lily turned toward him. “My parents actually want to meet you. I’m not sure…” he trailed off, leaving Severus to guess what he wasn’t sure about as he led them to a couple standing back from the rest of the crowd. Severus’s first impression of them was of a striking resemblance to Abraxas and Ambrosia Malfoy, Lucius’s parents. He had only seen them once or twice, at wider Death Eater meetings, and had always been too terrified to approach them, even though Lucius was his envoy into Lord Voldemort’s ranks. A true Lord and Lady, Abraxas was above everyone he deigned to grace with his presence and Ambrosia was glamorous, gorgeous, and completely unapproachable.

As he got closer to Remus’s parents, he saw more than the echoes of the future-past. Lyall Lupin _was_ tall, with an air of superiority that seemed innate, but his clothes were slightly out of fashion and not the overly expensive cloth that his bearing would suggest. Hope Lupin was indeed beautiful and ever so slightly cold, but Severus could see her sneaking glances at the magical world around her, and when she caught sight of Remus her face broke into a smile.

“Mum,” Remus said, embracing her and grinning, “Dad, this is Lily Evans and Severus Snape.”

Severus and Lily both stepped forward to shake hands, and Severus wasn’t that surprised when Mr. Lupin’s handshake was very tight, almost challenging. 

“Hello!” Mrs. Lupin said, still with a hand on her son’s shoulder. “Remus has told me so much about both of you, it’s wonderful to meet you.” She smiled widely, but somehow it didn’t quite reach her eyes, and she glanced sideways at Mr. Lupin, who was frowning.

“Yes. I have something to discuss with both of you, if you’ll follow me.” He turned and swept away, and the rest of the group followed quickly after him almost automatically. When they reached a darker corner away from the noise of the crowd, he turned back to them, face stony. “We received a letter from your Headmaster a few weeks ago, stating that there was an…incident involving Remus’s _affliction_ ,” he forced the word out between his teeth, and Severus felt Remus flinch next to him, “and you two.”

Lily was the first to respond. “Oh! Yes, but it was nothing, really. The teachers did most of the work. And he’s fine now! He scared us for a minute, though.” She trailed off at the look on Mr. Lupin’s face, realizing that she wasn’t on the same page that he was.

“…Yes,” he finally said. “Dumbledore explained that it was unavoidable that you find out about Remus, and assured me that you both were sworn to secrecy. However…” he pulled out a wallet from his pocket. “I realize it is prudent to offer you more of a motive, especially the Sly—“ he turned to Severus, but decided not to finish his sentence, perhaps because of the look on Severus’s face.

Severus glanced at his two friends. Remus was red-faced with embarrassment, looking only at his hands as he picked at the latest scars visible there. Lily was red-faced as well, but Severus saw it for what it was—anger. The tiny Gryffindor looked practically murderous. He needed to get them out of this situation. He cleared his throat. “Sir, that isn’t necessary.”

Mr. Lupin furrowed his brow. “I must insist.” He stepped closer to Severus. “I’m not sure you understand the danger, the _volatility_ \--“

“Yes, sir,” Severus interrupted, imagining steam coming out of Lily’s ears, and wanting this man to stop talking. “We wouldn’t tell anyone Remus’s secret.” Seeing that he wasn’t convinced, he decided to pull out a Slytherin tactic. “Dumbledore put the same warning to us as to him, sir. If we reveal anything it’s expulsion, or at least suspension.” He willed Lily and Remus to stay quiet, please, he was handling this.

Mr. Lupin seemed satisfied, at least. “Well. That’s all very well then. Come on, Remus.” And with that he turned away, already disappearing into the crowd as Remus said hasty goodbyes and apologies and hurried after his parents.

Lily spun around to look at Severus, still viciously angry. “Dumbledore did no such thing! I don’t need to be _threatened_ to protect my friends. Did he say that to you?!”

“No!” Severus wasn’t sure why he was offended—he hadn’t been in the future-past, when Dumbledore had needed to result to threats to keep him quiet. “He wasn’t going to accept loyalty as a reason, Lily. Especially not from a _Slytherin_. And you were—“

“I don’t need your _protection_ , Severus Snape,” Lily snapped, and went to turn away.

Snape scoffed and grabbed her elbow to stop her. “I was protecting _him_ from _you_ , Lily Evans,” he said, using her full name in response. Why had she just assumed that, when he’d been trying so hard to never stand in front of her, always beside her? “I was afraid you were about to curse him out of Kings Cross.”

“Oh.” Lily looked mollified and slightly ashamed. “Sorry, I assumed—but I shouldn’t do that. Come on, let’s go find our parents.”

Was that what had ruined their friendship in the future-past? He had never learned not to visibly protect her, and she had learned to assume he would, and they had never talked about it.

They found Lily’s parents next, as Severus had known they would. Frank Evans grabbed his daughter in his usual bear hug, grunting melodramatically when he lifted her up. “You’ve gotten so big! What are they feeding you, huh? Pudding, morning noon and night?”

Mrs. Evans tutted from beside him as she hugged her daughter was well. “They better not be.” She smiled at Lily, then frowned and rubbed at a grease mark on her arm. “Oh, Lily, you’ve ruined this shirt.”

“Sorry, Mum,” Lily said contritely, so much quieter than she had been when yelling at Severus just minutes ago. 

“Your Mum outside again?” Mr. Evans asked Severus, grabbing Lily’s trunk. “I wonder that she doesn’t come in, these people must be who she went to school with! Like a high school reunion every year.” He laughed loudly at his own joke as his wife hushed him and talked rapidly in his ear.

Severus had often wondered the same, and when they got outside and he found his mother, he decided to risk it and ask her. He had to take advantage of the time that he had before going back to the house.

“Mum?” he asked softly as they walked out to the car, “Why don’t you come onto the platform? Would you—do you know people that are there, other parents?” At the look on her face he wanted to take the question back, but it was out there now.

She was quiet for long seconds before answering. “I suppose I might. Know people there. Your father—“ she stopped, gripping the steering wheel tight enough to turn her knuckles white. “I haven’t kept in contact with any of my school friends. Your father and I decided to live more formally in the M-muggle world, to make things easier for you.” She nodded firmly, as if that was the end of that, and focused once more on the road in front of her.

It hadn’t escaped Severus’s notice that the one Wizarding term she had used, Muggle, she had stumbled over. He had learned long ago to say ‘school’ instead of ‘Hogwarts’, ‘sport’ instead of ‘Quidditch’, but the switch from Magical to Muggle, from Severus to Toby, had always washed over him like a cold shower, making him vaguely nauseous. Now, after a few years of not making the switch, the shower had become more like a ton of bricks, knocking the breath out of him.

They arrived home, Severus quickly taking all of his belongings up to his room and unpacking immediately, making sure everything was put exactly where it was supposed to be before he hid his Hogwarts trunk, with his textbooks, school clothes, and wand, in the back of his closet. It would stay there until August. He had already finished his summer work, apart from the final checks that he would do once he got back to school. He sat on his bed, looking at his reassembled room. A twin bed, a small table next to it with a lamp and an empty space he would fill with library books as soon as he could. A dresser filled with just his Muggle clothes, a few trinkets on top. A photo of him and Lily, frozen for the summer, had always taken pride of place, but now there was one of him, Lily and Remus alongside it.

He needed to go downstairs and greet his father, start his summer as Toby, but Severus stalled a few more minutes, realigning everything on the top of his dresser and making sure his trunk was as hidden as possible. Finally, he couldn’t avoid it any longer, and made his way quietly down the stairs.

The first month and a half of the summer were the same as the year before, though Severus’s plan didn’t exactly go to, well, plan. He avoided the house whenever possible, walking to Lily’s house or the park or the library and spending most of his day there, having packed a cheese sandwich for lunch. But when he needed to be in the house he was having more trouble than usual laying low. It was like the Farringtons all over again. Try as he might, he couldn’t replicate his apathetic façade quite as well. He couldn’t help the flash of anger in his eyes when his father mocked his Magical heritage. He couldn’t help the instinct to jump up and between his parents when his father decided something hadn’t been done right, something hadn’t been done fast enough, why did he bother dealing with freaks for a wife and son when they couldn’t be arsed to do anything in return?

As a result, by the end of July he had collected a few more bruises than he usually had. The normal bits around his ribs he was used to, and of course the slight tenderness on the back of his head. But the circle of bruises around his wrist was courtesy of a moment when he had forgotten, just for an instant, that his name was anything but Severus, and hadn’t responded to his name being called. The purple splotch over his tailbone was from the kitchen table, or maybe it was the dining room table the day after.

He was at Lily’s house one day in mid-August, and she was acting more nervous than usual. Severus thought it was a reaction to him in some way, but all of his bruises were covered, and he was trying hard to act the same way that he did at Hogwarts.

“So my parents had a surprise for me a couple of days ago,” she said finally, her tone changing slightly from the small talk they had been exchanging before.

“Something for Third Year?” Severus wracked his brain, trying to remember this happening in the future-past. Or was this the past-past, since it had already happened in both places? No, that was too confusing.

“No, for this summer. We’re going on holiday to France, just for the last two weeks before school starts,” Lily looked at him in anticipation, waiting for his reaction and twirling a strand of her hair rapidly around a finger.

Severus’s reaction was entirely silent. He worked hard for it to be. There were two reasons this was bad news. The first one was the one Lily could probably guess, because if Lily’s family wasn’t at home, he had far fewer excuses to be outside his own house. Lily hadn’t questioned him too much about using her as an excuse, for which he was grateful. But that problem was much less important, under the circumstances. After all, he didn’t need to tell his parents that Lily was gone—he could just spend the extra time at the park or the library, as usual.

The bigger problem was that Severus was relatively sure this hadn’t happened in the future-past-past, and the bigger problem had sub-problems. Either Severus wasn’t remembering accurately, which did not bode well for the rest of his recollections being accurate, or something was different this time. Sure, things were different at school, because Severus had done different things and made different choices. But how could he have done something that would affect the decisions of Lily’s parents? Either his changes were having far greater influences than he intended, or this wasn’t _quite_ the same timeline, meaning he couldn’t depend on any of his future-past knowledge for sure.

“Sev?” Lily tried, and he realized he’d been quiet for a little too long.

He let the familiarity of that nickname wash over him as he set aside the bigger problem to deal with later. “That sounds like fun, I’m glad. When are you leaving?”

Lily seemed to accept that he wasn’t going to talk about any of the problems, though her eyes narrowed slightly. “In a couple of days. Thus the ‘Surprise!’. It means we can’t go meet Remus in Diagon Alley, either, because I won’t be back in time. I don’t know why they thought it should be a surprise. Tuney didn’t even know, she’s furious that she’s missing a party or something.”

Severus, with his new information from this year about the relationship between Lily and her sister, had been observing Petunia more carefully this summer with little to no success. She was three years older than Lily, fully into her teenage years, and was in her room at all times. The few times he had seen her, she had wrinkled her nose in distaste and walked the other direction. Severus was used to people having this reaction to him, but he sensed it had less to do with him and more to do with Lily’s friends in general.

He left Lily’s that day deeply in thought. He wouldn’t be telling his parents that Lily’s family was gone, that was for sure. But he really needed to do everything possible to mitigate the second issue. If he was forgetting things, he needed to write everything down. If things were changing, he needed to do some research on alternate timelines.

 

* * * * * * *  
* * * * * * *

 

The next week or so went to plan. He still ‘went to Lily’s house’ every few days and he wrote in a small notebook, hidden in his Hogwarts trunk, deep into the night, cataloguing everything he could remember about the future-past. Then one day, his father came home from the pub angrier than he usually was. Severus was sitting at the kitchen table, finishing up a late dinner, but as soon as Tobias walked in, he quietly excused himself. Nothing good would come of being in the same room as his father right now. But before he could leave, his father slammed the fridge door, holding a beer and locking eyes with Severus.

“Quite a _fun_ conversation I had with Dan today, Toby.”

Severus turned to face his father, not too quickly but not too slowly, and looked somewhere below his eyes. “Yes, sir?”

Tobias took a swig of his beer and stalked closer. “He was complaining about Frank Evans, your little friend’s father. Apparently he up and left on a moments notice, off on holiday, and now Dan has to do all of his work as well as his own.”

Severus froze, a rabbit in the face of a snarling wolf. He tried to vocalize something, maybe an apology, but no words would emerge. He had counted on his father’s limited social circle to keep his lies safe. Stupid.

“I, personally, thought it was curious,” Tobias continued, taking a seat at the table and picking up the other half of Severus’s sandwich, “since I know you’ve been over at their house three times this week already,” he finished the sandwich, fixing Severus with furious eyes. “Well? Are you going to say anything? Or just stand there like a fool?”

Severus cleared his throat, trying to get his voice to work. “Yes, sir. I mean—“ he tried again. The only way out of this was a sincere apology and some grovelling. “I’m sorry, sir. I should not have disrespected you like that.”

“Damn right!” Tobias yelled, suddenly standing and millimetres from his son’s face. “Lying right to my face, you were. Made a fool of me!”

Severus would not mention that no one but Tobias knew he had been lying, so he hadn’t made a fool of him. Severus would not move, would not twitch, would simply continue apologizing. “I’m sorry, sir.”

Tobias’s hand came out and connected with Severus’s throat, shoving him hard into the wall and leaving him coughing helplessly, trying not to double over.

“Look at me when I’m talking to you,” Tobias insisted, and Severus pried his eyes open to look at his father’s murderous gaze. Things like this hadn’t happened until fourth year last time, and Severus could only blame his own stupidity, trying to keep a lie going here. He found out, he always found out somehow.

Another shove, this time to his chest, and Severus was being held against the wall like a rag doll, Tobias breathing hard. Perhaps trying to get himself under control.

“Tobias?” his mother said fearfully, walking into the kitchen. Perhaps she had been drawn by the noise—his head had made a rather loud sound when it had connected with the wall, the second time. Wait, which Tobias was she talking to? Suddenly his father’s hand was gone, and he sagged, trying to remain upright.

“And of course you knew too. Both of you, making me into a fool.” Tobias strode quickly to his wife, grabbing her arm and pushing her to the floor.

“Tobias, please, tell me what this is about? I’m not sure what you’re talking about.” His mother sounded calm, so calm, sitting on the floor holding her arm, looking up at her husband.

Severus stared at them, blinking, trying to clear the memories from in front of his eyes. His mother on the floor in the corner, but her arms were by her sides, her eyes glassy and empty. His father standing over her, always over her, turning slowly to face Severus. Three seconds of eye contact, more than Severus had dared in years, and then his father was gone, striding past him out of the kitchen and out of the house. Severus blinked once more, and it was gone. His mother was talking, she was speaking, she was ok. He was only 13 and it wasn’t time yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the section break: Tobias comes home, and he's found out that Lily's family is away and Severus was lying to him. He hurts Severus, pushing him against a wall, and when Severus's mother comes in, he pushes her to the floor. Severus flashes back to another time in the future-past when he saw them like that, but reassures himself that he's only 13, so it's not time for that to happen yet.


	13. Mediwitches and Muggles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! Trigger warnings for reference to the child abuse from the last chapter and for a bit of implied suicidal thoughts. Self-hate is a must, as usual. He's getting better though! He's growing up. Thank you, [LifeShouldBeAMusical](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LifeShouldBeAMusical), you are the light of my life. Happy reading!

Lily couldn’t go to Diagon Alley that year, which meant that Severus couldn’t either. Luckily, he already knew how to owl-order all the books and supplies he needed, although he had to get cheaper things than usual to offset the cost.

This also meant that the next time he saw his two best friends was on the Hogwart’s Express. He had changed into robes as soon as he got on the train, eager to be out of his Muggle clothes, out of his Muggle life. Robes also meant it was acceptable to have long sleeves and high collars in the summertime. He got to the area they usually sat in and looked around, but he found Black, Potter, and Pettigrew first. He made eye contact with Potter, and turned to walk quickly away.

“Hey, Snape!”

Severus turned to see that Potter had exited his compartment and followed him a little ways down the hallway. What did he want? “Yes, Potter?”

Potter didn’t stop until they were only a meter or two apart, and spoke in a lowered voice. “I wanted to tell you that Hawke was admitted to the Mental Health ward at St. Mungo’s—I don’t know if you or Remus or Evans heard, because I didn’t know until my father told me over the summer.”

Severus nodded slowly. “You wanted me to tell them for you?”

“I mean…” Potter raised a hand to the back of his head self-consciously, “…yeah, but I wanted you to know too. My father looked into it, because I told him about all of the stuff that happened at the end of last year. It made me feel better to know that he wasn’t roaming the streets, I guess.”

Potter wanted him to feel better? How odd. “Thank you,” Severus said stiffly, and turned to walk away again, this time successfully. The next compartment he came to had Remus and Lily inside, and he entered and sat down with a whoosh of breath. That was two almost-civilized conversations with Potter.

“Hey, Sev!” Lily greeted him loudly and with a smile, reaching over to hug him. 

He returned it, laughing slightly. “I saw you barely two weeks ago, you know.”

“Well yes, I know, but I’m excited! We’re third years, after all. Plus, I was a little worried about you.”

Remus, who hadn’t spoken yet, commented, “He can probably survive two weeks without you, Lily. He did it for almost 11 years, after all.” Grinning, he turned to Severus. “Hello, by the way.”

“Hello,” Severus returned with a half-smile. It was good to be here, heading back to Hogwarts with his two friends, heading out of his Tobias life and into his Severus one.

They spent the rest of the train ride discussing their new classes. They still had Potions, Transfiguration, and Defense together as usual, but electives were always up in the air, a mix of all the houses so that everyone’s schedules would make sense. The only other class they might all have together was Ancient Runes, and while the odds that Lily and Remus, both Gryffindors, would overlap was good, Severus would have a very different timetable. By the time they were walking toward the Great Hall, Severus had figured out all the possible permutations of people in each class, and was not pleased with the probabilities. Odds were, he wouldn’t end up with Remus or Lily in most of his classes.

Lost in thought, he ran into an older student and was buffeted to the side into the wall, hitting his head. He winced and groaned as the movement jarred all of his bruises, and his vision flickered as his head throbbed where it had been hit against walls too often in the recent past. He thought he smoothed his face out in time, but when he looked back at Remus and Lily they were both looking at him worriedly.

“I’m fine,” he assured him, but apparently his voice was a bit too weak, or faltered a bit too much, because something in Lily’s eyes flashed and both his friends began to guide him to a side hallway.

“We’re going to miss the Opening Feast,” he protested, but they were having none of it.

“If we go in there, we’ll have to sit at different tables because it’s a special occasion,” Lily pointed out, “and now you have me wanting to keep an eye on you. Are you hurt again?”

Remembering his promise not to lie to them, at least not when he could help it, Severus nodded.

“Merlin, I’ll _kill_ those Slytherins,” she replied angrily, turning away as if she expected to find the Farringtons in the corner.

“No,” Remus said, and Severus knew he had spotted the flaw in that story. “He hasn’t even seen any Slytherins yet, Lily. He’s been with us the whole time.”

“Oh,” Lily said, turning back to Severus. “You got those…at home?” 

Severus could see a sudden fear in her eyes, but he couldn’t reassure her very much. “It’s just a couple of bruises. I lied to my father, and he got mad at me for it, is all.” He couldn’t lie to her, but he wouldn’t have her pitying him. He couldn’t deal with that. The looks from people in the Muggle world were bad enough, when they spotted his house or his clothes or when they knew his father.

“Where are you hurt?” Remus asked, and Severus was thankful for his rather business-like tone. Perhaps it came from being a werewolf, the clinical approach to dealing with wounds. 

“My wrist, my collarbone, my head. It’ll go away, it’s just aches and pains,” Severus said quickly.

“Your head?” Remus asked, and his voice was quieter, more dangerous. “Come on, we’re going to the Hospital Wing.

“No, really, I’m ok,” Severus protested. “It’s been almost a week anyway, they’re all healing.”

“I don’t care, Sev, you don’t mess around with head pain. We’re going to see Madame Pomfrey.” He wasn’t physically pulling him, but his tone brooked no argument.

“No!” Severus argued anyway. “I’ve never gone to the Hospital Wing for…” he trailed off, but got his wind back at the look of fierce determination in Remus’s eyes. “And I’m not going to start now! I’m _fine_ , Remus.”

“No, you’re not!” Remus yelled back, and now Lily looked worried, looking between the two boys like they were about to start a fistfight in a quiet corridor. Remus took a breath and glanced at her, stepping back. “You would be so mad if I ever avoided going to the Hospital Wing after the moon,” he said, and now his tone was cajoling, persuasive.

Severus opened his mouth to dispute that—it was Remus’s choice to go to the Hospital Wing, after all—but he hesitated for a moment too long, and that was enough to vindicate Remus.

Severus looked at Lily, using up a small hope that she would take his side, but Lily was looking at him with so much worry that he knew he had lost. And really, he was a little dizzy right now.

“Fine,” he said, and the plan in his mind unthreaded as a new one emerged. “You two go on to the Feast, and I’ll go to the Hospital Wing.” He could heal some of the bruises himself, and tell them he’d gone, and then he could go and see Madame Pomfrey a few days later when he could blame it on the Farringtons or a moving staircase or something like that. Nodding to himself, he looked at Lily, who had crossed her arms stubbornly, and at Remus, who had one eyebrow raised in extreme doubt.

Ten minutes later, all three of them were in the Hospital Wing, although Severus had managed to put his two friends on the other side of the curtain from him and a wand-waving, diagnostic-running Madame Pomfrey.

“I just hit my head against the wall,” he said quietly, hoping Remus couldn’t hear him. How long ago was the moon? Did he still have heightened senses?

“I know, dear, you said, but I always run a full diagnostic near the beginning of the year. Never know what I’ve missed over the summer!” Madame Pomfrey’s voice was cheerful, almost overly, but Severus could tell that her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes, and the quill hovering next to her jotting down results was scratching hurriedly.

Finally, the quill stopped, and she turned to face him. “Alright, Mr. Snape. I’ll go ahead and heal you, but I have to talk to you about some of these injuries first. Do you want your friends to leave?”

She had to talk to him about these injuries? What did that mean? Severus quickly weighed his options. He could send Remus and Lily away, but they’d just poke and prod him for an explanation later anyway, and he had promised not to lie to them. It just made more sense for them to hear everything too. This had nothing to do with the fact that he kind of wanted them there, not at all. “They can come in,” he said after a moment, and Madame Pomfrey nodded, pulling open the curtain and letting his friends inside.

“So your injuries are worrisome,” she began, and Severus immediately started to regret this decision. “You have bruising on your torso and on your throat, which you no doubt knew. You have bruising on your wrist, but the damage is a little bit deeper than that—some of the bones were ground together, and I’ll need to set them. The only other thing is your head.”

“I hit it on the wall a little while ago,” Severus insisted again.

“I believe you, I definitely see some fresh damage. But there’s also proof of a concussion from over a week ago, and maybe some more damage before that, Mr. Snape.”

A concussion. Well, that explained the dizzy spells and the vomiting, Severus supposed. That explained a lot.

“I’ll need to take images of your injuries before I heal them,” Madame Pomfrey said calmly, but Severus felt anything but calm. “And I’m afraid I am required to send a report of these injuries to the Child Protection Department of the DMLE.”

The concussion wasn’t causing his hearing to go, was it? No, the Mediwitch wasn’t quieter, he was just louder. His heartbeat, his breathing, the blood rushing through his brain, everything was so loud that he could barely hear her speak.

“You can’t!” he managed to say, forcing himself to focus with a huge effort. “I mean, you don’t need to. I’m fine, I just fell when I was at home.”

“I’m sorry, young man, but I’m required to report any injuries that happen before you arrive at Hogwarts, and several of these are definitely more than four hours old. I’m especially required to report _untreated_ injuries.”

“They’re not untreated!” Severus insisted, diving for the loophole she had handed him. “My parents were worried,” as if they had noticed, “and they took me to the hospital,” as if they had taken him somewhere together in years, “and they checked everything out. But they were Muggles,” he added as an afterthought, “so they couldn’t heal it right away.”

“Mr. Snape,” Madame Pomfrey said, sitting in the chair next to his bed and putting her hand on the mattress, close enough that he could feel the warmth of her hand but far enough that she was in no danger of touching him. “I’m required to report it either way. But they want to help, you know. Sometimes it helps for adults to know.”

Never before in this new timeline had Severus wanted to share his secret, but now he really, really did. I’m an adult, he screamed at her silently. I’m at least 21, maybe older, and I can _handle_ it.

Madame Pomfrey kept speaking, but he couldn’t quite parse her words, the noise in his head rising again. Being in this timeline, this second chance, was like falling down a dark hole in the ground. He was falling down, knowing that someday he’d _splat_ against the ground, and his only job was to help his friends fall slower. To slow Lily’s fall, to slow Remus’s fall. People kept reaching out their hands from the sides to catch him, but didn’t they know that he couldn’t take them? At first he was always grabbing at free hands, scrabbling for purchase, but people couldn’t support themselves and him. Eventually they would let go. Maybe they would push him a bit faster. And that was ok, that was fine, because he deserved this hole, his hole. He deserved to fall and fall and fall and never stand on solid ground again, and he could fall down this hole, he could. He could sacrifice himself for his friends, and he could fall without anyone noticing, if they’d only stop paying attention to him. They were there right now, staring at him, watching him. Looking at him. Stop looking, stop looking, stop looking, it’s my hole, it’s my fall.

Just stop.

Severus vaguely registered the taste of Dreamless Sleep on his tongue before the world faded to black.

When Severus awoke, it was to the gumminess of his eyelids and a feeling of cotton in his mouth and his head. Blinking rapidly, the Hospital Wing came into focus, and he levered himself up slowly in bed, trying to get his bearings. The curtains around his bed were drawn, hiding the rest of the room from view, but Lily was asleep in the chair next to his bed, her head on her arms on his mattress, red hair splayed out chaotically. Severus was cataloguing that Remus was nowhere to be seen when he appeared, parting the curtain just enough to walk in with a glass of water and what looked like a piece of candy.

“Hello,” Remus said, rather too casually in Severus’s opinion. “I brought you a lozenge and some water, Dreamless Sleep always makes my mouth taste horrible afterward.”

That’s right, Remus spent a lot of time in the Hospital Wing. After handing Severus the things he was carrying, he settled down in a chair, pulled out a book, and began to read.

Severus stared at him for a moment, his need for answers warring with his intense desire to never talk about anything every again. He drank some water and put the lozenge in his mouth, pleasantly surprised by the lemony flavor, and still the war raged on.

The lozenge was almost gone by the time he gave up. “What’s happening?” he asked.

Remus looked up as if surprised, although a corner of his mouth twitched, giving away his lies. He had sat there waiting, knowing Severus would have to say something eventually. “You’ve been asleep for roughly 18 hours. Madame Pomfrey took the images and then healed everything, including the concussion. We don’t have classes until tomorrow, so she said you could stay until then, or you can go back to the dorms after dinner tonight. No one else has been in here, and Lily and I haven’t left. Madame Pomfrey checked almost an hour ago, so she should be by again soon.”

Severus took a moment to marvel at the fact that Remus had answered all the questions he actually had without hearing them at all. Then again, he _was_ in here all the time. He certainly had experience with what one wondered when waking up in the Hospital Wing.

“She also needs to talk to you again about the report,” Remus added, his tone of afterthought undermined by the nervous way he was picking at his fingernails.

“It’s just a misunderstanding,” Severus said, knowing he needed to try again to convince them. “I fell, and they— I’m—“

Suddenly, Remus sat up, leaning toward the bed, eyes blazing and hands done with their nervous fidgeting. “Don’t lie to me, Severus.”

“I’m not—“

“You have bruises on your ribs, on your wrist from someone pulling you. On your _neck_ , Sev,” Remus said, still quietly but gaining in intensity. “Do you know what a concussion _is_? It’s your brain bouncing around inside your skull so hard that it gets _hurt_.” Just as suddenly as he had sat forward, Remus sat back again, letting out a huge breath but still looking directly at Severus. “You don’t have to tell us, you don’t have to explain. You don’t have to talk about it ever, if you don’t want to. But please don’t lie to me.” Remus took a deep breath and looked away from Severus at last.

“…ok,” Severus finally said, and when Remus gave him the smallest of smiles in response, he decided something. He decided to trust that this boy, his friend, could be his ally just because Severus asked. That he could be on his side because of their friendship, no plans involved.

He decided to ask for help.

“Madame Pomfrey can’t— she shouldn’t—“ 

“She’s saved my life more than a couple times. More than a couple ways,” Remus added as an afterthought, though he glanced at Severus quickly as he said it. “You can trust her.”

“I know,” Severus replied, trying to figure out how to phrase this. “I mean… if the Ministry or St. Mungo’s or anyone showed up at my house, things would be… bad.” He left the ending vague, and as a huge understatement, but from the look on Remus’s face, he understood.

“Ok,” Remus said slowly, contemplating. “Would Muggles be better?”

“What?” Severus asked, surprised.

“It was Lily’s idea, actually. She thought that Madame Pomfrey could send the report to the Muggle equivalent of the Child Protection Department. She’d still be sending a report, although it would have to be anonymous because of the Statute.” Remus was speaking in a very businesslike tone, and Severus had never been more thankful for his calmer friend.

“That would be… better,” Severus said finally, the wheels turning. An anonymous report to the Muggles might just get filed away somewhere, after all. He had known several children in primary school whose families were inspected and then left alone from then on.

“Great,” Remus said, smiling wider now. “Madame Pomfrey already said she could probably do it, so we can ask her when she comes back in. Should we wake Lily?”

Later that day, the trio left the Hospital Wing. Madame Pomfrey had accepted the adjustment gracefully when Severus made his preferences clear, and Lily had been strangely calm through the rest of the day. Maybe nothing would need to change because of this.

 

The rest of the first month of his second third year went rather well, all things considered. He didn’t have Care of Magical Creatures with either of them, but he had Arithmancy with Remus and Ancient Runes with both of them, so the probabilities were on his side. Severus had someone to sit with in half his classes, and he was thrilled with the development.

Of course, other people were in those classes too. Arithmancy was with Remus, but also with Black and one of Lily’s roommates, Alice. _She_ had possibly, probably, made a promise to Lily to keep Severus company, because she was sitting and talking and being friendly in both Arithmancy and Care of Magical Creatures, as well as during the core subjects with Slytherin/Gryffindor students. She was actually rather good company, if a little too intense for Severus’s liking, but even her Lily-pledged friendliness couldn’t distract from the surprise that was Black. Black, sitting and talking with Remus and Severus normally. Black, focusing on the lesson and learning things. Black, being _good_ at Arithmancy. At this rate, the end of the world would come and he would be invited into their study group.

Care of Magical Creatures wasn’t much less odd. In addition to the always-amiable Alice, there was a full complement of Ravenclaws, one of whom Alice also seemed to have adopted and the other two of which seemed to be completely off their rockers in various ways. Lovegood was nutty, Dolohov was psychopathic, as Severus clearly remembered from the future-past, and Frank’s first words to Severus and Alice had been, “The two other people from my house are a crackpot and a villain, can I sit here?” Severus couldn’t really blame him.

All this new socialization seemed to be spreading to other members of their odd little extended friend group, namely, the rest of the Gryffindor boys. They seemed to be oscillating between banding together to annoy their new classmates and splitting apart over new friendships. And though Severus could barely keep track of the drama, it caused enough commotion that he forgot about his Muggle troubles, for a while.

Mostly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I really went through all the characters and assigned them electives and split them into classes. No, I'm not even done yet. What can I say, I'm incapable of winging it.


	14. Doctors and Disclosure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, another character gets to be called by their first name. Which one will it be? Trigger warnings for: hospitals, talk about abuse, suicidal thoughts. Someone give these kids a hug. Thanks to my medical source, Garold, who hasn't started medical school yet and who _also_ hasn't started the Harry Potter books. And of course, all of the thanks to my lovely beta [LifeShouldBeAMusical](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LifeShouldBeAMusical)! Happy reading!

Even though Severus and Lily were both taking Care of Magical Creatures, they weren’t in the same class. The only other Gryffindor in Lily’s class was Potter, who apparently took every opportunity to annoy her as much as possible. Lily also had Divination with only one other Gryffindor, Black, and was apparently ignored by him at all times. In contrast to this was Remus, who had Divination with Potter and Pettigrew and couldn’t get them to stop goofing off and talking to him, and Arithmancy with Black, who he was getting along with swimmingly.

It was this last class that caused so many of the complications. Severus had noticed last year that Remus was closer to Black than any of the other Gryffindor boys. Black was the one who had known Remus’s schedule better, last year when he was kidnapped. And now Black was the one spending the most time with Remus and his trio. 

This all led to some awkward seating arrangements at the Gryffindor table. Lily was avoiding Potter and Black, sitting as far away from them as possible. With Remus and Black having a friendly conversation in the middle and Severus stuck in between, he was left wishing he was sitting at the Slytherin table more often than not.

It was the week of the full moon in October, and Remus, Lily, and Severus were sitting at their normal table in the library, when the drama between their trio and Black, Potter, and Pettigrew began to come to a head. Severus was looking over Lily’s Care of Magical Creatures essay as she did the same to his, when Remus cleared his throat warily.

“So, Sirius might show up today.” He said it casually, but carefully, tiptoeing around the active volcano that was his friends’ opinions of Black. Severus just looked back at him, but Lily replied.

“Why?” she asked, and Severus could tell that she was not aiming for politeness.

“Severus and I are the only people, other than Alice, that he knows in Arithmancy. He wants to study with us.” When Lily and Severus just looked at him, he sighed. “Give it a try, please, and be nice?”

Severus nodded, beginning to worry. If he wasn’t nice to Black, what would the consequences be? He was still weighing the cost of ignoring the obnoxious Gryffindor like he wanted to when, speak of the devil, he walked up to their table, smiling at Remus and grimacing at the other occupants of the table.

“Hey Remus,” he greeted, and when Remus flicked his eyes over to Severus and Lily and raised an eyebrow, he reluctantly added, “Evans. Snape.”

“Black,” Severus and Lily said simultaneously, and Severus had to suppress the grin he wanted to share with his friend at their unison, monotone response.

Remus groaned, putting both his hands over his face, which caused Black to chuckle as he took the seat next to him and started pulling out books.

“Can you look over these Arithmancy problems? I’ve done half of them and I’m not sure if they’re correct,” Sirius said to Remus, sliding a sheet of parchment toward him.

Remus took his hands from his face and glanced over at Black, then at the parchment, smiling slightly. “I haven’t started them yet,” he said, and then looked at Severus, who sent him a warning glare that wasn’t heeded. “Severus has, though, you should ask him.”

Black narrowed his eyes at Remus, maybe doubting his word, but he couldn't prove anything and slowly swiveled in his seat to look at Severus instead. “Snape?” he asked, clearly hoping this single word would communicate his request.

Severus was still warring with the desire to hex Black into submission, and he certainly wasn’t going to let him get away with not fully voicing a request. “Black?” he responded, trying to go for the exact same tone of voice.

“Alright, no,” Remus said, clapping his hands together once and fixing both of them with a sarcastic glare. “I’m instigating a first name rule. No more Black and Snape. And Evans,” he added, glancing over at Lily.

Sirius looked to him incredulously. “Remus, isn’t it just easier for us all to ignore each other? It’s certainly easier for me to ignore—“ Black didn’t finish his sentence, but turned to look at Severus with an arrogant look.

Remus sent a fierce glare toward Black. “You can’t be friends with me and not be friends with _them_ ,” he said, and Severus recognized his angry library voice—where he wanted to be loud, but couldn’t be. “You get to choose, Sirius. They’re my best friends, and you’re either friendly with all of us, or none of us.”

Black was looking at Remus with a disgruntled and perhaps slightly hurt expression. Severus was looking at Remus gratefully, flashing back against his will to the future-past where Remus would have chosen Black above him without even a _first_ thought. He watched a silent showdown between Black and Remus, and knew that Black would be stupid not to acquiesce. Remus’s friendship was certainly worth calling a rival by their first name. 

Finally, Black lowered his eyes slightly and turned toward Severus again. “Severus,” he said, still not voicing the question about homework. But this wasn’t a question, it was a hand offered. Half of a cease fire agreement.

“You obviously don’t have the same ultimatum, Sev, but I’m tired of the drama,” Remus told him, and Severus was suddenly over the moon with happiness. He could refuse to be friendly with Black, could continue to call him by his last name with all the things that symbolized, and Remus would still be his best mate. Remus was giving him this choice, and part of him wanted to shut out this traitor, this murderer, forever.

But all that he had changed in this timeline had been because of friendships made or altered. Animosity, persuasion, trickery, those had done nothing. But the more friends, real friends, Severus acquired, the better things seemed to be getting. Maybe he could become friends with Sirius Black and change the future. Maybe he could save lives, in this one moment.

“Sirius,” he responded, only tripping over the name slightly, reaching across the table and pulling the Arithmancy equations toward him to look over.

The rest of their study session went well, although they all avoided names as much as possible, and Severus began to think that even if he could never appreciate Black—Sirius—as a person, he could certainly appreciate him as a study partner. All of his Arithmancy answers had been correct, but done in a slightly different way than Severus’s. He hesitantly would say that looking at it helped him understand their current homework better, although he would never say it to Black or anyone that knew him. In fact, they were still talking about Arithmancy when they walked out of the library toward lunch, although Black split from the group when they headed toward the Slytherin table.

From then on, Sirius—because Severus had realized that he had trouble _calling_ him Sirius if he was Black in his head—became a part of meal conversation between Severus, Remus, and Lily, even though they stuck strictly to academics. Sirius really seemed to be making at effort, asking Severus about Potions and Lily about Charms, almost as if he had been coached by Remus. It was certainly possible.

The rest of Sirius’s trio did not follow his example, as Potter continued to harass Lily fairly regularly and ignore Severus, and Pettigrew copied his every move. This was actually causing friction between Sirius and Potter, the inseparable duo, and Severus was trying not to be pleased by this, by the fact that him ‘befriending’ Sirius pulled him away from Potter. _This_ had been Severus’s plan all along, after all, befriending someone to break up the friendships that would doom the future. Of course, it was supposed to be Lily and not Sirius that changed things, but he would take any plan that worked at this point.

It was a few weeks into this new unbalanced balance that Severus was called to Dumbledore’s office in the middle of History of Magic. Professor Binns didn’t even stop speaking as he grabbed his stuff and left. Severus hadn’t spoken to Dumbledore on his own since arriving back through time, and his stomach did backflips as he made his way to the Headmaster’s Office. What could Severus have done? In the future-past, he hadn’t been pulled into the office at all other than the incident in fifth year, and even then Dumbledore had almost ignored him. When he had arrived in his office, soaked and sobbing, with news of the prophecy and the Dark Lord’s conclusions, it had been as if he was meeting the man for the first time.

He reached the gargoyles and looked down at the slip of paper Professor Binns had handed him. “Ice Mice,” he said, feeling utterly idiotic, and stepped onto the moving staircase. The last time he had been here, Dumbledore had extracted a Vow from him in return for Lily’s safety, and Severus had believed him. He had trusted him. Merlin, he _hated_ this man, almost as much as he hated himself, for what had happened to Lily. What good was an all-powerful leader of the Light if he couldn’t protect one woman?

Severus stepped into the office and made eye contact with said wizard for a moment before he had to drop his first. He knew the old man was a master Occlumens, and he wasn’t about to give up all his plans that easily.

He was also almost unable to meet the piercing eyes that said he knew everything, knew all Severus’s secrets. He wondered if Dumbledore did a spell to make them look like that.

“Mr. Snape. Have a seat, please. Toffee?”

Severus looked at the bowl held out to him and shook his head, taking a seat on the very edge of the chair and staring at the ground.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news, Mr. Snape.”

At that, Severus looked up at him, although he still tried to avoid direct eye contact. “Oh?” he asked, needing more details right now but not wanting to give Dumbledore any information he didn’t already have.

“Your mother is in the hospital.” Dumbledore held up a hand as if to stem the flow of Severus’s inevitable questioning. “I know no more details than that, I’m afraid, but of course we will help you travel to see her as soon as possible. There are a few complications with that, though.”

“Complications?” Severus asked, his mind only half with this conversation. His mother was in the hospital? This hadn’t happened in the future-past. Had he changed something and gotten her hurt? This was too early, she couldn’t die until—

“Yes, Mr. Snape. I’ve also received word that your father was arrested, and we cannot let you travel outside the school without some kind of adult supervision.”

His father was arrested?

“To that end, I’d like to ask whether you have any relatives near where you live, hopefully some that know about the Wizarding World, or another adult you’re comfortable with.”

His father was _arrested_?

“Of course, we can send a teacher with you, but that would be slightly more complex. Do you have an adult we could contact on your behalf?”

What had his father been _arrested_ for? Had he been drinking too much again, or been in a fight? Had he _hurt_ her? Was he the reason she was—

“Mr. Snape?”

Severus snapped back to the present, trying to focus on the question being asked. An adult they could ask on his behalf? A relative, or something who knew about magic….

“Frank and Violet Evans?” he asked quietly. He didn’t particularly want them to be involved in all of this, but they were the only adults he could think of that would be nearby and knew about the Wizarding World.

“Miss Lily Evan’s parents?” Dumbledore asked, and Severus nodded. “Certainly, I will send them a message immediately. You have no other relatives?”

Severus shook his head, still thinking about his father, but after a minute he looked back at the Headmaster. That question had been in a slightly different tone. One of… curiosity, rather than concern. But Dumbledore wasn’t looking at him, sketching a quick note to the Evans household and sending it off with his phoenix.

“I took the liberty of also asking if they’d be willing to let Miss Evans accompany you. They are her parents, after all, and thus can take her out of Hogwarts without any fuss over permissions.”

Now that Lily knew something of his home and his parents, Severus was loathe to have her anywhere near this situation, but he also desperately wanted her as a buffer between him and her parents. “I’d like her to come, sir,” he said, trying hard to keep his voice calm and polite. He would take the same tack with Dumbledore as he did with Slughorn. Quiet competence and polite, meaningless talk. Don’t be interesting, don’t be worrying. Be overlooked.

“Very well,” Dumbledore said, writing a quick note and placing it on a tray on his desk, where it disappeared. “She is in Charms, is she not? Professor Flitwick should send her shortly.”

Severus nodded, and the two wizards sat in silence—awkward for Severus, though Dumbledore acted as though it was companionable, or perhaps solemn—until Lily arrived on the revolving staircase, slightly out of breath. She saw Severus and let out a whooshing breath, coming to sit down next to him.

“Sir?” she asked, directing the question at Dumbledore, though she glanced at Severus in worry. He supposed he might look worrying, since he was probably pale and definitely in a slightly different world.

“Miss Evans, Mr. Snape needs to leave Hogwarts briefly today, and requested that your parents be his temporary chaperones. Therefore, you can leave with him if you wish.” Dumbledore turned his eyes to Severus, ostensibly letting him decide how much more to tell her. Severus wondered how he was supposed to keep anything from her, since she would be coming with him. No matter how kindly Dumbledore stared at him, he wasn’t actually offering him options.

“My mother is in the hospital,” he told Lily, keeping his eyes on her.

“Oh no, Sev!” she said, and lurched toward him, grabbing his hand with her own. Severus jolted slightly at the contact and glanced toward Dumbledore, who was looking at their joined hands with a look of veiled calculation. Severus almost jerked his away immediately, but knew the man would read into that even more.

A few almost silent minutes later, the phoenix returned, and Dumbledore read the note quickly before nodding and turning to Lily. “Miss Evans, are you aware if your house is connected to the Floo Network?”

Lily blushed slightly. “It’s not, Professor, I’m sorry.”

“Perfectly all right, Miss Evans. Have you two travelled by Side-Along Apparation before?”

Severus panicked for a moment, not sure whether he had done so already in the future-past. He shook his head, just in case, and Dumbledore extended an elbow each to him and Lily, then grabbed onto Fawkes's tail. There was the usual feeling of being squeezed by darkness for an instant before they were deposited in the family room of the Evans home.

Lily immediately began to straighten her robes and take down her hair, glancing in the mirror above the fireplace to check her appearance before her mother came through from the kitchen.

“Lily! Hello, dear,” she gushed, rushing to her daughter and giving her a hug, before pulling away and tucking her hair behind her ears. She turned to Severus. “Hello, Severus. Professor Dumbledore just told us you needed a temporary chaperone, are you alright?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Severus answered, trying to figure out how much to tell her. Would she stop Lily from being his friend if she knew how messed up everything was? “My mother is in the hospital, I don’t know why, and my father is unavailable.”

“Oh no, I’m so sorry. I’ll take you to visit her immediately, of course.”

“I really should be getting back, so I’ll leave the children in your care,” Dumbledore told her. “I’ll send Fawkes here, so you can write a note when they’re ready to return. I hope your mother is well, Mr. Snape,” he directed at Severus, and then turned on the spot again and disappeared with a crack.

“I imagine she’s at Cokeworth Hospital?” Mrs. Evans asked Severus, but he could only shrug in response. It was unlikely to be anywhere else, but Dumbledore hadn’t actually said.

“Where’s Dad?” Lily asked.

“He’s at work, dear, I don’t think he can get away, but if you two are still here tonight he’ll be home for supper.” With that, Mrs. Evans patted Severus on the shoulder and went about collecting her handbag and overcoat.

Walking into the hospital, Severus felt like he was dreaming, like this entire day had been his mind’s fabrication. An imagined consequence for coming back here and changing things. Mrs. Evans was talking to the person at the desk, and then they were walking up stairs and down hallways and then they were at a door and this was not imagined. This was real, and his mother was on the other side of that door. Lily put a hand on his shoulder lightly, and he used that motion, her Gryffindor strength, to put his own hand on the doorknob and push.

He took one look at his mother lying in the hospital bed, pale as death and unmoving, and suddenly his legs didn’t quite work anymore. He fought against throwing his arm out for balance, trying to steady himself subtly. He couldn’t collapse, not with other people around him and watching. But then Lily’s arm was under his hand, her other hand bracing his shoulder, and she was supporting him.

If he had been able to look anywhere but at his mother’s face, he would have seen Lily and her mother have a brief and silent conversation, but as it was, he barely heard Mrs. Evans when she finally caved.

“I’ll go find a doctor, you both stay here, alright?” she said, and waited a moment for a response before turning and leaving quietly.

Severus tried to make himself see the tubes and wires, hear the beeping that meant she was still alive, but all he could see was that other image that haunted his dreams. His mother lying silently in a hospital bed, here in this same hospital, maybe even in this same room, but it was too quiet. Everything was quiet. The doctors had left, turning everything off on their way out. Severus could almost feel the nurse that had put a hand on his shoulder, pulling it back when he flinched away.

This wasn’t supposed to happen for another three years. He was supposed to be taller, older, almost of age in the Wizarding World. He was supposed to be able to handle this and what had to happen next.

He felt Lily leading him toward a nearby chair and pushing him gently into it. She hadn’t been there last time, because he had already failed her and everyone. How would she deal with what he needed to do next? He was so used to telling her the truth that lying felt like wearing robes a size too small, uncomfortable and disconcerting and almost _painful_.

Maybe he wouldn’t have to. Maybe his father wasn’t to blame. Maybe something was different. Maybe.

He was still sitting next to Lily, staring at his mother’s face, when the door opened behind them. Lily gave a quick inhale of surprise, and he slowly turned to see what she was staring at, standing up. There was Mrs. Evans, flanked by a doctor, a police officer, and a third woman without any kind of uniform. Had Severus done something wrong? He couldn’t remember anything, but he’d been almost arrested a couple of times in the future-past without having done something, so it was possible. Mrs. Evans walked toward him and Lily, putting herself on their side, and Severus felt slightly better, backed up by an actual adult.

“Tobias Snape Jr.?” the doctor asked, and Severus shuddered a little bit at the name. Tobias was even worse than Toby.

“Yes,” he said.

“He goes by his middle name, Severus,” Lily said in a rather insistent tone, and Severus glanced at her. She had remembered his distaste for his ‘first’ name, and that gave him a warm feeling, but he didn’t want to deal with questions about it. Easier to just deal with the discomfort for the length of the conversation.

“Alright, Severus. Are you alright to hear the details of your mother’s condition with your friends in the room, or would you like them to leave?” the doctor said rather condescendingly, bending over slightly to look Severus in the eye.

Severus suddenly felt a lot more like himself, looking at the man with disbelief. Even though he didn’t know that Severus was actually twenty-one or maybe older, he obviously thought that three and thirteen were the same age. He fought back a sarcastic response. “They’re fine, they can stay.” He drew himself up to his full height and fixed the man with a look that had been intimidating when he was past puberty. _Take me seriously,_ he thought at him.

The doctor, whose nametag said _Bergson_ , seemed to get the message and cleared his throat, standing up again. “Yes. Your mother has suffered some head trauma. When they brought her in this morning, we needed to go into surgery immediately.”

Severus was trying not to let his panic show on his face. He couldn’t expect to be taken seriously if he was acting like a child. “How did it go?” he asked, keeping his voice steady and firm.

“It went well,” the doctor said reassuringly, “but we did need to put her in a medically induced coma while she heals fully.”

The word ‘coma’ echoed strangely in Severus’s mind, bouncing off the walls nauseatingly.

“When is she going to wake?” Mrs. Evans asked from beside him.

“We’re not quite sure,” Dr. Bergson said, still looking at Severus. “Once the swelling has gone down, we’ll begin to wean her off the medication, and that should be in about a week.”

“And then she’ll wake up?”

“Yes, then she should begin to wake. Severus, I need to tell you that there is a very small chance that she won’t wake at that point. We have no reason to think that will happen, but sometimes brain surgery has more serious consequences.”

Severus could only look at him, trying to process.

“Do you understand?”

Severus tried to nod, but it ended up as more of a jerky movement, and he felt Lily’s hand, still on his arm, tighten.

“We understand,” Mrs. Evans said, speaking for him again. He didn’t mind, not when she was just helping the situation along.

Finally Dr. Bergson left the room, and Severus was faced with just the police officer and the woman, both of whom had been standing quietly in the corner. Now they came over to him and seemed to have learned from Dr. Bergson’s mistakes, standing in front of him, the police officer beginning to speak professionally. “Hello, I’m Officer Riley Rockman. I’m here to talk to you about your father. Were you informed of his whereabouts?”

Severus looked at her, taking a deep breath to try and ready himself for this conversation. “Yes, I was told he was arrested.”

Officer Rockman nodded, looking at him with what he hoped wasn’t veiled pity. “Because your mother is in a coma and your father is in police custody, you are required to have a… temporary guardian, of sorts, present with you. This is Ms. Stork.” She gestured to the woman next to her, who held out a hand to Severus.

He carefully reached out and shook it, surprised by her firm grip.

“Hello, Severus. I’m here to help you, so let me know if you have any questions or if you need a break, ok?” Ms. Stork looked kind, and he was sure she meant well, but there was no way that he would turn to her for anything. This was already complicated enough. He nodded anyway, to appease her, and then turned back to the policewoman.

“Alright, Severus. So the Cokeworth Police Department received a report that implied some abusive behavior is occurring in your home.”

Severus paled, strongly fighting the urge to turn and look at Lily, at his mother. This had been his fault. He had let them send that report to the Muggles, and they had actually _done_ something, and now his mother might never wake up, three years before any of this was supposed to happen.

“Now, we had some previous complaints from neighbors, and all of this together meant several officers were sent to your house to speak to your parents. They conducted an interview and left, but were still present near the property when they heard a disturbance.”

A disturbance? Previous complaints? Which neighbors? Severus bet it was Bradleys next door, always trying to push themselves into the business of the whole neighborhood.

“Your mother was found injured, and your father was caught trying to flee the scene.”

He had run the last time. But he hadn’t been caught then, at least not by the police.

“Severus, I need your help,” Officer Rockman said, and Severus tried to refocus on her. What could he possibly do, other than going back in time again? He could commit suicide again, and maybe Fate would put him back, but it might not work the same way, and he—

He didn’t want to die. He didn’t want his mother to die, he didn’t want Lily to die, but he didn’t want to die either.

“Severus?” he asked again, and Severus, with effort, forced his brain and his eyes back to her.

“Yes?” he asked, and his voice cracked with stress and maybe the beginnings of puberty, hitting him at the worst possible time.

“We can’t hold your father very long without proof, and right know we don’t have any. We have two reports of possible domestic abuse, but both are anonymous, and no one saw what caused her injuries.”

Severus just looked at her, not sure what she was asking him. Had there been a question in there? His brain felt like it was moving through Polyjuice Potion and transforming into mush.

“If you have anything you want to tell me, if you want to file a report of any kind, you can tell me now,” she said carefully, and Severus recognized the very Slytherin way of saying something without really saying it.

“You don’t have to talk to her at all, Severus, but everything will be fine if you want to,” Ms. Stork added from beside her, but he still couldn’t think, couldn’t plan. He couldn’t handle this without a plan. There were too many options, too many possible paths, and he wasn’t prepared for some of them. There were probably more that hadn’t even occurred to him. He couldn’t handle this right now, he couldn’t think, he couldn’t do it alone; he didn’t know what to do. He looked at the two women in front of him, and at Mrs. Evans, who was looking at him sympathetically.

He turned to Lily.

“Do it,” she whispered, her hand sliding down to grip his tightly. He looked back at her, trying to take some of the confidence and surety she was carrying in her shoulders. Trying to take some of her righteous Gryffindor anger. “Trust me,” she said, and he did.

The ‘interview’ with Officer Rockman and Ms. Stork took a good half hour, and by the end of it Severus was holding back tears. He wasn’t sure whether they were angry, sad, or simply the result of a day that had lasted a month already. He was still holding Lily’s hand, and as the last of the adults filed out of the room, Mrs. Evans going to fill out as much paperwork as she could, he tried to release her. She didn’t let him for a moment, but then squeezed once and let go, turning to sit in one of the chairs by his mother’s hospital bed.

Severus followed her, sitting in the other one woodenly. There were so many consequences that he should be considering, but right now all he could do was sit and try not to fall apart at the body of his mother in front of him. It was his fault.

“What?” Lily asked, her voice a whisper, and Severus realized that he had spoken that last thought out loud.

“Nothing,” he said, but Lily was nothing if not stubborn, and she turned to look at him, leaning closer so they could still whisper. Whispers always felt safer.

“It’s not,” she said, hesitatingly, and reached for his hand again, but he pulled it back slightly, just enough to tell her no, not right now. 

“If I hadn’t—Madame Pomfrey—“ he said haltingly, struggling to voice the heavy emotions that were pushing him down into the ground. “I hurt her. I hurt—“ you, he wanted to say, but this was not an uncontrolled confession, and he edited as he spoke. “—people.”

“Sev.” He could feel Lily looking at him, but he kept his eyes on his mother’s face, trying to see her breathing. “You could never hurt anyone.”

He scoffed at her, pulling his knees into his chest and wrapping his arms around them, trying to physically pull himself together.

“You’re my best friend,” Lily said even quieter, and something in him snapped, but almost gently, finally breaking after weakening for a while. He let out a shuddering breath and leaned toward her, letting her closeness make everything a little easier. Not touching, but closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always hate chapters in the Muggle World. Too much research :)


	15. Rest and Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, I'm sorry I skipped...two weeks. My bad, I've been busy and this chapter was _super_ hard to write. Trigger warnings for descriptions of violence, although they're fairly vague, and Severus's general self-hate that I'm sure you're all used to. Other than that, happy reading!

Lily and Severus returned to Hogwarts long after dinner that evening, too late to do anything but go back to their respective dormitories and go to sleep. Severus was glad to have a night to think, to process, before he’d see anybody other than Lily—namely, Remus—and have to explain. But he fell asleep quickly, and the next morning when he woke up just in time for breakfast, he still wasn’t sure how to explain his and Lily’s absence for most of a day, especially without lying.

He walked into breakfast with only a few minutes to spare, and walked quickly to the Slytherin table to grab a piece of toast before it all disappeared. Thus, it wasn’t until he got to Arithmancy and saw only Black—Sirius—at their normal table that he remembered it had been a full moon last night. Remus must still be in the Hospital Wing. A wave of something hit him. He had been so worried about what to tell Remus, but now he found that he really did want to talk to him. Remus always understood things differently than Lily did. That first letter from home, he had read it and known exactly what Severus needed. Severus didn’t know what he needed right now. He felt like there was a gap between him and the rest of the world, like he wasn’t quite present, like a ghost haunting his own life, and he wasn’t quite sure how to touch the ground again. And on top of that, he hadn’t even remembered that his friend was suffering last night and today. He usually brought chocolate to the Hospital Wing the morning after Remus’s transformation, but he’d completely forgotten.

Severus, distracted, moved with the flow of students to his normal seat, only realizing once he sat down that now he and Sirius were sitting next to each other, alone for the first time since they had begun their agreed-upon familiarity.

“Ahem,” Sirius cleared his throat, and Severus turned to look at him. He still wasn’t feeling like he was really _there_ and he highly doubted that anything Sirius was about to say would help with that.

“Do you know where Remus is?”

He had been right. That hadn’t helped at all.

“Only, he wasn’t in the room last night,” Sirius continued. He wasn’t really meeting Severus’s eyes, looking somewhere in the vicinity of his left eyebrow, but he seemed determined to get this question all the way out. “And I’ve been counting how often he’s gone, and it’s a lot.” Finally, Sirius met his eyes. “Where is he going?”

Well, and at least the answer to this question was easy. He may have promised Lily and Remus not to lie to them, but he had made no such promise to Sirius, and Remus wanted his lycanthropy kept secret anyway. “I don’t know,” he said simply, trying for a direct tone that would shut down the conversation.

“Fine,” Sirius said petulantly, and Severus winced. He hadn’t meant to make him angry. The least thing he needed was a Gryffindor with an axe to grind. Professor Vector walked in, and the classroom quieted down. “I’m just worried,” Sirius mumbled.

Severus glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, but Sirius was already focusing on Vector, ready to take notes. Maybe he hadn’t meant for Severus to hear. After all, it wasn’t very Gryffindor to be subtle. But then again, maybe no one belonged in just one house, really. Remus was smart and curious enough to be a Ravenclaw, Emma was friendly and loyal enough to be a Hufflepuff, even Frank from Care of Magical Creatures declined to spend time with his fellow Ravenclaws, and had faced a Hippogriff without fear. Merlin, Severus spent most of his time with Gryffindors.

He wasn't really _like_ a Gryffindor, though. He never had been. Severus winced at the memory of trying to convince the Sorting Hat otherwise. Twice. He half-listened for the rest of the Arithmancy class, jotting down something about how to calculate spell complications but not much else, trapped in his own mind and his own convoluted plans. They were only getting worse, he knew that, but he couldn't stop listing steps, because what if he stopped planning and everything just... kept going without him?

_"Geminio"_

Severus jerked back to reality as a piece of parchment was shoved in front of him. Looking down, he saw that it was the notes for this class period--diligently taken notes, actually, and detailed. He looked up just as Sirius was striding out of the classroom, and a 'Thank you' got lost somewhere between his mind and his voice as he watched the other boy leave. How utterly strange.

As soon as the lunch hour started and Remus didn't walk into the Great Hall, Severus headed to the Hospital Wing, swinging by the kitchens on the way to grab some chocolate. When he walked in, Madame Pomfrey sent him a concerned look. Severus thought for a moment that she was about to direct him back to the Great Hall--only sixth and seventh years were allowed to wander during lunch and dinner. But then he realized that she had probably been notified as to everything that had happened the day before. She was the one responsible for the police's visit to his house, after all. She was the one who just couldn't let him go. He held up the chocolate bar he was holding as an explanation, and her look softened as she pointed to the far bed.

He opened the curtains carefully, just in case Remus was sleeping, but he was awake and sitting up, a lunch tray on his lap. Severus had known it must have been a bad transformation, since Remus usually didn't stay here through lunchtime, but the number of potions on Remus's bedside table shocked him slightly. How bad had it been?

"You're back!" Remus said, perhaps louder than he had meant to, because he shot a furtive glance in the direction of Madame Pomfrey before turning back to Severus. "What happened?"

Severus could see him practically vibrating with more questions, but his friend kept silent, fixing him with a desperate look instead, waiting for Severus to answer. He pulled the curtains shut behind him and took a seat next to his friend's bed. "My mother was in the hospital. I went to see her." He paused, unsure what else to say. That she was going to die? That his father was undoubtedly responsible? That he had told people things, and now they knew, and nothing was ever going to be--

"Is she alright?" Remus asked, and oh, but Severus wanted to just stop. Just wanted the world to stay still for a moment, so he could catch his bearings, alright? So he could steady himself.

"No," he managed, because he had promised not to lie to his friends.

"Oh," was all Remus said, and Severus looked up at him, trying to judge his tone of voice. He looked almost angry, eyes hard, and he was stabbing a small scar on his hand with his thumbnail, sharply. "I'm sorry I couldn't be there. I'm sorry I had to be--" he paused, but Severus had learned from Remus that sometimes saying nothing was the best strategy. Finally, Remus sighed and released both hands heavily back into his lap. "I'm sorry I had to be here. Last night."

"What?" Severus asked, thrown by the apology. He hadn't ever expected Remus to be there, even if--even if it would have been easier, maybe, with him there. A silent supporter. But he couldn't tell Remus that, definitely not. "No, it's fine. Lily only went because we were with her parents."

Remus's brow furrowed. "Why were her parents there?"

Damn. Her parents had been there because neither of his parents _could_ be, because his father was arrested, was he still arrested? Maybe he was out by now. Merlin, he didn't want to explain this, but he had to. If he lied...

"My father couldn't be there either. Lily lives close to me, so her parents could get me to the hospital."

Remus nodded in acceptance, turning back slightly toward the food in front of him, but Severus kept going anyway. "He was arrested, for--they think he put her in the hospital. That he hurt her." 

Remus was looking at him with such understanding, such concern, and Severus couldn't handle this right now. "Are you alright?" he asked, forcing the conversation over this bump. "You're not usually in here this long." He glanced at the potion bottles again, trying to recognize as many of them as possible, but only seeing mundane healing potions, though there were a lot of them.

"I'm okay," Remus answered, accepting the new topic. "I was more worked up than usual, that's all, and it kept--" he stopped, starting to stab at that tiny scar again.

Severus stared at him, his mind whirring. Remus had been worked up. About him and Lily being gone? Severus didn't know whether anyone had even told him where they were, and the moon had been up by the time they had gotten back. He had probably been so alone.

"I'm sorry," he said, and Remus didn't look up at him, accepting the apology's usual meaning--Severus was sorry Remus was hurting, he was sorry he had to suffer like this every month. "I'm sorry I couldn't be here," Severus added, and this time Remus did look up. "I'm sorry I had to be--there."

Remus gave him a small smile at their symmetrical conversation, then shook his head gently and reached for the chocolate bar still in Severus's hand. "You couldn't have been in the Shack with me anyway."

A flash of memory went through Severus--hiking to the Shrieking Shack after curfew, terror and determination warring inside him. The werewolf, that he still couldn't quite call Remus, towering over him. No, he couldn't be in the Shack with Remus. "You couldn't have left Hogwarts, not without permission from your parents."

The two boys made eye contact, simmering in their respective guilt, and moved on to other subjects. Two days later, in the library, Lily said suddenly, "For Merlin's sake, you each feel guilty for the other one feeling guilty for something. You're both ridiculous," and they made eye contact again, sorted through the confusing statement, and silently agreed that she was right, nodding at each other. Lily threw up her hands and went back to her Care of Magical Creatures diagram, muttering something about "Boys..."

Christmas this year was looking to be similar to Severus's second first year--that is, Remus would be here, but Lily would not be. Of course, this time Remus told them that there was a full moon over the break and that Hogwarts had the best accommodations. Severus had known the reason that first year, of course, but now he was forced to think about the fact that his friend's lycanthropy kept him from his family over the holidays. Another heart-wrenching side effect.

Add to that Severus's lack of parents at home as well--his mother was still in her coma, and his father still in custody pending a decision of some sort--and the holiday wasn't exactly panning out to be joyous. Lily had invited Severus to come to her house for Christmas, but he knew that being that close to the hauntings of his future-past wouldn't turn out well. Plus, Remus couldn't go home, and he shouldn't be alone. It wasn't until a few days before the break, sitting through the last Arithmancy class, that it came out Sirius would also be staying for the break. Looking at Remus and Sirius ignore Professor Vector and brainstorm what they could do to Potter and Pettigrew's belongings over the next few weeks, Severus felt slightly ill, and thought about asking Lily if he could go with her after all. But no, he decided firmly, looking at his best friend talking in hushed whispers with Sirius Black. He'd keep his friendship with Remus no matter what. He wouldn't let this get twisted.

Sirius hadn't brought up Remus's monthly absences again, at least not to Severus, but once Remus had recovered enough to come back to class, there had been a chilly air between the two Gryffindors for a few days. Severus had hoped it would remain, but luck was not with him, and the two seemed thick as thieves again before the week was out. Severus knew that at some point in the future-past, Remus's dormmates had found out his secret--the incident in fifth year had proven that, since Black had been the one to almost kill Severus with his taunts and rumours. Severus shuddered. It was hard to think of the boy in his future-past, the one who had bullied him mercilessly, almost killed him via werewolf, and killed Lily, as Sirius, no matter what he called him in the here and now. No, he would only do evil with Remus's secret, Severus knew it. Perhaps once he and Potter and Pettigrew improved, they could be told. But not now.

The first week of break went as normally as could be imagined. It was much the same as previous years, except now Sirius was there. When Remus and Severus met in the Great Hall for breakfast, Sirius was there. When they were recruited onto a team for the snowball fights, Sirius was there, yelling battle-cries. Severus couldn't get away from him without getting away from Remus too, and he quickly learned the best way to not go crazy was to either tune them out or get them talking about something related to school. They had four classes together, after all, and Severus figured out quickly that while bringing up their Christmas homework usually caused someone to throw a snowball at him--whether they were inside or not--bringing up what they were working on, especially if it was given a practical application, actually led to some interesting conversations. Although they usually led to prank-planning.

So the week before Christmas passed in a sort of blur, the three boys spending most of their time together by default. There were no other Gryffindors or Slytherins of their year in the castle, and Emma and Trish were spending the break at Trish's house for Hanukkah. Severus shouldn't have been surprised when Remus turned to him over their Yorkshire Pudding and asked, "So, where are we all meeting to do presents?"

Severus looked up at him and glanced guiltily at Sirius, sitting on Remus's other side. He had gotten presents for Lily and Remus, as usual, but hadn't even thought to include Sirius in his shopping. His spending money was low as it was, the stipend from the school only giving him so much to spend on 'Books and other Necessities'. And he really didn't want to buy Sirius anything anyway. Friendship for the sake of the future, fine. But gifts? That was a road too far. Besides, what would he even get him? He decided to improvise. If Sirius got him something, he'd say his was in the post. If not--well, then they'd be even. He nodded, plan made, and cleared his throat. "Usual classroom, 9 tomorrow morning?"

"Sounds good," Remus said, turning back to his food.

"Do you bring all your stuff there to open?" Sirius asked, so quiet that it was obvious he was asking Remus alone, and Severus left them to their quiet conversation.

The next morning, they all met in their usual abandoned classroom. Severus carried his two packages, Remus juggled his five or six, and Sirius carried only three, to Severus's surprise. They sat in a circle with their spoils and began ripping paper, Sirius's going everywhere while Remus and Severus were rather more sedate in their unwrapping. Severus smiled at Lily's gift of a new pewter stirring rod, remembering her part in the potion that had ruined it, and he resisted the urge to start reading the copy of _Arithmancy & the Peril of Curves_ that Remus had gifted him. He thanked Remus, got a thanks in return, and was steeling himself to give some kind of excuse about Sirius's gift, feeling slightly guilty now that it was so obvious he hadn't gotten him anything.

"What is that?" Sirius asked, pointing to the neat pile of paper in front of Severus, and he glanced down, surprised to see a rather thick envelope among the rest of the wrappings. It must have been stuck between the packages, he thought as he took it up. _Ministry of Magic, Office of Non-Magical Post_ , the return address read, and he ripped it with slightly shaking hands. The only person from the Muggle world who ever wrote him here at Hogwarts was his mother, and she wouldn't be writing him. Maybe never again, he thought to himself as he took out the two smaller envelopes that had been inside the first one.

"It's like those Russian Doll things," Sirius said, almost laughing, but Severus wasn't paying attention.

He stared at the two envelopes, one in each hand. One was from the hospital in Cokeworth, the other from the police station, and he didn't know what to do with them. Obviously their information was connected, especially since they'd probably reached the Ministry at the same time, but he had to open one of them first, and what if one of them said something more important, and what if he was supposed to open one of them first but he opened the other one?

And what if they said something he couldn't come back from?

He was in limbo, right now, his mother in a coma, his father arrested but not fully charged. He was in purgatory. But it was better than where he'd be once he opened these letters.

He heard conversation around him, dimly, and looked up over the roaring in his ears and his vision and everywhere to see Remus and Sirius. They were arguing, Sirius gesturing toward the letters and asking questions, Remus rebuffing him, their opinions clear even if their words weren't, but Severus couldn't pay attention to them. All he could see were the two whiter-than-white rectangles sitting on his hands. He moved in slow motion as he opened the one from the hospital first, the pull from his mother stronger than the one from his father, as it always had been.

Pulling a single paper out, he tried to focus on the words, but they only swam before his eyes, blurred by the moisture gathering there. He blinked repeatedly, and finally made them out.

>   
>  Mr. Snape,
> 
> We are writing to let you know of the next steps in your mother's recovery. While she has awakened from her coma,  
> 

Severus stared at the letter, his hands shaking even harder now. His eyes kept jumping back to the word _recovery_ , over and over. She was in recovery. She had woken up.

What did that mean?

She was going to be alright. So why was he feeling more and more panicked? His heart was beating faster, his head was spinning, the world was closing in.

He didn't have a plan for this. He knew what to do if she never woke up. He knew what to do if she died, just like she had died in the future-past, just as he had always expected her to die. When he had arrived back in his 11-year-old body, he had known she was on borrowed time. Now that she wasn't...

Would it happen in sixth year instead, like it had before? Had he put her through more pain than she had ever experienced in the future-past, just to have her suffer a few more years before Tobias killed her anyway? He had only added to her misery, that's what he had done. He'd come back to help Lily, and he'd only end up hurting people even more than they were already going to hurt. What gave him the right to mess with things like this? There weren't enough plans in the universe.

He couldn't open the second letter, couldn't even finish reading the first, but he had to know what it said. He had to know when everything was happening, what his father had been told. What if it was still happening three years early, and he'd be waiting when she got home? What if he would just go straight to the hospital?

Remus reached out a hand to touch him, and he flinched back, only realizing belatedly that he'd really been reaching for the second letter. Blindly, silently, Severus handed it to him, just as he had handed him the letter from his mother in their first year, and he watched with unseeing eyes as Remus opened it. Remembering that opening someone else's mail was against the law, he let out a bubbling laugh, shocked when he heard how hysterical it sounded. Remus shot him a concerned look but scanned the letter and took a deep breath, turning to him.

"He's been charged, Sev," he said.

Charged? What did that--when was he getting released, when would he get to her? When would Severus need to find him, to stop him? His confusion must have showed on his face, because Remus tried again.

"He's been charged with attempted murder, domestic abuse--a couple of other things that sound rather technical," he said, leaning toward Severus but being careful not to touch him. "He's in prison until his trial, and...it says attempted murder, Sev, is your mother..."

But Severus couldn't hear him anymore, wasn't listening. His mother was in recovery. His father was in prison. His father was... His father was gone. He hadn't gotten away with it, not like before, he hadn't killed her, not like before, it wasn't like before. If he had been charged, if there was a trial...would he go to prison? Would he be gone, for good, forever? If he was gone, would he not hurt her anymore? If he was gone, would he still kill her?

If he was gone, would Severus still have to kill him?

He wouldn't have to ride with his mother to the hospital, watch her die slowly. He wouldn't have to talk blankly to a police officer who couldn't remember his name. He wouldn't have to walk away in a daze, walking for over an hour to reach home, finally coming upon his little house and walking inside on autopilot. Wouldn't find his father standing there, in the kitchen, like he had never left, like he had stood there as people had rushed around and taken her away to die instead of running away, away. Wouldn't stand there, numbly, waiting for his father to turn, waiting for him to acknowledge him, waiting to take precedence over the broken plates on the floor.

Wouldn't take a step forward, lost, confused, was he looking for comfort, was he looking for something to hit, was he looking to see if his father was there or if he had died along with her? Wouldn't see his father swing to face him, see his red face, wouldn't stumble back as the man bore down on him, as he hit the wall with an explosion of agony to the back of his head his neck his back his everywhere. His father start to speak, start to yell, never stopping not once stopping not at all not until he made him, had to make him.

He'd killed her, but it had been an accident.

Severus had killed him, and it had not been, had been, maybe it had been? He didn't know anymore, couldn't see it anymore, couldn't see anything but that hand so red on his arm, moments before he'd pushed him.

Probably an accident, the doctors had said. The floor had been wet with dishwater and with blood, and his father had slipped, and hit a broken plate in just the wrong way. A tragedy. We're so sorry, Toby is it? Both your parents in a day, how horrible, will you be alright? Will you be okay now, alone, all alone now?

"Severus?"

Severus jerked, meeting hazel eyes a few feet from his.

"Sev?" Remus tried again, and then Severus was sobbing, huge wracking sobs, like something was trying to burst out of his chest and just kept pounding against it.

"Oh, Merlin," he head Remus say, and then a moment later, a crinkle of paper as his best friend grabbed that first letter out of his hands, reading it for himself. He heard a sigh of relief, and then Remus moved closer to him, still not touching, but closer. "She's better, and he's in jail, Severus. It's going to be alright, isn't it?"

Severus nodded, still unable to speak. He had come back to this time to save Lily, and that was it. Not dying himself had been happenstance, something Fate had wanted for reasons he would never truly understand. He had wanted to save Lily, and then he had met Remus, and he had wanted to save Remus too, from whatever he could. But he never thought he could save _himself_.

That day, that all the doctors and policemen had called tragic, that had been his true ending. His home was gone, and Lily was gone, and the only thing left was Slytherin and the Dark Lord. All his plans had led in that direction. But now... he didn't have to lose his home. He didn't have to lose Lily.

"I don't have to lose," he whispered, his crying slowly becoming less desperate, less violent.

"What?" Remus asked, and his voice cracked on the word as he moved cautiously to place a hand on Severus's shoulder.

"I don't have to lose!" Severus said, louder this time, turning to his friend. "I don't have to k--" He stopped mid-word, seeing his friend's worried, 13-year-old gaze, and seeing Sirius Black behind him, looking positively appalled. He swallowed the sentence, swallowed everything down, and leaned into the hand on his shoulder.

He didn't have to kill him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry, y'all, I _also_ want to give him a hug. My roommate (and beta reader) can tell you I alternated between yelling at the characters and typing for this chapter. The next ones should be FAR less angsty. I promise.


	16. Gestures and Gifts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all, and welcome to The Chapter I Hated Writing. I may go back and rewrite it at some point, but I knew if I didn't get it out that I would just sit there, not doing anything, so here it is. No trigger warnings, just references to stuff that happened last chapter. Happy reading!

The rest of Christmas Day had been awkward. With relief and realization running through him, Severus hadn't cared about anything else as he walked back to his dorm to put his gifts away, but once he reached his bathroom, the consequences of what had just happened crashed down on him. He was a mess, to put it mildly. Face splotchy, eyes red, hair greasier than ever, and that was just on the outside. He had broken down, that was the truth of it, and in front of Sirius Black, the one who was almost as much to blame for all of this as Severus.

Maybe he could cast an _Obliviate_ on him. Enough to erase the crying, at least.

After all, there wasn't any guarantee that his father would actually be convicted. He could be let go before his trial, for all Severus knew. But this blasted hope, this stupid, Gryffindor optimism wouldn't leave his stomach, and he found himself smiling slightly as he tried to make himself presentable again before going down to lunch.

He entered the Great Hall as nonchalantly as he could manage, although Sirius saw him and stared as he crossed to the table everyone had been sitting at--houses had no meaning over break, for the most part. He sat down, Sirius continuing to stare, and heaved a large mental sigh. He'd changed everything for good. 

Their conversations were stilted. Severus didn't want to talk about what had happened, either to his mother or his father, and Remus did. Sirius didn't seem to know what he wanted, always looking between the two of them as if conflicted, which was a bit confusing. Why in the world would he choose Severus over Remus in anything? Remus was the reason he was here.

This was only underlined when they came up on the full moon and Remus made his usual excuses. As soon as Remus was gone, so was Sirius, only reappearing for lunch once Remus was out of the Hospital Wing. Severus thought for sure that he would question him, make him tell the truth, but he said almost nothing at all, seemingly too absorbed in his pumpkin juice. That was...more worrying than him asking questions. What was he thinking? Was he clever enough to figure it out? Maybe he had figured it out in the future-past--Severus certainly had no clue. He couldn't imagine Remus trusting him enough to tell him, but then again, he'd told Severus and Lily, even if they had already known. 

All too soon, or maybe just soon enough, classes were starting again and Remus, Severus, and Sirius were surrounded by their respected houses. They met Lily in the Entrance Hall and Severus told her the news about his mother and his father, trying to stay as calm as possible. She stayed quiet during the explanation, and when it was over, she gave him a small hug and offered to have her parents check on his mother in the hospital. Severus hadn't thought of that, and agreed eagerly, wanting to get as much information from them through Lily as possible. Who knows what the doctor was or wasn't telling him?

That first night, Sirius walked with Lily, Remus, and Severus to the Great Hall for dinner and automatically headed toward the Slytherin table when they did, stuttering to a stop a few steps from the table itself. 

"You all are eating here today?" he asked, and he seemed to have real fear in his voice. Severus found that funny, frankly. True, a lot of Slytherin didn't think kindly of Gryffindors, but Lily and Remus had never gotten anything more than a dirty look and a muttered insult, which was about what Severus got at the Gryffindor table.

"We alternate," Lily said, narrowing her eyes at Severus, and her tone dared him to suggest they do anything else.

"I-I'll just..." Sirius trailed off, backing away and throwing them all an apologetic look, then glancing down the Slytherin table with a strange expression before turning around and walking toward Gryffindor. 

Severus turned to follow where his eyes are been. The second years? His eyes trailed over the students--there were six of them, a decently sized class--and stopped when his eyes hit Regulus Black. He had, forgotten, quite honestly, that Sirius's brother was here in Slytherin. He had known, of course, that the two were brothers. He'd tried to befriend Regulus briefly in the past-future-past, believing they had Gryffindor connections in common--Regulus with his brother, Severus with Lily. But the boy had spurned him immediately, not even letting Severus get past hello, continuing to talk with Crouch, his permanent hanger-on. It seemed that this time was no different. The two boys sat close, but talked loudly, drawing the attention of those around them. What was going on between Sirius and his brother, that Sirius didn't want to be near him?

"Sev?" Lily called, patting a hand on the seat next to her, and Severus put the Black brothers out of his mind and sat down. 

"Honestly, he's not much of a Gryffindor, is he?" Lily said, and both Severus and Remus looked at her in surprise.

"I think anyone who's willing to play chicken with the giant squid can be considered brave, Lils," Remus said, and Severus had to agree with him.

"Yes, but bravery's not the important bit of being a Gryffindor, it's about having true honor and the courage to stand up to bias and unfairness! And there's nobody more biased toward Slytherin than Potter and Black. Sirius," she added, when Remus shot her a look.

Severus was a little thrown by this statement. Not only because he would have accepted it as truth a few years or even months ago and now it sounded off--it also didn't really sound like _Lily_. "Where did you hear that?" he asked.

"Oh, Sev, I didn't mean that Slytherin _isn't_ like that, we were just talking about Gryffindor."

"We?" Remus asked.

"Professor Dumbledore, when he walked me back to Gryffindor Tower a couple weeks ago," Lily answered, and then seemed confused by the suddenly suspect look on Severus's face. "What? It was after we went to visit your mum."

"Nothing," Severus said quickly, but the more he thought about it, the more it seemed like what Lily had said... "Did he really say that exact thing?"

"Something like that," Lily said, frowning. "Why?"

"That's just not a... common stereotype of Gryffindors. Courage, yes, but that's just so specific, bias and unfairness."

"Yeah, Hufflepuffs are the one who care about fairness, Gryffindors just want to beat the bad guys," Remus put in jokingly, but he seemed confused as well, or maybe just curious. "And what kind of bias? Maybe he's getting paranoid."

Dumbledore hadn't talked the whole time he had walked Severus and Lily to the Slytherin rooms to drop him off, but he had made sure to mention standing up to bias and unfairness to Lily, strongly enough that she was quoting him? Why did Dumbledore always seem to be playing them? And why was he talking about...

Severus turned to Emma and Trish, sitting across from them as usual. "What are common Slytherin stereotypes?"

Emma turned toward him, considering his question for a few moments. "Well, we're ambitious, and clever. We try to get ahead, to get stuff done--"

"Oh, honestly, Ems," Trish said, interrupting and turning toward Severus herself. "We're all blood supremacists, who marry our cousins and will sell our mothers into slavery to get ahead."

"Bias and unfairness," Remus said slowly, his brow wrinkling. "Was Dumbledore telling her to stand up to Slytherins?"

"No! Dumbledore knows the houses are more than stereotypes. That's exactly what he was talking about, that Gryffindors have to be more than just brave and reckless." Lily spoke with finality, and Severus had to admit that it was a more sensical explanation. But Dumbledore--Severus didn't trust him. He didn't have a good reason, other than things from the future-past, but from now on, Severus was going to pay more attention to the absent-minded Headmaster.

A couple of days later, the three friends were walking to the library from Ancient Runes when Sirius came running up to them, breathing hard.

"Can I talk to Severus? Oh bloody hell," he said, grabbing his side and breathing hard, leaning against the wall. "You three walk bloody fast."

"Why do you want to talk to him?" Lily asked, her voice slightly shrill, probably in response to the cursing.

"It's fine," Severus said, and he and Remus shared a look before he dragged Lily into the library, leaving Severus and Sirius alone. After about a week of Sirius not spilling his breakdown to anyone who would listen, Severus had decided to feel fairly safe around him.

"Here," Sirius said, still breathing a bit harder than normal, and shoved a tiny package at Severus, who took it cautiously. It didn't _look_ like a Dungbomb, but then again, they never did. He opened it carefully to reveal a tiny cylindrical device, about the size of a galleon with a protruding button on the top. He looked at the device, then up at Sirius, his confusion evident.

"Oh, sorry," Sirius said, finally recovering and reaching his hand out for the metal object. "It's used in Arithmancy for drawing all those circles. You put it on the parchment and press the button, and it creates a perfect circle of whatever size you want around it. No more messing up calculations because circles are bloody awful to draw." Sirius looked embarrassed, rubbing the back of his neck which had turned a pink color. "Er. Merry Christmas."

"Thank you," Severus said automatically, but his mind was whirling. Sirius had gotten him a Christmas gift. It wasn't a book, or socks, or something. He was two weeks late for Christmas? What was going on? Severus glanced at Sirius and smiled slightly, thinking that smiling was almost always a correct response, and then he went to go around him and into the library. Did he need to buy him a gift now too, one that would be even later? What was going _on_?

"Er," Sirius said, and Severus turned around to look at him again. "I also wanted to... say sorry, I guess. About being a right jerk to you the last couple of years. I dunno, it was like you weren't real to me, or something. And then over break and everything that happened--" he cut himself off, looking firmly at the wall a foot to the left of Severus. "Now you're a real person, and wow I'm a berk, but anyway, I just wanted to say sorry. And sorry about your family, and everything, too."

Severus could only nod. He understood all of that, very well. Remus hadn't been real until he'd gone back in time. Sirius hadn't been real until--well, just now, he supposed. It was harder to go through life when you realized everyone else had a life, too. 

"Can we start over?" Sirius said, finally forcing his eyes to look directly at Severus. 

"Yes," Severus replied, trying to make that one word as convincing as possible. Who knew if things would go better this time, but either way, starting over was as good a plan as any. Maybe someday they could really be friends. Stranger things had happened--probably. And what better way to change the future than to do something so counter to it?

"Oh, good," Sirius said, and immediately started walking toward the library, still talking. "You know, I was just going to pretend to be friends with you forever, because of Remus, but it'll be easier if we're actually friends." He shot a wide smile over his shoulder at Severus. "Maybe we can join forces and make him take better care of himself and have more fun, huh?"

Well, and there was an idea for a Christmas present for Sirius Black. If he could be trusted with everything he was already keeping secret, he could be trusted with Remus's secret, too, especially since it was Remus. There had never been a question in Severus's mind, even in the future-past, that Sirius was loyal to Remus. Plus, he was probably close enough to figuring it out, anyway. Severus walked into the library behind Sirius, only half listening to whatever he was saying. When he got to the table where Remus and Lily were sitting and whispering furiously, he made up his mind. Yes, this would do nicely, and then he wouldn't have to dip any further into his parchment fund.

"Remus, come help me grab those books for our Ancient Runes project?" he said, trying to stay nonchalant. If he could fool Lord Voldemort, certainly he could fool Lily Evans.

"Why does everyone want to talk in secret?" Lily demanded.

Apparently not.

"There are at least four of them, Lily. You can help too, if you want." Lily should know he trusted Sirius anyway. It wouldn't do to just leave her animosity brewing. Sirius laughed quietly, perhaps guessing that he was the topic of conversation, but he stayed at the table, tipping his chair back onto its back two legs.

When the three of them were far enough away, he turned to Remus and Lily. "He wanted to apologize for the pranks over the last couple of years," he said to Lily, whose face blanked with surprise. "And gave me a Christmas gift," he added, holding up the Arithmancy contraption.

"You'll have to give him one too, now," Remus said, grinning, and Severus blushed at his plan being found out. He should know by now not to confuse Remus's silence for ignorance.

"I am. I'm telling you that you should tell him your secret," Severus said, slightly less sure now that he was actually saying it out loud.

"What?" Remus exclaimed, only the rules of the library keeping his voice quiet. "How is that a gift from you? And I can't tell him, he--"

"It's a gift from me because I'm saying...I trust him with it. I'm not saying you have to. I'm just saying...this is my recommendation. That if you want to, I don't think it's a mistake."

"He _is_ worried, Remus," Lily said, having recovered from her shock at Sirius's apology. "I think he's more worried than I was, and I'm pretty sure he's timing when you're gone already."

"I'll think about it," Remus said, and Severus was pretty sure he was just saying that to get them to stop talking about it. But maybe he would consider it anyway.

With Sirius's apology on the record, he became an honorary member of their study group and friend group, having an implied invitation to the time they spent together and sitting with any and all of them during classes. But there were some issues with this. True, it meant that when they paired off in class no one was left alone, and that there was someone to talk about Quidditch with Lily, who was fascinated. But Sirius still didn't sit at the Slytherin table, and it was just odd, going from three chairs to four. The biggest issue, though, was Potter. His best friend had begun spending a lot of time with them, and Potter had decided to focus his pranking power on them in revenge, it seemed. Remus was partially immune, perhaps because he had access to Potter while he slept, and Severus was used to it by now, but Lily was not, and was responding in what Severus could have told her was the worst possible way. 

The first time she discovered he had turned her hair bright pink, she went straight to Professor McGonagall, who gave Potter a detention. When Lily reported what she had done, Remus, Severus, and Sirius all winced. Now it was war. Lily came back from Care of Magical Creatures with her bookbag Charmed to say "Potter is the Best". Lily told McGonagall. Lily came back from Herbology with dirt magically adhered to her skin. Lily told McGonagall. After a week, everyone was tired of it, including McGonagall and her detention slip pad, but Potter seemed to be having fun. Each prank grew more and more elaborate and required more theatrics of him. Severus was thinking of how best to stage some kind of intervention, but before he could talk to Remus or Sirius about it, the Incident occurred.

It was dinnertime on Lily's birthday, and Sirius and Remus had smuggled up a custard tart from the kitchens for the occasion. As they tried to guard it from thieving first years and cut themselves a slice at the same time, Lily was opening the last gift, something from her parents. It was a long slender box, and when she opened it, she gasped in delight, Alice doing the same next to her. It was a charm bracelet, golden and delicate, and she rushed to put it on, struggling with the tiny clasp.

"Allow me," Potter said, swooping down from behind them and pointing his wand at the spell. _"Evadere,"_ he intoned, and the bracelet immediately slipped out of Lily's grasp and went flying into the air. "Oh no! Never fear, Evans, the great Quidditch Chaser James Potter is on the case!" Pulling his broom out from behind his back, he quickly shot into the air after the tiny golden necklace.

"Potter!" chorused Severus and Lily.

"James, honestly," added Sirius from beside them, looking up at his friend in exasperation. 

He flew quite well, weaving and turning and avoiding the large flags above each table, but James Potter was a Chaser, not a Seeker, and he kept missing his tiny target. It went around the staff table, where Dumbledore seemed to be chuckling and McGonagall was turning a frightening shade of purple. It swerved at the stained glass window, causing Potter to narrowly miss it himself, and then it flew directly at the floor between the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw tables. Potter was still after it, and the entire room was on its feet, some of them cheering and some yelling with annoyance or anger, and just as he reached out a hand to grab it--something else grabbed it instead.

Severus stood on his tiptoes to try and see, but couldn't, so he grabbed LIly and ran around to try and retrieve the bracelet before Potter did something even more heinous to it. He rounded the Hufflepuff table and came upon... a kitten? Yes, a tiny kitten had hooked the bracelet out of the air and was batting at it, even as it tried to get away. Potter leaned down, trying to snatch it, but yelped and jumped back, sporting new scratch marks on his hand.

"Oh, honestly, Mr. Potter! 50 points from Gryffindor for that... display. Go to the Hospital Wing to get that looked at, please." Professor McGonagall stalked up to the kitten, carefully disentangled its claws from the bracelet, and pointed her wand at it. " _Finite Incantatem._ Argus, come get your new cat, will you? She's lovely, by the way. And here you are, Ms. Evans." She held out the bracelet to Lily, who took it carefully with a sigh of relief.

"Here, Evans, I'll put it on for you," Potter said, starting towards them and looking proud as always.

"How _dare_ you, James Potter! You've always been full of yourself, pulling pranks and showing off, but now you're nothing more than a bully!" Lily sounded hysterical, trying to work the clasp on the bracelet, until finally she looked more closely at it, and then she turned toward Potter with so much fury in her eyes that he automatically took a step back. "You've broken it! The clasp won't close, now, and it's all your fault! It's my _birthday_ , and this was from my--" she choked back an angry sob and turned and ran out of the Great Hall. Severus spared Potter no more than a glance before following her out. He didn't deserve anything, least of all attention when he clearly craved it so much. 

 

"Lily, wait!" he called once he was outside the Hall, and she appeared from around the corner, face red and blotchy with tears.

"Why do I always have to cry? I'm angry, properly angry, and all I can do is..." she gestured to her face. "I should go back in there and do something."

"No, you shouldn't," said Remus, walking up to them. "James likes attention more than anything, so just...don't give him any. Although I think you scared him, just then, because he wasn't talking when I left. Is the bracelet really broken?"

"Yes, I think so," Lily said, holding out her hand with the jewelry. Sure enough, the small clasp was hanging loose, something in it broken. "That new cat is a menace."

_"Reparo,"_ Severus said, making sure to regulate the magic he put into the spell--the clasp was so very small.

Remus picked up the newly fixed bracelet and hooked it around Lily's wrist easily, and they all admired it for a moment before Lily started giggling. Remus and Severus looked at her, bewildered.

"He really... he cast a spell on my birthday present and then chased it around the room on a broom!" she said, still giggling. "How did he run out of good prank ideas so fast?"

"James rarely has good prank ideas, actually," Sirius said, rounding the corner. Severus stepped sideways slightly to let him into the circle. "He has the original idea, sure, but then Remus and I refine it."

"You two need to start doing that again, then, because this is just getting silly," Lily said, but there was still a touch of anger in her voice.

"I'll talk to him, Lily," Sirius said. "I'll talk to him today."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, James is a jerk. He'll get better, mostly. Also, baby Mrs. Norris! Next chapter you get to meet a new character that I've been planning for, bonus points if you can guess who it is in the comments.


	17. Blacks and Bargains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! Sorry for missing a week, I started my job at camp and we have no free time and almost no wifi, so it's a struggle. New character introduced this chapter, and I'm excited but he's hard to write the right way, so let me know how he comes off, if you would. Happy reading!

Severus wasn't sure what Remus and Sirius had said to Potter--he hadn't been present for the intervention, of course, and he wouldn't have known what to say even if he had been. But Potter had stopped pranking Lily, completely. It seemed that way, anyway, although Severus knew that Lily and Potter had Care of Magical Creatures together, without anyone else they really knew. A few of his plans involved spying on them during that class, but that was when he had Arithmancy with Sirius and Remus, so he'd have to tell them, and that didn't seem like a good idea. Sirius seemed to think the problem was completely solved, even though Severus--and Remus, he thought--could still see Lily and Potter glaring at each other sometimes. He rationalized his inaction by telling himself he was just keeping an eye on the situation.

 

To be honest, his worry about Lily and her future-past husband was put to the side by the arrival of another letter in mid-February, this one in his mother's hand rather than a doctor's. The words were shaky, as if she was having trouble holding the pen, and in it she told him she was looking forward to summertime, to seeing him. It was almost utterly identical in every way to many other letters he had gotten from her, which in itself was frightening. So much had changed, he thought. So much was different from before. What if everything actually stayed exactly the same? What if only _he_ was different? He might drown.

 

But it wasn't _completely_ utterly identical in every way. There, in the last line of the letter, in darker ink than the rest, was the word 'Hogwarts'. "I hope Hogwarts is wonderful," she had written, and that one word made his heart skip rather too many beats. He couldn't remember the last time she had said the word 'Hogwarts', much less written it and made it permanent, ink on paper. It made him want to run directly to her and hide from her forever at the same time, and it was thus a rather distracting envelope. It stayed in his bookbag for weeks, and he would spend class after class ignoring the professor and instead touching the letter in his bag, running over the conversation he would have with her in his head over and over and over again.

 

The problem was that he didn't know what she was going to _say_ , or if she was going to say anything at all, so it was really hard for him to plan what he was going to say in response. It was a Friday morning when he wondered to himself why he'd never had this issue in the future-past, not really, when he seemed to have it all the time now. He never knew what Remus or Lily was going to say, and he _definitely_ never knew what Sirius was going to start talking about. Why was that happening so much more now? And the answer he came up with was...interesting. Severus hadn't talked to a lot of people in the future-past, it was true, but he had talked to his mother and Lily, and a few Slytherins during exam season when blood status didn't matter so much. But...had he really talked to them? He remembered conversations with his mother, but they both mostly said what they were supposed to, and then parted ways again. He hadn't had a real conversation with her for years before she had died, Severus realized. And Lily--the first real conversations they had were the ones that signified the end of their friendship. He certainly hadn't known what she was going to say to him at any time, and so he'd--avoided her, Severus realized with a flash of guilt. His best friend, his only friend, the only bright spot in his life, and he'd avoided her rather than have a conversation he didn't know how to have. And then she'd begun avoiding him, not saying anything to him at all, which had been so horrible. And yet Severus remembered almost feeling relieved, because at least he knew then where they stood. On opposite sides of a thick, concrete wall.

 

Everything was a gray area now, everyone was straddling the wall. It was much harder to plan for. This letter was much harder to plan for, and it put him in a haze of uncertainty for almost a month, enough that he didn't notice things had changed until Sirius came up to him one day in the library. He slid his hand away from the letter that was in his pocket today, trying to focus back on the book in front of him. What subject was he supposed to be working on right now?

 

"Hey, Severus," Sirius said quietly, tapping a finger on the table in his peripheral vision. Sirius had learned early on to only disturb Remus, Lily, or Severus gently when they were studying. Severus and Remus would be annoyed. Lily might jinx you.

 

Severus closed the book, making sure to slip a bookmark between the pages for appearance's sake, and turned toward the other boy. "Yes?"

 

"I wanted to thank you for your Christmas present," Sirius said with a slight grin.

 

Severus wracked his brain for a moment. He hadn't gotten Sirius anything, Sirius had given him the contraption for Arithmancy and Severus had--

 

Severus had given Remus some advice. He looked back up at Sirius, who was smirking wildly at him now, perhaps making fun of him for forgetting so quickly. But wait, what if this was a trick? What if Remus _hadn't_ told him, and he was waiting for Severus to give it away? "I'm not sure what you mean," he hazarded, trying to keep his voice neutral.

 

"Oh, very good, well done. But he told me. You know, about his 'furry little problem'."

 

Severus let out a huge breath. "He did? Oh, good."

 

"Yeah. Yeah." Sirius lost his smile for a second. "Er, is he--is he alright? He told me he was...a _werewolf_ ," he said, whispering the last word, "and he was so nervous that I knew if I asked questions, he'd..."

 

"Not want to talk about it anymore?" Severus offered, and Sirius nodded. "Yeah, he's the same way with us. I've figured out things for myself, mostly." Severus considered his question and how honestly to answer it. If Remus had told him the main secret then the rest was probably alright, right? Maybe Remus would rather Severus answer his questions, anyway. "He's alright, yeah. The full moons are tough, but he's usually fine by mid-morning the next day."

 

"Good. Good." Sirius kept trying to smile, but not quite managing it. Finally he rested his head in both hands for a second, blew out a breath, and then looked back at Severus. "Sorry, I'm still trying to process this, and he told me two days ago. What am I supposed to do?"

 

"Not tell anyone," Severus said quickly. Would Sirius go running off to the Ministry, or something? He didn't think so, but--

 

"No, no, I know that. I've heard how people talk about werewolves. Bloody hell, remember Professor Hawke?" Sirius paused and looked stricken for a moment. "Oh, Merlin. That was why. That was why he--wasn't it?"

 

"He poisoned him, with wolfsbane," Severus said solemnly, the memory of a shivering and crying Remus in a cage in his mind. That was not a day he liked to remember, and he had plenty of those. "It was horrible."

 

"Right. Right. Merlin, I feel like I should go--apologize to Remus, or curse Hawke, or something. But no, I meant, what am I supposed to do to help?"

 

Severus nodded at his reaction to the Hawke situation. Maybe if enough people knew about it, they could get together and go after the former professor. Not yet, though, not until it was feasible to know as many dark curses as Severus did. But as for Sirius's question... "You can't do a lot. Act normal about it, I suppose. Help Remus feel normal. He was so terrified to tell you. He was terrified to tell me and Lily, and I think it just... eats at him. I--I bring him chocolate, the morning after the full moon." Severus mumbled that last bit, a little embarrassed, but Sirius had asked and Remus always said that the chocolate helped. Maybe Sirius could help Remus more, somehow.

 

"Alright." Sirius didn't look happy, but he looked like he was thinking, weighing what Severus had said, and that was a start. "I didn't come here just to thank you for the gift, though."

 

"Oh?" Severus asked, furrowing his brow. What else did Sirius want to talk about? Had even more than Remus spilling his secret happened in the last few days? He hadn't been _that_ out of it, had he?

 

"So Remus told me, y'know, and then he said it was a Christmas present from you. He was mostly joking, I think, but I asked him about it, and he said you told him he could trust me. Which he could, but you told him that right after I had just apologized for all that horrible stuff I said and did to you before, which just means that you really believed me, y'know?"

 

Severus looked at him, trying to figure out what exactly he was saying. He supposed it was fine for Remus to have told him about their talk. It would be silly to not be able to tell someone about their Christmas present. Still, he felt self-conscious about it. He _had_ told Remus he could trust Sirius all of ten minutes after Sirius had turned over a new leaf. He had had a...good feeling, almost, about Sirius Black, which was odd in and of itself. Even now he had a good feeling about him, like he could trust him. Had he changed so much from future-past Sirius Black, traitor and murderer?

 

"So I decided I should just trust you too, then. Since you trust me. And really, I know more secrets about you than you know about me, and I know that Slytherins hate that."

 

He was right. Slytherins _did_ hate that. Severus had been counting things that happened in the future-past as secrets held against Sirius Black, but they weren't, and he did feel a little unbalanced about it all. He nodded, and Sirius grinned at his statement being verified. The smile quickly fell away though, as Sirius braced himself against the table slightly.

 

"So, our families aren't that different."

 

Severus immediately stiffened. He hadn't expected the conversation to go in this direction, and the letter in his pocket floated through his mind.

 

Sirius must have seen the change in his body language, because he backtracked. "We don't have to talk about your family, I just wanted to say something about mine. Do you--Regulus Black is my brother, did you know that?"

 

"Yes," Severus said. He heard the tone of _obviously_ in his voice, and hurried to quash it. There was no reason for him to know of their relation, especially not with how big the Black family was.

 

Still, Sirius shot him a curious look before continuing. "He went home for Christmas this year, and I didn't."

 

Severus nodded again, remembering that he had noted the younger Slytherin's absence over break. It had seemed curious, but... "You wanted to stay, to hang out with Remus and study for..." he trailed off. Partially because Sirius had shook his head minutely, and partly because he recognized that phrase. He had always made an excuse like that in the future-past. I'm spending time with a new friend, Lily, or I'm working on a project, Lily, that's why I'm staying here this year.

 

"I got a letter from my mother. They're always from my mother, even though both of my parents sign them," Sirius began talking quickly, angrily. "It said not to bother coming home, that they and Regulus didn't want me there. I only got it two days before break, and so I didn't have a chance to...to ask him. Regulus."

 

Severus didn't nod, only looked at Sirius. Had this happened in the future-past? He remembered seeing Black--not this Sirius, a different, faraway one--over breaks a lot, it was true. Had they both been banned from going home by their mothers, stuck in Hogwarts alone, on opposite sides of the castle?

 

"I just want to know what I did, that he didn't want me to come home. We used to be close, but ever since I got Sorted into Gryffindor and then he got Sorted into Slytherin, he won't talk to me."

 

"I'm sorry," Severus said, trying to apologize for the future-past without saying it, struggling for anything else to say. What would it be like to have a sibling like that? He had lost Lily because of house rivalries, but surely it wasn't anything close to the same thing.

 

"I'm fine, I just...you're the only Slytherin I know, other than Reg, and you hang out with Slytherins and Gryffindors. You could talk to him, right? If you wanted to?"

 

Sirius wanted him to talk to his brother for him? This was such a bad idea. "Maybe. I'm a half-blood, and he..." Severus trailed off. Sirius probably knew about his brother's views already, and listing them wouldn't help. "I might be able to, but I don't know what I would say, and he probably wouldn't even pay attention..."

 

"If you just said that I want to know why he didn't want me at Christmas, maybe he'd come talk to me himself, even just to yell at me about it. I can't get _close_ enough to him to say anything, for him to see me. Please?" Sirius looked up at him, and he looked so desperate to see his brother, even to be yelled at. He looked so sad and frustrated, something Severus had never seen on his face before. It was unnerving.

 

"I--I don't know," Severus said, meaning that he wasn't sure if he should do it. He'd probably just make the situation worse, a half-blood speaking on behalf of his Pureblood Gryffindor brother.

 

"I get it, I'm sorry, it's fine. This isn't me trying to...to guilt you, or anything. I didn't apologize for this. Thank you for helping with Remus." Sirius stood up, and started to walk away.

 

Severus stared after him, stunned into stillness. Never had a Gryffindor given up that quickly, what was happening? The sound of Sirius's hand hitting the library door pushed him into action. He grabbed his bag and rushed after him, catching him as he turned the corner down the hall from the library. "Sirius, wait!"

 

Sirius turned around, and looked honestly surprised. Severus put aside the remaining sliver of doubt that had told him walking away was a ploy. "I just meant that I don't think it'll help for me to do it. If you...if you really want me to try, I will." His mother's letter was burning in his pocket, reminding him of the second chance he'd been given with the one part of his family he loved. 

 

"You can't hurt," Sirius said, with a chuckle. "Right now he flees if I'm in the same hallway as him."

 

Severus gave him a small smile back. "I can try and talk to him tonight, in the Common Room. I'll let you know what happens."

 

Sirius grinned, big and wide, and bumped Severus's shoulder with his as he started walking down the hallway again. "Thank you, Severus."

 

"You're welcome," Severus returned, and then hesitated before continuing. "My parents always tell me to stay here, too."

 

Sirius looked at him, pausing in his long strides before starting again, determined to treat this conversation as normal. "Maybe it'll change, now that things are different with your mum and dad."

 

"Maybe," Severus said, and new possibilities, new plans appeared in his mind. What would Christmas at home, for the first time in more than a decade, be like?

 

He had told Sirius he'd try and talk to his brother that night, and he wanted to keep his promise, but the younger Slytherin was sitting by the fire. He was talking to Crouch Jr., but surrounded by other students, and nothing about that situation was something Severus wanted to interrupt. So instead, he took a seat by Trish, who turned from her conversation briefly to send him a smile. He glanced over every few minutes, to see if the fan club had receded, but there were more, if that was even possible. Maybe he could catch him before breakfast tomorrow, or something, although he had no idea when Regulus Black left in the morning.

 

He had just resigned himself to his fate, of having to go back to Sirius empty-handed tomorrow, when he heard someone clear their throat behind him. He turned around slowly, as confrontations in the Slytherin Common Room rarely went well. Black was standing there, one eyebrow arched, arms crossed.

 

"Yes?" he said, and Severus balked.

 

"I--I wasn't--what?" he said, eloquently. Did this boy know Occlumency, or something?

 

"You were staring at me, I drew the obvious conclusion that you wished to speak to me," he explained. Well. No Occlumency, then, and obviously Severus's spy skills were seriously rusty. Made by a 12-year-old, honestly.

 

"I needed to talk to you about something," he said, and really wished that it sounded less like a question. He stood up, hoping being taller would help with the fact that he was intimidated by someone younger than him, but much to his dismay they were almost the same height.

 

"Oh?" Black questioned, still just standing there, waiting. 

 

As much as Severus wanted to get this over with, he also knew that if he broadcasted the Black family issues to the half of Slytherin currently paying attention to him, he would never be able to sleep safely in his bed again. "Can we..." he trailed off, gesturing to the hallway leading to the boy's dormitories.

 

Black shrugged, and began walking in that direction, calm and collected as always and exuding this--effortless cool. When they got to the hallway, he stopped short and swung back to face him. "What?" he said, and Severus saw that cool facade drop just a bit, showing annoyance and a bit of curiosity.

 

"I have a message from Si--from your brother," Severus said, talking quickly before he could leave. "He wants to know why you didn't want him home for Christmas."

 

"Are you joking?" Black said, and he was honestly gaping at Severus. "Are you honestly--what are you, a messenger pigeon for my brother who cannot manage to get within 50 metres of me because he's really the least subtle person I know? So he sent a man on the inside to cast not-so-covert glances at me all night and then drag me across the room, just to ask me why _I_ didn't want _him_ to come to Christmas? Is he not the most--" he stopped his tirade to stare at Severus, his eyes widening, and then he turned and walked away, grabbing his bookbag off the couch on his way out the Common Room door.

 

"Almost curfew, Black!" someone yelled from the fan club, and he just held up a hand in response and kept walking. Severus hoped he was walking directly to Sirius to continue yelling at him instead. Which was close enough to what Sirius had wanted, really. This was enough of a success. Time for journaling and bed.

 

It was almost an hour later when Black--Regulus--burst into his dorm room. Mulciber and Avery weren't in yet, probably laughing with the fireplace crew, so it was just Severus that jumped with surprise and grabbed his wand automatically.

 

Black held up his hands in a joking defense. "Not dueling, just talking, Severus Snape."

 

Severus let go of his wand, relatively certain that Black wouldn't attack him so close to the rest of Slytherin House and the Lesser-Blood Brigade. "What are we talking about?" he asked, haltingly. Damn, he should have followed him and heard what he said to Sirius, so he could judge the reactions to it. He was assuming too much nowadays.

 

"I don't enjoy owing people anything. It feels... unbalanced. I'm sure you agree, most true Slytherins do. So I have a proposal, for how I can repay you, so that we may remain even."

 

Severus nodded. He had barely gotten used to being unbalanced with his friends, to trusting that it would all even out in the end, and he wasn't about to do that with a near stranger, much less another Slytherin. "What is your proposal?" he asked, slipping into the more formal speech that the other boy was using.

 

"There are two ways to survive in this house if your blood is not pure. You must either slip through unnoticed, blending in with everyone else, always in their peripheral vision, or you must mimic so closely the appearance and performance of a true pureblood that your respect and preference for their lifestyle is obvious. Pardon me, but you do neither, and I rather think you would want help with that."

 

Severus stared at Sirius Black's brother. Before, he had not seen that many similarities, though certainly they looked somewhat alike. But Merlin, neither of them ever stopped talking. So many words just to say... "You want to help me act more like a Pureblood?"

 

"You want me to help you act more like a Pureblood, actually. And look more like one, too," he responded with a slight grin. Not as easy as Sirius's would have been, though. These slight differences were so much more interesting than the colors on their robes or their class schedules.

 

This was an interesting proposition. Severus's pride told him not to subject himself to this, and that in itself was a novel experience. The notion of his pride. True, he had thought his pride had ruined his friendship with Lily in the future-past, but had it really? He had mostly been afraid. Terrified of how he could ruin her life, with his Slytherin nature, with his Pureblood allies who treated him like a slightly interesting Lesser-blood pet who was rather good at potion-making. And then it turned out that her life was ruined even without him, or maybe that he had ruined her life by not being her friend. 

 

Regardless, he almost had too much pride to tell Regulus Black to give him a... makeover, of sorts. But the usefulness it would bring him might be helpful in his overall mission. To be able to pass as a Pureblood, to be accepted in Slytherin? Lily and Remus wouldn't worry about him as much. He could focus on them, and less on himself. He could put up with this slightly condescending Black for a little while. Plus, he really didn't like someone owing him a favor--it made them more likely to think unkindly of him, and pay attention to him.

 

"Alright, fine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah it's Regulus and he's also gonna be an asshole for a while, I'm not about the whole "secretly a heart of gold" thing. He's an elitist douche. We'll work on it. Bonus points to anyone who can ever guess the two characters I'm basing Severus and Regulus's interactions off of. I may drop a reference in the next chapter :)


	18. Hairstyles and Halfway

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Many, many apologies, it's definitely been like a month. But now I'm back from the place I worked all summer, so I have actual wifi and actual time, and hopefully we'll get back on a schedule. Also, I've been informed that the beginning of this chapter is confusing if you haven't just read the last one. So. Sorry about that. No trigger warnings. Happy reading!

Severus sat on his bed, looking at Regulus Black beside him with dawning comprehension. "Purebloods are taught things when they're four or five years old that other wizards may never be taught."

 

"Nonsense," Black answered, but he looked slightly uncomfortable for a moment before continuing. "You could, at any time if you wished, learn these things yourself."

 

"But not if we don't know what we're missing," Severus insisted. A grave injustice had been exposed, something he'd never even thought about before. Black had spent the last hour critiquing every aspect of his appearance, and while some of it was things he recognized as Pureblood aesthetics, some of it was completely new. How would he ever have known that his robe sleeves needed to be a half inch too _long_ , to signify that he didn't need to do any work without a wand? And who in the world would know whether his underpants were Muggle? He definitely needed to learn the spell Black had done to cause all his clothing to appear in front of them, like a closet in midair. He also needed to figure out how to block it, at least for his underthings. 

 

Black shifted where he sat, looking past Severus for a moment until he looked back at him. "Perhaps Half-Bloods should be given a book, so if they wished to improve themselves, they could," he suggested, and Severus was surprised. Was Regulus Black, the boy voted most-likely-to-be-a-Death-Eater, trying to find a solution to blood supremacy? "Either way, you now know what you need to improve and change--we are even." With that, he left the room.

 

Well, he had tried briefly, at least. Severus wondered if there _were_ any books like that. Surely most Purebloods didn't want Lesser-bloods to be able to mimic them, to 'rise to their level', as Black had put it earlier. And even if some of them expected Lesser-bloods to learn these things, wouldn't they be like Regulus Black, and assume that there was already a way to? Well, either way, he was even with the other Slytherin, and knew all sorts of new things that were wrong with his appearance.

 

Not everything had been unhelpful, certainly. Some things were--had he really expected Severus to go out and buy a mother-of-pearl-inlaid wand holder, to symbolize something or other? But he had mentioned spells, things that Severus had never read in any textbook. 

 

Severus opened his door, peeking around it to make sure no one else was in sight. No one needed to be around for this experiment. He hurried to the bathroom down the hall, locking the door behind him with a locking spell that most third years didn't know, and then faced himself in the mirror. He hit his hair with his usual cleaning spell, and it did the usual job--he had accepted long ago that his hair just didn't clean up very well. If it was clean, it was almost like straw and went everywhere almost immediately, and if it was dirty, it was very obviously greasy. There was no way to win, and not cleaning it twice a day meant he had to think about it less. After a while, he had just gotten used to being mocked for it, for something he couldn't help. But Black had said...

 

_"Wingardium Leviosa,"_ he cast at the bar of soap on the sink, and watched his hair. Sure enough, a few strands lifted into the air, disrupted by his magic. How had he never noticed it before? Then again, he rarely did any magic in the bathroom--cleaning spells were for when you couldn't be bothered to go in the bathroom at all. All right then, Black was partially right at least. Doing magic was what made his hair stand on end. He had been bullied in the future-past, forced into washing his hair less, because his magic was 'so powerful it affected the air around him'? That was...surprisingly upsetting, really. Severus wondered how many of the people who had pointed and laughed had known why. Did they know that all he apparently needed was a spell? Were they laughing at his hair, or his ignorance?

_"Capillum Spargo,"_ he intoned, and watched as his hair floated into a much more manageable state. That was that, then, and Regulus Black had solved in five minutes something he'd been trying to solve for years. He flicked his wand at his hair again and watched as it tied itself back. If he was going to take Black's advice on one aspect of his hair, he might as well try all his hair advice at once and see what happened.

 

It was a testament to the differences between this timeline and the future-past, how much people noticed Severus's new hairstyle. It wasn't a lot of people, of course, and it wasn't all at once, but he remembered a time in his future-past fifth year where he went through at least four styles in a month, trying desperately to find a more flattering one, and no one had commented. This time, though, by the time classes were done for the year he'd gotten more comments--both negative and positive--than he'd ever gotten in his life. He had known he was more visible, the Slytherin with all the friends in Gryffindor, but he got comments from people in Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, students he had never met in either timeline. The most telling, or perhaps confusing, reactions were from people he _did_ know, though.

 

"You look like a Pureblood," Lily had told him, when he finally asked her why she kept glancing at his hair during their study hour.

 

He didn't really know how to respond to that. He felt slightly vindicated, that this one small change might help him fit in better, but the way she had said it--

 

"You look like my cousin," Sirius offered from beside her, tipping his head to the side and narrowing his eyes.

 

"A good cousin or a bad cousin?" Remus asked, and Sirius glanced at him, eyes slightly widened, trying to communicate... _something_. Remus widened his eyes in response and quirked up a corner of his mouth. Sirius rolled his eyes but bit his lip.

 

Severus watched all of this with slight fascination. When had those two invented a language?

 

"I _meant_ ," Sirius said, turning away from Remus, "that he looks like some cousin I've never met that showed up at the big family reunion. Someone I don't know but I'm probably related to. Y'know, black hair, Pureblood ponytail, Slytherin."

 

Severus shuddered, subtly, at the idea of being at a Black family reunion. He would be eaten alive, he was sure.

 

"What's next?" Lily asked, that same strange bitterness at the edge of her voice. "Picking up their language?"

 

Severus just looked at her, his heart beating just a little bit faster at her tone of voice. Why was she mad at him? What had he done wrong? He hadn't protected her from anyone lately, and he certainly hadn't called her a Mud--that word, again, or anyone else.

 

Remus had picked up on it too, if the way his eyebrows were furrowed was any indication, but Sirius just looked amused. "I spent years trying to pick up their language, that bloody formal stuff, and then decided it was far too much trouble. Reg went all-in, though."

 

Sirius had been mentioning his brother all morning, and kept shooting Severus looks when he did. Like Severus was an Occlumens or something, honestly. He doubted Sirius wanted his favor broadcasted in front of the whole group, so Severus would just have to wait and ask when they were alone, but it was bloody irritating.

 

"That's not what I meant," Lily said.

 

And _what_ was she upset about?

 

"What did you mean?" he asked her, trying to cover up his nervous frustration as best he could.

 

"I mean, you've obviously picked up some new traits from Slytherin, so when are you going to start--I don't know, hissing at me in hallways and calling me a M--" she broke off, obviously unwilling to say it herself, and Severus could do nothing but stare back at her.

 

He felt chilled, to the bone, that he had made her afraid of him or mad at him in any way. He felt angry, that obviously other Slytherins had done that to her. He felt anxious, nervous, that the same thing was about to happen now as in the future-past. He does something wrong, she's hurt by it, they're not friends anymore.

 

But he also felt--upset. At her, at Lily. Because--Severus tried to analyze the feeling, tried to understand it, still staring at his oldest friend. Because a hairstyle had made her think he was going to become a bully, a hateful person. Did she really doubt him that much? Did she not have any faith, even now, that he would always be on her side?

 

Would she yell at him, drop him as a friend, because of a new spell for his hair and a leather tie?

 

"What are you talking about?" Remus said, breaking through his reverie, and his tone of voice was slightly frightening too.

 

"I'm just--"

 

"You think he's gonna--what? Snap? Severus, our best mate, who would never in a million years call you _anything_ like that," and at that Severus flinched, but Remus was still talking, "and you think pulling his hair back gives him a personality change?!" Remus sat back, breathing a little hard, and noticed them all--and some people at nearby tables--staring at him. He flushed beet red, and looked kind of--scared?

 

Lily looked confused, now, but still with that tinge of bitterness. "I just don't think he should take any more advice from Purebloods, that's all."

 

"Then tell him that," Remus returned, gesturing at Severus, "but don't accuse him of things he wouldn't do." He was speaking much quieter, now, and his ears were still red, and he looked remarkably like a rabbit about to flee in terror.

 

"I--" Lily stopped, and looked at Severus, then let out a deep breath. "I'll see you later." With that, she picked up her stuff and left the library, shooting Severus a small smile as she walked away.

 

"Wow, Remus, I've never heard you even raise your voice before," Sirius commented, sounding surprised, and Severus winced internally. That was something guaranteed to drive Remus away.

 

Sure enough, Remus was up too, whole face red and one hand picking nervously at the skin of his elbow. "I'm gonna go talk to her, I'll see you later," he said to Severus, then glanced at Sirius briefly before hiking his bag over his shoulder and walking away.

 

Sirius turned back to Severus, not looking like anything was wrong, and Severus sighed at his Gryffindor obliviousness. _Here_ was a quality of Gryffindor that he didn't want to catch from his friends. Seeming to finally see all the frustration and sadness on Severus's face--and wasn't that just sad, that Sirius Black could read him better than Remus?--Sirius cocked his head to the side. "What?" he asked, honestly curious.

 

"What do you mean, what?" Severus asked, still not quite believing how Sirius had missed the several disasters that had just occurred. He missed Sirius's grin at his impatient and snippy tone of voice.

 

"I'm sure Remus'll calm her down. She just got a bit scared, is all, and once she's not all emotional, she'll see she overreacted. Although you probably shouldn't take too much more advice from my brother."

 

It was Severus's turn to be confused. "How did--"

 

"How did I know my brother told you to change your hair?" Sirius guessed, and then smiled rather painfully. "I come from a family of Slytherins. You talked to my brother, my brother came to me. We cleared it up, by the way, turns out my mother is just a raging sociopath, which I already knew." Severus blinked several times at this determination, but Sirius just kept going. "He went back to Slytherin, and then you show up the next day looking like a newborn Pureblood. You did him a favor, he did you a favor to even the score, right?"

 

Severus nodded. He _so_ badly wanted to ask what the brothers had talked about, but he wasn't sure what level of friendship he and Sirius were at. And honestly, he didn't need the danger of knowing more of Regulus Black's secrets, either. Instead, he asked something else. "Why do you think Lily is scared?"

 

"I don't think you know how different you look today. She saw how much you changed and freaked a bit, is all. We all saw the change, I guess, but me and Remus don't get accosted for our blood status on a daily basis. She saw you change and was worried that you'd just keep changing, 'til she didn't know you anymore."

 

That was a rather elegant and deep thought for Sirius, at least the Sirius he had known so far.

 

"That's what my mother said, although hers had rather more expletives, of course, and she was actually right. About me changing into someone she didn't know. Although the jury's out on whether she knew me before that or not, really."

 

Ah, they had been his mother's words. The sociopathic mother, apparently, which was still ever-so-slightly concerning. "Thank you," Severus said, quite genuinely. It sometimes took him a couple of days and a painful conversation or two to understand why Lily was upset about something, because she either let it all out, or kept it all in. She was an all-or-nothing person, which was perhaps the reason that they didn't communicate very effectively. That, and Severus's general lack of communication skills. Speaking of communication...

 

"Remus isn't actually going to talk to her, by the way," he offered in return, and Sirius looked up at him, surprised. "He might, if he runs into her, but he doesn't like when he almost-yells at people, or gets emotional." Remus had almost-yelled on his behalf, he remembered, and the thought made him smile for a moment. That Remus had immediately taken Severus's side, before Severus himself had, and defended him to Lily? Not a bully, not a Slytherin, Lily. He'd done that for Severus.

 

"Why?" Sirius asked, and Severus refocused on him. He was slightly surprised that Sirius couldn't read Remus's facial expressions as well as him, but then again, in this timeline Remus was closer to him than to Sirius. How utterly backward.

 

"It's because of his lycanthropy," Severus said, keeping his voice low. "He equates getting mad with the transformation, somehow, I think."

 

"He told you that?" Sirius asked, and Severus saw in his face that he knew what the answer would be.

 

"No," Severus confirmed, and Sirius grimaced in understanding. "It's a hypothesis born of observation. It's worse if we point it out, that he's raised his voice. And he doesn't do it very often, but it's more likely to happen near the full moon." Severus noticed his voice had become more like a Professor's as he went on, almost turning into a lecture on werewolves. Maybe someday he could do that, Severus thought. Give a lecture on what werewolves were, _really_ were. But then again, any lecture might require pictures, and Severus still woke up in a cold sweat from that old memory in the Shrieking Shack, sometimes.

 

"That's so... _stupid_ of him," Sirius said, and Severus hummed noncommittally. Really, he understood Remus's fears almost too well. Hiding a part of yourself, so as to not upset the people around you? Or maybe just so they'll keep liking you, keep accepting you? Severus had some experience with that. Remus didn't need to do that, of course.

 

Severus wasn't sure if Lily avoided him the last few days of their third year, or if he was just imagining it. True, sometimes he didn't see her when they didn't have classes, since most people stayed in their dorms. But she had been mad at him, and then she had walked away, and now he wasn't seeing her, and it was too eerily similar to the future-past for him to get any kind of grip on his anxiety.

 

What also wasn't helping was the nearness of his summer, and his mother, and--just everything. He spent the last hours before the train sitting on his bed, staring at his meticulously packed trunk, and making lists and plans in his head. He had long since learned that listing things calmed him down, made everything in his head sort itself out, like a parliament of owls finally settling onto their perches. So far, he had planned his summer homework, including priority of each assignment, made a list of each correction Black had suggested and their various levels of difficulty and offensiveness, and created a plan for Lily never talking to him again, which he had to scrap halfway through due to the unknown variables. Finally, it was time to go, and he stood with his brain whirring between his ears, trying to think of something to plan that wouldn't make him want to curl up into a ball.

 

For lack of a better idea, he lapsed back into the plan he lived every day: how to change the future-past. He had until her--her death, ostensibly, but Severus had always assumed his influence would fade once they didn't live in the same castle. So, he had until graduation, which was in--

 

It was in four years. He was almost halfway through Hogwarts, for the second time. How had time flown so quickly this time, when last time it had dragged on and on? Was it that his classes were so easy for him this time?

 

"Severus?"

 

Severus spun, almost falling to the floor, his heart pounding. Lily stood there, mouth half open, looking like she was caught between laughing and apologizing.

 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to--I didn't know you were that deep in your head. You usually don't do that while you walk."

 

Did that mean he went into his head other times? Well, he knew he did, but he only really let himself when no one was paying attention to him. 

 

Lily opened her mouth to speak and hesitated, and then Severus saw her almost push herself forward, taking a step toward him. "I'm sorry about the other day, in the library, I was wrong."

 

Severus stared at her, two emotions warring in his chest. The first, the familiar and sensical, was an immense feeling of relief. She had apologized, and they could move on, as they always did. That sense of relief was so freeing, with a twinge of joy that she had missed him enough to come to him, and he almost disregarded the dull ache hiding underneath it.

 

But he had been running through all the conversations of that morning in the library, searching for the truth of what Lily had been thinking, what she had been feeling. He had known her for--well, almost 15 years now, even if she hadn't spoken to him for some of them. And so much of the time, Lily's emotions were out in the open. She wore pride like a cape, happiness like a tiara, sadness like a raincloud. Everything was loud and blunt and _honest_ , and Severus loved that about her, loved how she had never played games like so many Slytherins. But in the library that day, she had said she was upset with him, that he had done something wrong and she was angry. She had said that, and he had taken it as gospel, even if he didn't agree with her underlying logic. But Remus had said that she wasn't mad at him, just distrustful. And Sirius had said she was afraid, of him and his various potentials.

 

What had she really been thinking? And if she had been lying about her emotions this time, could she have been lying every time? Did she hide sadness under a tiara, exhaustion under a cape, anger under a raincloud? Did he know her at all? He wanted to  reassure himself,  but more than that, he wanted to know that the person he cared most for in this world was still who he understood her to be. So Severus pushed himself forward too, and did something he hadn't done before, at least as far as he could remember. He asked her why.

 

"What do you mean?" she asked, seeming genuinely confused. Did he know what confused looked like on her, really?

 

"I mean--why did you say those things? Why did you think I'd...go bad?" Did he really want to hear her answer?

 

Lily looked at him, biting her lower lip as her forehead wrinkled, in thought or confusion, he wasn't sure. "...I--" she started finally, "--you know I get bothered by Slytherins, blood supremacists, sometimes. It's--sort of more than sometimes, I suppose, and that's not your fault, but you showed up with their look, y'know? You usually look so out of place in Slytherin--" here Severus winced slightly, he hadn't known it was that obvious, "--and it's pretty easy to just pretend the colors on your robes are wrong and you're not...like them." She trailed off at the end, reaching up to tug on her ponytail, wrapping a loose hair tight around her index finger, watching it turn purple in lieu of looking anywhere near Severus's eyes. "I know you're not like them, or at least my brain knows, but sometimes I feel things before I think them." She laughed a little, still staring at her finger, until she shook off the invisible weight on her shoulders and the angry strand of hair, standing up straight and looking right at Severus, ponytail swinging behind her like normal. "I guess you know that about me, probably."

 

Severus watched her shrug on the mantle of Gryffindor bravery, and wished he had the same ability. "I'm not going to become like the others," he said, a promise to her and to her future-past self, a promise to himself. "You don't need to--to worry." She hadn't mentioned being scared, so he certainly wasn't going to.

 

"Alright," she said, a small smile on her face now, and she walked forward and linked her arm with his, leaning against him briefly before continuing on toward the Great Hall alongside him. "I won't."


	19. Quiet and Questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, it's been over a month, oops! I'm just not going to promise things from now on.
> 
> Welcome to Severus's fourth year! It's gonna be a doozy. No specific trigger warnings for this chapter, unless you can sense the anguish and rage I experienced trying to write it. If you're reading this right after it was published, I'm sorry, it hasn't been beta'd. I wanted to post it before I overthought it.

Severus stared down at the packet of parchment in front of him, and then glanced up again at the very handsome owl preening itself in the window. A bizarre end to a truly bizarre summer. He had never gotten an owl in his life, other than the one on his 11th birthday, and he hadn't even _been_ here for that this time around. And now, here he was, staring at the Black family seal no less. He had briefly thought it was from Sirius and then dismissed that entirely--Sirius would never be this formal, using a pristinely-pressed crest in blood-red wax.

 

Severus opened the envelope, revealing several long sheets of parchment that had been carefully, carefully folded, and read the first line. _Mr. Severus Snape of Slytherin House_ , it read. Regulus Black, Severus thought, and unfolded the sheets all the way, marveling at the tiny, precise print.

 

> _Mr. Severus Snape of  Slytherin House,_
> 
> _I am writing to you with a proposal. You may well ask yourself, why do I inquire of you? The answer is three-fold, and I shall explain each fold as fully as possible so you may truly understand._
> 
> __

 

Severus reread the first three sentences, and for the first time in years, made the conscious decision not to acquire _all_ the information. His mother was downstairs, and dinner was in a few minutes. They might have a conversation, and they not, but even the almost-comfortable silence was a blessing, in Severus's opinion, and he didn't want to miss a minute of it because of an uppity Slytherin. Plus, this owl looked like it might hurt him if he took too long. Wait, Severus revised--it looked like it would sue him into the ground. Violence was too undignified.

 

Taking a deep breath, Severus started to skim the letter. _...that as a member of Slytherin house, you are more likely to...used to a certain level of personal confidentiality...friend of my dear brother, Sirius, though how you have managed...of all his friends, you are...with whom I might strike a deal...Gryffindor-ish qualities that are quite bothersome...and so you see why it is to you that I am writing._

 

Severus flipped to the next sheet of parchment.

> _So now, onto the proposal I wish to extend to you. Our previous arrangement last year revealed to me an area of the world about which I am ashamed to say I have a slight deficit of knowledge: that of the, as you called them, Lesser-Bloods. So I propose a similar understanding to the previous one. I will offer you advice on how better to impersonate the being and presence of a Pureblood, and in return, you will answer any questions I have about your experiences as a Half-blood or your life in the nonMagical World. I also may, from time to time, use you to deliver communications to my brother, Sirius Black._
> 
> _If this proposal is amenable to you, I implore you to write back most promptly, as school starts imminently and I wish to have all my affairs in order before that occurs._
> 
> _Most Cordially,_
> 
> _Regulus Arcturus Black_

Severus quickly translated the letter from Pureblood Slytherin in his head. Regulus wanted him to answer questions about not being a Pureblood, and perhaps send messages to Sirius, in exchange for more examples of how he didn't look like a Pureblood.

 

Well, part of that wasn't an issue at all. Severus had a feeling Sirius would welcome any and all messages from his brother, and having Slytherin house see Regulus Black greet a half-blood in any way less than hostile could only work in Severus's favor.

 

As for answering questions about the nonMagical world, Severus decided that was something that would only help, as well. Either Black took the information and decided to ignore it altogether, an overwhelmingly likely option, or it affected him in some way. If it made him _more_ of a Death Eater, well, he'd have been one anyway, and if it made him less of one, Sirius and Lily and most of the lesser-Bloods in the school would no doubt appreciate it.

 

It was true, of course, that any information Severus gave Black could be used against him. But the potential benefits outweighed that cost, definitely.

 

Probably.

 

He'd leave out most of the details.

 

As for what Black offered him in return, that's where Severus was stuck, Lily's angry words to him echoing in his head. Did he really want to look more like a Pureblood? Sure, it might help him blend in, but if it hurt Lily...

 

Sirius had also warned him that taking advice from his brother might turn out to be bad for him. And he had gotten so much advice already - at the end of his "makeover", the suggestions had gotten downright ridiculous and offensive, and definitely infeasible.

 

That was that, then. No more Pureblood advice from Regulus Black. But he couldn't give anything to Black without getting anything in return. It wasn't the Slytherin way, and Black had already shown that he didn't care for imbalance in the least. So what did he want, that Black would be willing to give him?

 

Acceptance, Severus decided. Or at least the appearance of acceptance. Black might not agree to it, or he might offer a lesser version of it, but even a slight lessening of harassment would change so much.

 

"Tob-"

 

Severus looked up from the letter and at his closed bedroom door, staring at the off-white paint. He could almost see his mother on the other side, one fist raised to knock lightly, forever unsure of what name to call him.

 

"Son?"

 

So, she used neither. That was fine with Severus - her new chosen address for him had two big upsides. It wasn't his father's name, and that in itself would be enough, but it held a sort of aftertaste of motherly affection, like a hand on his shoulder or a note in his lunch back in primary school.

 

"Yes?" he answered, trying not to speak too loudly. He couldn't open the door, not with what was probably Regulus Black's personal owl sitting there, but he didn't want to startle his mother. Loud noises did that, had done that as long as he could remember.

 

"Supper is ready."

 

"Alright, I'll be there in a moment."

 

Only her soft footsteps answered him. Severus looked at the parchment once more, trying to decide how in the world to phrase his response. Should he be equally formal? Moreso? Determinedly casual?

 

But his mother was waiting in the kitchen. He grabbed some paper from a drawer - let Black by aghast at "Muggle parchment", he was the one who wanted a deal - and began to scribble a response, not really caring what it sounded like.

> _Mr. Regulus Black,_
> 
> _I agree with your side of the deal, or what I can do for you, but not to the other. Rather than get additional feedback on my appearance, I'd like you to show some measure of acceptance, or at least apathy, towards those I associate with. If that is amenable, let me know._
> 
> _Sincerely,_
> 
> _Severus Snape_

Severus stared at his quickly-penned letter. It was entirely too crude, too offensive. Black would be less than impressed. But then, here was someone Severus felt no need to impress. Regulus Black thought the worst of him already, so it didn't much matter what Severus said to him.

 

Plus, his mother was waiting.

 

Severus stuffed the paper in an envelope and handed it to the owl, which flew off without any further ado. Well, Severus thought, that was that. He got to his feet, shut his window, and made his way to the kitchen.

 

Eileen Snape sat at the small table, head down, hands clasped in her lap. Anyone else might have thought she was praying, but the Snape family hadn't been religious in a long time. Severus sat down across from her and reached for the dish of stew in the middle of the table.

 

"Thank you," he said, in a carefully regulated volume and tone. "It looks good."

 

"You're quite welcome," his mother replied, and seemed to snap out of her reverie, taking the serving spoon from him.

 

They both lapsed into silence. It was going to be one of those lunches, Severus thought, not unhappily. Since he had been home for the summer, conversations with his mother had gone from one extreme to another without pause. One day, she had burst into tales of her life at Hogwarts, mentioning names of professors and friends that Severus had never heard of before. The next day, he had said the word "transfiguration" and she had left the room in a panic.

 

Severus's reactions varied wildly, too. Once he had needed to take a walk and calm down, rather than yell at her about his father and his childhood and her choices, and her death. And sometimes he found himself laughing.

 

This oscillation, this never really knowing what to expect, was why Severus hadn't seen Lily all summer. He couldn't leave the house, when any moment he and his mother could have a real conversation, could speak about magic as they never had before. Moreover, he didn't really want to leave. Still, he felt bad that he wasn't making enough time for Lily. Yesterday while packing, he had happened upon his journal of the future-past's secrets and remembered that the summer after his other third year had been one of his best with Lily. Petunia had had some new boyfriend, Severus vaguely remembered. Lily had hated him and avoided the house whenever possible. This summer might have been different for her this time around, of course. Petunia Evans' love life didn't seem like a universally consistent aspect of time, so Lily was probably too busy at home to hang around with him.

 

He would see her soon, though. They had made plans on the train again to meet in Diagon Alley on a certain day, making sure to avoid the lunar cycle and any other scheduling issues. That perfectly chosen day was only a week from now, and although Severus had brought it up at the beginning of summer, there was no telling whether his mother had absorbed the information enough to remember. He had mentioned it during a particularly awkward silence, after all, when they were both trying to ignore a newly-arrived bill from the hospital. But now was the time to remind her, and then he'd have to find a time to go and ask Lily's parents to give him a ride. Hopefully Lily wouldn't mind. Of course, he could just owl-order his books as he had so many times before. But he missed his friends, he really did. And it was easier to find the best prices in person.

 

"Mother?" he asked, pausing to make sure she was registering his words. She looked up at him, making eye contact, so he nodded and continued. "I wanted to remind you of the trip to... get my school materials. This weekend."

 

"Yes," Eileen said, somewhat blankly, looking towards the ceiling as she wracked her brain, "yes. You're going to Diagon Alley?" Only someone truly paying attention would have noticed the extra force she put behind those last two words, like she was pushing them out into the air between them. It was such a difference from only a few months ago.

 

"Yes," Severus replied. "On Saturday."

 

"Okay."

 

There was silence then, broken only by the slight clinking of spoons against bowls. Then,

 

"Do you need a ride?"

 

Severus sat thinking for a moment before saying, "That would be nice." Not 'yes', because he could probably get one from the Evans' family, but not a 'no', either. A response to give her options but still answer the question.

 

She nodded, and that was that. She was driving him to Diagon Alley. Was she going to come in? Wait in the car for hours? Could she handle going that close to the Wizarding World?

 

His questions were answered that Saturday, when they both got out of the car at the Leaky Cauldron.

 

"What do you need to buy?"

 

Severus pulled the list out from his back pocket, which included all the books they wanted him to get as well as their various priorities. His History of Magic book, for instance, sat at the bottom of the list gathering dust. He hadn't purchased anything for that class since his first year the first time around. It wasn't as if Professor Binns noticed, and you could always get away with getting anything you needed from the library. Transfiguration, on the other hand, was a necessity. Professor McGonagall would skin you alive if you tried coming to her class without a book.

 

"A few textbooks and some Potions ingredients," he said, staring down at the piece of paper. There was a lot more than that on the list, but most of it he would never get to. Better not to mention it at all.

 

"Oh," she said, a small sound, and he looked over at her. She was standing in the middle of the sidewalk as Muggles moved all around them in a rush, staring at the pub sign. "I didn't..." she mumbled, and then looked at him jerkily, having not meant to speak. Severus just looked at her, trying to seem encouraging and blasé about it at the same time. She took a breath and moved, walking inside.

 

It was just as loud as it normally was, people bustling all about and music playing in the background, though what kind it was, Severus couldn't be sure. A couple of people had looked up when they entered, but quickly ignored them again, and the noise level only seemed to grow the longer they stood there.

 

"I didn't think I would still be able to see it," his mother said beside him, quietly enough that Severus was pretty sure she hadn't meant him to hear it. He so badly wanted to put a hand on her arm, to do something, but fear and a lack of precedent kept his arms by his sides. She had thought herself one of the Muggles, someone who would pass by the Wizarding World without even noticing. Was she happy or sad that she had been wrong? He chanced a glance at his mother's face, but could not glean anything from it.

 

He started to move toward the back, toward the entrance to Diagon Alley, but felt his mother hesitate behind him.

 

"I think I'll wait here," she said, slightly louder to be heard above the din.

 

He turned to her and nodded, trying to project calm and assurance, and she nodded back, making her way to a table in the corner. Severus made his way past the bar slowly, feeling her eyes on his back, and tried the quell the disappointment he was feeling. This was more than enough, wasn't it? Just having her in the same room as so many wizards was something he had never seen before. She was doing this for him. He resolved to be hopeful instead and turned to smile at her as he passed through the back doorway.

 

A week and a half later, Severus was sitting alone in a compartment on the Hogwarts Express thinking over the trip to Diagon Alley. He was here rather early, partially due to him and his mother's joint love for timeliness and partially due to her fear of being recognized by someone she knew. She had made it to the Muggle side of Platform 9 3/4, and he was hopeful and not disappointed.

 

Diagon Alley had been confounding, mostly. He had met Remus and Lily as planned, two doors down from Flourish and Blotts to avoid the crowds. Sirius was to try and meet them later - if he could bin off his family, he had said. Things had been cheerful enough, with pleasantries exchanged and plans made, but something had been... off. Mostly with Lily. She had seemed distant, more like his mother than he cared to recognize, and rather pale and unwell-looking.

 

He had worried over it all day. Did she know he was planning to continue to associate with Black? How could she? It was possible Regulus had told Sirius, who had told Lily, or perhaps she had seen the owl and made a semi-obvious connection. Alright, it probably was unlikely that she knew, which only made Severus worry more when he realized he'd have to tell her.

 

What could be the matter, then? Was she more upset with him than she had let on? Maybe she had been avoiding and ignoring him all summer, and their friendship was over just as it had been in the future-past. Maybe he had spent their last happy summer apart from her, and ruined this timeline faster than the other one. Maybe she just had the flu.

 

In any case, it made the entire shopping trip awkward, at least for Severus. Lily had almost certainly been upset with him about something, but he couldn't apologize until he knew what it was and he couldn't know what it was without asking, which had always upset her more in the past. So he sat there, in an empty compartment on the Hogwarts Express, trying to figure out the various probabilities for each thing she might be upset about.

 

 

He hadn't quite completed it when the door opened and Sirius Black walked in, striding with a purpose and flopping down across the entire seat across from him. Personally, Severus thought he wasn't quite tall enough yet to manage it correctly, but of course, he knew that Sirius would be in a few years. So perhaps it was good practice. A throat being cleared brought his attention back to the doorway, where the other Black brother stood, ramrod straight and with hands behind his back.

 

 

"I accept your terms," he said shortly, and strode off down the hallway.

 

 

"Merlin, what did you write to him? That was the shortest conversation my brother has ever had," Sirius commented from under the arm thrown across his face.

 

 

"It was a proposal," Severus said, and left it at that. Black, for once, had given him not enough information, and he didn't know what he was allowed to share with others. He'd have to track him down in the Common Room later.

 

 

"Not of marriage, I hope, Regulus is promised to some old Pureblood family somewhere. Can't remember which one for the life of me, but I doubt it's Snape."

 

Severus desperately tried to fight turning red and had almost managed it, when the door opened again and Remus, Potter, Pettigrew, and Lily came in. It was entirely too many people for the compartment, and Severus took the new cramped space and overabundance of noise as a handy excuse to not respond to Sirius.

 

Five minutes of jostling and elbowing later, all six of them had finally found a seat, although how Pettigrew had ended up with him and Lily, Severus didn't know. He cowered in the corner, as far away from the other two as he could get, and Severus felt a moment of pity for the boy who seemed to go wherever Potter and Sirius put him. Lily, sitting next to him, was also leaning away from him, which was concerning until he noticed she was shrinking away from everyone. It wasn't just him, then. Was that more worrying or less?

 

Jovial conversation, mostly between the Gryffindor boys, continued most of the way to Hogwarts. Severus tried several times to talk to Lily, but no sooner had he begun to relax into a conversation than it would simply stop happening, both of them trailing off into meaningless small talk. This was beginning to feel more and more like his future-past fourth year, and Severus was not at all okay with it.

 

Finally, in a carriage on the way to Hogwarts with two Hufflepuffs they hardly knew, she spoke up with more purpose.

 

"Dumbledore talked to me at the end of last year, right before we left."

 

Severus could only blink at the non sequitur. He hadn't mentioned Dumbledore, had he? And why hadn't she brought this up before?

 

"What did you talk about?"

 

"Nothing! Nothing, he just told me some stories, some history, I..." she trailed off, reaching a hand up to her hair and tugging on it anxiously. "You just were interested last time he talked to me, so I wanted to mention it."

 

"Okay," Severus said, but his mind was racing. He wanted to ask all sorts of questions, but he didn't want to upset her, didn't want to make her more distant than she already was, so he left it alone. They sat there, listening to the Hufflepuffs chatter, the rest of the carriage ride and up the steps to Hogwarts, and then they were walking to their separate tables, still not having uttered another word.

 

Was this what Fourth Year was going to be like, this time around?


End file.
